I am really not bitter. I watch the news every day and think how much worse off so many people are. I worry about my kids, my friends and all other people I know that are gong through something in their lives. No she did not get pregnant by herself, it was a very romantic night, I can name the night, the day and what she made me for dinner and even the weather that night. As I have said before, memory of an elephant. I forget nothing, its my make up... Its pity I am putting forth, its reality. I will never get over the pain completely. I have pains, emotional pains from years ago, that never leave me. they are scars that don't heal, they remind me of thigns that have happened and the results of me letting them happen again.
LEt me share this with you, I know you will appreciate it, but may not believe this is actually me...
My father always told me, life is a battle. there will be times you will win and tmes you will lose. In life you cannot choose your battles, they will come to you. It is your decision as to whether or not the battle is worth fighting. In the times that you lose, look for two things, first, why did you lose? and Second, what positive comes away from the battle.
I have not "lost" any battle yet with regard to her. the positive me and my cousin shared just this afternoon. And I immediately thought of you and our recent posts together. I needed this time alone and apart. I mean "I NEEDED THIS TIME ALONE AND APART" to see who I really am, because I was not who I had become. You and AmyC and FaithfulH had said this is most likely god's will for whatever reason it may be. My positive from this battle is simple and precise. I am not who I had become, nor do I like the person I had become. Would I be me, who I am now, if this had not happened? No, I would still be that other person, the same person she has become. I would not offer to you that I would have walked because of the same stressors, but my mind was too full of what I could not control and the fact that I felt everything crashing down around me, daily. My nervous breakdown was only a matter of time. I have been shaken to the core, I have been slapped out of the coma and I have seen the light....
she does not dictate how I live....I make that decision, now...I could not say that 2 months ago. I do not speak ill of her or think it, mostly, I cannot lie...but i am a better person for all my wear. this is gospel. I see it, my kids see it, my friends see it....i am incvited everywhere, and when I can't make it, I get groans...Nice, very nice to be missed. It was only 8 months ago, that when I didn't go, it was a relief because I brought drama with me...Not so anymore...
My battle is neither won or lost at this point, her mind is , well , her mind....God is dealing with her in His way...And the longer I let him, the better I get (Ithink you also told me that would happen). She had surgery on her wrist today, nothing complicated I am sure, but still....I sent her a text today after work, simply "Hope your surgery went OK". where she is staying they get no service, So I am sure sometime this weekend she will get it. do I expect a response, honestly, Yes...And I will get a thank you or something to that affect, end of it. I will not get into a text vomit with her. The text will not win her back or anything else, that text is what I would have sent to anyone I know, honest. Why should she not receive the same courtesy I would give anyone else I know.
everyone tells me she will be back and blah, blah, blah....People on this board know more than those who are not, and no one can say with any certainty that she will or won't. I accept that. Does it bother me she is not here, yeah it does, honest. Mostly when I am behind the 8 ball with a feeling of utter frustration, because I have no confidant to speak with and bounce things off of...My copusins life was hell for many years. she is remarried now to a fabulous guy and she is so happy and deservedly so...God shined on her and I see the benefit...I am getting the compliments and feel better each day. You know that feeling, I know you do...And when you feel that "high" you think, God, if she was only with me to enjoy this, but the reality is this, if this had not happened, who would I be? Very sobering thought...I did not choose this battle, but it cannot be denied the fight of my life...I cannot accept that more than half of my life has led me to a dead end road...If her life will show her the consequences of her actions, then so shouldn't mine?
Not bitter, just still confused...I suppose someday I will understand, but for now, I am stil learning to be me, and that's enough right now, I am a good man, a good father, a good brother and son and an excellent friend. I only have one vice, and kicking it is hard and painful, but i am seeing the light at the end of this addiction. All she is, is her choice, not mine and not my doing. who I am now is my doing, she made me me decide, I should thank her for probably saving my life. I won't, but there you are...I hope this made some kinda sense to you. I am not totally over her because I see no finality in this just yet...When it comes, I will be prepared, if it comes to that...Practice makes perfect, and LD needs no shulders to carry his burden anymore...No tears, no bitterness. I still don't want to be anywhere she is, does that make me bitter? I hope not, I just choose to be where I am happy, I am not around her...Again, I hope that doesn't make me bitter...Love ya...Keep them coming...I always feel stronger after posting with you and tright now I feel real good.
