I am. I'm saying that if you can't stand up for yourself, I really can't help you, and I'm wasting my time. You're being a total doormat, and I can't get thru to you. Maybe someone else can.
Why would you let your W go out with another man? Set a boundary. Work on your self-respect and confidence. Your W is using this other guy as a diversion and you are letting it happen. It will be that much harder for her to notice your changes if she has a life boat to rescue her. Doormat means she is walking all over you and you don't seem to mind. Puppy is giving you good advice back up and look at it again. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
First off hugs to you! Yes, Puppy is frustrated with you. But, I have to say, he was frustrated with me too. In fact, in my 7 months here, I think he only actually posted to me twice. He thought I was a lost cause!!! I was at first. Most of us are at first.
Puppy has very good advice always. But, if you aren't ready to hear it, he can't help you. No one can. The one thing I learned in my sitch was that when I first came here I just wanted support and love. Later, I realized that things might have been different for me had I made different decisions and done things differently. I wish I'd been able to take some of the advice a little sooner.
My H is involved in an affair...has been for over 2 years now. He never once let me know he was taking her to concert or anywhere else that was not work related for that matter. I think maybe you have an opportunity to stand up to her just because you know she's gone to the 1st concert with him. The thing is, the longer this R with Matt continues the harder it might be for her to let it go.
What are you afraid of...that she'll move? Sounds to me like she's already making plans to do just that. Whatever you decide to do or not do about confronting her is totally up to you.
The more important thing is that you need to get yourself together and GAL...get a life, so that you aren't scared of her leaving you. Scared is not attractive on a man. Self-pity is not attractive on a man.
I haven't read your whole sitch, so, this may have been answered already. Can you get a job? Any job? Can you take on a new project at the house? Can you get out and meet some new people? You need to do some things that make you feel good about yourself. You need to recognize your value so you don't keep worrying and being scared and feeling sorry for yourself about your W's actions.
You can live without her...I know that for a fact...I thought I'd die when my H left. I didn't...and, I'm on day 3 in a row of days when I haven't even been sad that he's gone. Not even a little sad. My D is moving forward. And, I'm not scared...I'm maybe even a little excited about the new things that being single again will mean for me.
So, start making some goals for you...some that have nothing to do with W. The idea is to become more attractive...maybe she'll notice. Maybe she won't. But, either way, you'll feel better. And, when you feel better, you'll be better equipped to take advice from Puppy and do things that will hopefully put your marriage back on track.
Think about that...I'll be out of town this weekend, but I'll try to check in at least once to see what things you are considering doing just for you!
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I need to not grow a pair, I just need to put mine back on, I think I see that now.
I am going to tell her that I am not and will not move out. I know in my gut and heart that it is the wrong mesage to send to my two sons that need me know more than ever! LET THE CHIPS FALL WERE THEY MAY.
THANKS puppy, don't give up on me! I need a swift sock to the jaw now and again, please keep up the advice!
sad, I think you need to change your username. It was probably chosen at moment in time when you were broken up and hurting, and so it fit for *that* time. The problem is that you were living up to your moniker. Change your name to something hopeful, and see if that doesn't help lift your spirits a little.
Also, ditto the "grow a spine/pair" comments that folks are saying here. Coach and Puppy were brutal (IMO) to me, too, but they helped me see that there is right and wrong; what you and I do is right, and what our Sps are doing is wrong. Don't enable them, don't empower them, and don't condone what they are doing.
YOU are the only one looking out for you right now, and if you decide to shirk that, then you have no one. Be strong and be unafraid.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I am only brutal to those I care about, and I care about EVERYBODY, and about ALL MARRIAGES.
And I made many of the SAME MISTAKES you have!
I am of the belief that just giving a bunch of "awwww, Sad, (((hugs!)))" -- while it has its place (read ALL of my posts -- I do do it sometimes), it doesn't help break up an affair, it doesn't help heal a marriage, it doesn't help instruct your children, and it doesn't help grow YOU.
You have answered your own questions: it is YOUR SONS that need for you to model for them (not TELL them, not even TEACH them, but LIVE OUT FOR THEM, every day to the best of your ability, what it means to be a man of character.
Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, and He forgave the adultress. But He also knew when to throw over the moneychangers' tables when He was filled with righteous indignation, and He also told the woman "to go and sin no more."
Go circle your calendar. Today is the day you BEGIN to take your LIFE back, and your true SELF back. It's not guaranteed to get your WIFE back, but I do guarantee it will make you damned more attractive.
Hey Sad, Glad to hear that you're going to change your nickname...that's a positive step.
You're definitely in a tough situation - but you're getting some fantastic advice here...all I can do is echo what you've already heard - perhaps just adding that as you find yourself you will discover a kind of strength that you may have lost somewhere along the path of your life...you're now being tossed in a process of change and growth - and you can either let it crush you or you can use it as a rare opportunity for self improvement.
Early on in my situation my wife was getting into an EA - she had already had a PA three years ago with another man. When this EA started I simply said to her that we had a enough to cope with without that sort of distraction for either of us - and asked her to remember that if she had a conversation with another man that she would be uncomfortable for me to hear if I were in the room - than it was probably a sign of a friendship heading in the wrong direction. It was simply a matter of respect...and I offered her that same respect in return.
