Too bad you're far away. Conversation over a beer or a coffee would be a nice break from this board.
Thanks for the compliment. I haven't always felt strong, and like you, it comes and goes. I think when I journal, like praying or meditation, it's best to focus on the positives and any bit of strength that you do have.
I'm hoping that you can turn the corner too. I'm sad that that may not be possible for my M, but from what I've read on your thread, you definitely stand a good chance. Keep up what's worked, keep GALing and make yourself a person that she'd be crazy to leave. And give her space and time to heal. I'll check in on your thread from time to time, just haven't felt like posting the last few days.
Unfortunately, I haven't found what works yet. At first, backing off and spending time on me seemed to work (small) miracles. Now, it seems like the more I back off, the more she dissapears.
Focus on myself
Would be good to have that beer though
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
W called today to tell me that the mediator would be calling me and we looked for good dates for our first appointment. She also called me the other day talking about the mediator and it caught me off guard since we hadn't discussed the subject for 3-4 weeks. My heart started racing a bit and my voice quavered. Today I was much more calm.
I wonder sometimes why I feel calm about this process and assured and why other times I feel more fear and anxiety. Is it about me not having control of the D when she initiates action? Or still in denial to what is happening? Or is my body still resisting the D?
Just wondering (to take you back to your earlier posts). You have said often that for a long time you thought that you were detached, and thought things were even moving forward positively, but then realized you were not detached enough when you got a second bomb and the D-train started.
What sorts of things were you doing that you should not have been doing when you were not detached enough.
Just looking for examples, etc that I can compare to my current sitch - hoping to learn.
Thanks
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Sounds like you are reacting to not being in the drivers seat in the R. All of the power in this R is still with your W - she calls the shots, sets the schedule, etc. You would probably feel better if you were not always just waiting for her to make the next move.
Not sure how you change that, however.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I think you're right. And it's not about "control" in a bad way, like I was in my M, but being so much in limbo, praying, hoping, and walking on egg-shells for the last 20 months, had me hoping to avoid the inevitable. Now that it keeps coming at me, at her initiation, I feel, at times, like I'm backed into a corner.
My friend told me months ago that I should drive some of these actions, but I never wanted to lose all hope and force her hand if there was a prayer left for us. But now, I think I'd feel better if I started to take an active role in the D. I think I'll start canceling some unused joint credit cards, check into the house re-fi, open a new back account, etc. If there's a miracle change-of heart, all of those things can be reversed, but I don't think I want to sit on the side lines any longer, frozen in my tracks, and watch her leave me behind.
My W kept saying she was working on dissolution papers, and that it was taking time, blah blah blah. I didn't doubt that she was but she was being all friendly and texting me, and chatting me up, and so on, while continuing an apparent affair. It is a little different in that she only sees him about once a week, and it is usually to get their kids together, but still it appears to be a romantic interest.
I finally last week emailed her and said because she was continuing the affair, I was filing divorce. She said she almost had the dissolution done, so I said I would give her until next Friday.
I also am closing credit cards, moving money into a new checking account, looking into ways to consolidate loans, and all that fun stuff. I have started fixing up my house, making summer vacation plans, even re-recorded my answering machine message to say "Thanks for calling the JDOllie Family" and then me, D8 and s6 say hello, so establishing our new family.
NM: I'm surprised that you haven't separated your finances sooner. Maybe your W wasn't spending as much as mine was, but I found that separating the monies was a great way to detach. I opened my own checking account and picked out my own check pattern, closed credit cards and join accounts, removed myself from cards where she was the principle, etc.
It hurt a little to actually close everything, but it was absolutely for the best. If you haven't done it already, you should also check with your L about the legalities of your situation and such.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
You have said often that for a long time you thought that you were detached, and thought things were even moving forward positively, but then realized you were not detached enough when you got a second bomb and the D-train started.
What sorts of things were you doing that you should not have been doing when you were not detached enough.
Thinker,
I think I referred to my second bomb when the W started to making the D arrangements. Because of finances (her just starting to work again) we knew we couldn't start the D proceedings right away. So, after the bomb, I found the DB book and coach and went to work (this time on myself). Wife took notice plenty, and the D wasn't discussed for months, but when finances improved, she started planning again.
Tough question you ask. I've mentioned this lately, that some aspects of DBing are actually contrary to detaching. I mean, how can you truly detach, while you obsess about what the W is doing or not doing, while looking for progress and little signs constantly. Same with the 180s - I realized talking to my coach one day, that the 180s had to be something that I wanted to do (and could sustain).
The co-dependence reading helped me most and I was going through that material when the W started asking about the D timeline. The detachment process is tough and really forces you to look at life (potentially for some of us) without your W. I'm not sure how some guys could really detach and not see that as a distinct possibility.
It also has helped me to read a lot of inspiration material (or listen to). As of late, I'm listening a lot to Marianne Williamson - she's a new age, spiritual/religious writer that writes a lot about love and forgiveness. Whether you have a ipod or not, listen to her "daily miracles" podcast on itunes.
I'm rambling and probabaly did not answer your question, but feel free to ask anything.
Good for you on you "movin' on" actions. I think you and P-Dad is right on, on this subject. It will put me in the process and help me feel better if I am controlling some of these needed actions.
P-Dad,
I've been slow to do anything financially since this is the main reason the D process has dragged since the bomb last May. W started working 13 months ago (SAHM for 10 years), and as she is in a mostly commission sales position, her wages are ramping up slowly. She only makes about half of what I do, so the delayed D helps us both afford a house (hopefully) and will reduce my CS. And to give her credit, she has really spent carefully over these months, not splurging, and we take the same weekly allowance. So I haven't had a strong reason to open up new accounts a divide up things - will leave most of that to our mediation and courts.
