Hi s4h...I think the hope of reconciliation ends when you decide you don't want her anymore. I think from reading most people's situations, there comes a point in their journey when they finally stand back and say "I am tired of my spouse being this way. I don't want to chase him/her any longer. I don't want to have to convince him/her to love me. I am done hoping. I just want to move on".
For each person, this point comes at a different time. For some people, this point comes when their spouse does something so maddening or painful that the LBS finally just doesn't even want them back, even if they willingly came back. For other people, the WAS just keeps drifting and drifting away, and finally the LBS just has to put themselves first and not put the marriage first.
I know your heart is broken and you still want your W back. But when you do finally give up hope, you will actually feel *better* not *worse*. I know that keeping hope alive is somehow a comfort, to know you still haven't abandoned her even if she has abandoned you. To know you have courage and committment, is a big deal. Its something to be proud of in yourself. To weather this storm and still hold out hope that things could change, shows a lot of compassion on your end, a very good trait.
But like I said above, when you do finally give up that hope, you will not be giving up the good qualities within you that make you have that hope. It seems scary to give up the hope because when hope is all you have, then you fear you will have nothing when you give it up.
In this circumstance though, it will eventually become necessary to give up hope so that you can move forward and not remain in limbo. And you might be surprised that when you do finally give it up, you will be relieved. A weight will be lifted off of you. You can breath again. You can stop being so down (although you will still be down, but not AS down). You can see the bright side again. You will begin to have hope for a different future, one that won't seem as gloomy as you had once feared.
You will get there, s4h. It takes time. I know its been a year in your case, but because of her deployment it is more like 4 - 6 months in reality. That isn't that long, really. It takes that long for most people to really come to grips with what is happening.
I hope you can find some comfort in any way you can. Do you have relatives or a close friend who could come visit you for a few days, or who you could go and stay with for a while? I do think you need to separate from her, quickly, and get through that stage so you can continue to move forward. What do you think?
I will pray for you, I know you are pretty down. Hey, I should send you to my cousin so she could do some shiatsu work on you. She has an integrated therapy plan for many types of issues, which would definitely be useful in a sitch like yours where depression can set in so easily. Let me know if you are interested.
