"And when the MLCer comes out of it, they are still the same broken person full of faults they were prior to their MLC. "
I don't know--who is to say they do not grow, eventually? Maybe not with us, but you can't not change in such a situation. Some change for the worse and spend the rest of their lives mulling around complaining.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I tell you, I will be happy when my ex can have a conversation about anything other than himself.
What a day that will be.....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
It is hard for me to reconcile the DB techniques with MC. I cry when I talk about anything meaningful at the session. The counselor is an expert at getting to meaty topics. My husband has teared up or cried at each session. We have a 10-15 minute debrief on the curb outside (I "gotta go" first--hard for me but I do it). My H is the one who wanted to MC, got the name, and makes the appts. I've told myself to confine OR talks to MC exclusively and have done that. The MC (what little he has addressed to me) is prodding me as tentative or reserved. Any thoughts?
The MC must have talked to our IC's. He seemed to have more insight than he could of from 3 50 minute sessions. He rec'd a book to H--Parenting from Within. He is laser-focused on my H and why my H doesn't feel emotionally close when sharing emotions or getting comforted.
H couldn't pull up any instances of feeling an emotional connection to me--"for sure not in the last few months." Says there is a wall between us including one created by me since I'm not doing what I have always done (chase him, babble on, touch him a lot). Says he feels mostly obligation to me/us. Says he feels very alone and my life continues on without change--Huh? Doesn't understand or maybe believe why I love him if he has done something bad--kind of goes with his ongoing confusion about motivations-probably thinks I'm in the game for "the family enterprise" and $ and not him. Doesn't understand why he should be vulnerable in life/relationships. Feels misunderstood.
I am taking to heart the advice about talking to friends/family about our marital struggles. This one is really hard for me. I've told to much to too many already. I realize now that that is going to make it much harder for him to return--much easier to run. the most charged example: When I discovered the bomb, I immediately told my 17 and 19 yo. H had told me he wanted a future with her and to take care of her and that we had already gotten our share and that the kids "would be fine." I truly felt at the time that I was in a war-like situation and was rescuing them. My 19 yo D gave him a piece of her mind and has pretty much treated him like my immature self would. She is coming home from college for spring break and I know he is worried and ashamed and thinks he has permanently broken their relationship (in a selfish, I'm getting punished way). So I'll be pouring it out here and cutting my friends off. It'll be hard with my mother but I need to get off the obsessing.
On the positive solutions front, H is touching me after a couple weeks of nothing--as in hand on the shoulder as he is leaving for work. Or touching my hand when I say goodnight. Weird, but after the bomb, we escalated in the ML dept for a couple weeks so I can't help but think that is on his mind. He said in MC that he sees ML as "manipulative" or maybe too difficult for him to stay separate or with his own feelings so I am DB'ing there too. I will be moving back to our bed when my daughter comes home, so that will be difficult to get what registers to me as "the silent treatment" there.
So everything I wrote means I do not accept the truth about MLC. Eff you MLC--MLC and houseguests--both stink after three days.
You don't have to believe in MLC, God, Buddah, Area 51, Gravity, ghosts, Atalantis, Big Foot, Masonic conspiracy...but some of them exist.
MLC is confusion. IF you husbands packed his bags and gave you the finger while walking out the door. That would be one thing...and easier.
Do you realize how much you would have to hate, absolutely hate someone to do what he is doing to you, rather what you choose to go through? Not many people are that evil.
MLC exists. Think of it as temporary insantiy. It is utter and overwhelming confusion where the things that they used to rely on in their own heads no longer work, or fail them instead.
You believing in MLC makes this easier and gives your marriage a better chance of survival.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ok, well I rarely make it to this board any more. I have been around the block so I have to ask just why you think there is no physical affair going on. That is a byproduct of MLC and many of them lie. Most likely that is happening I am sorry to tell you. If I am wrong then forgive me.
Don't worry about what you have already said to people in the past, that will not matter to him if that is what you are concerned with. He is not thinking like you. It does matter to others though, so now you can stop. Cheers, Wonder
I am in the minority of opinions when I say that many MLCers never come out of it. I have seen too many examples of people on this board that have walked off and left thier families, left everything, I watched my father do it, swear up and down that they did right, they are happy, blah blah blah. Fast forward to a couple of years and they are all alone. At that point it would seem a reasonable, or even not so reasonable person would say " I think I screwed up" People, I promise you, almost without exception, these people would rather live in lice than admit to you they did wrong. How can someone come out of MLC if they are not able to admit wrong? I don't think they can.
Iwondertoo, I'm pretty sure about the lack of PA. My husband is very passive and I felt the whole EA and now I feel differently. My eyes are wide open, though, and I accept a margin of error in my current knowledge.
Braveheart, I am very afraid of this and think a permanent emotional MLC could apply to my M. I think my husband wrestles with leaving us to make his initial EA decisions right in the first place. He is so without emotional and communication tools that at this point, I can't imagine him unwinding these problems. I can see him going forward, living on the emotional fringe of life and being a victim to avoid responsibility. I can't think of many times that he has apologized. It has been more like 'I'm sorry you are hurt."
H has made brief apologies after the bomb and before the bomb, was crying in my arms saying "I screwed it all up" and "I'm making poor choices." Around bomb time, he was more open about bigger issues--being passive, inferiority, feeling pressure to do what is expected, not participating if I'm around to make decisions, etc. Since the bomb he's talked less and less about the big issues and in the last 2-3 weeks, not talking at all. He talks at the MC (It's all about H!) but can't break through to emotions or why someone might want to be vulnerable to another. My IC points out the smallest flickers that suggest he could change but it's so little.
