I need some opinions/advice/guidance here. It is about Nathan, my six year old.
He has always been high-energy and a happy kid. He got into 'trouble' a few times in Fall semester of kindergarten for messing around,nothing serious, just acting like an energetic little boy when he was supposed to be sitting still/paying attention.
Well, over the past six weeks, he has progressively gotten worse. At home and particularly at school. His teacher has tried to tell me it is no big deal, he is not the worst in class, etc. But this week she is starting to act like it is becoming a bigger concern. In fact she sent my son and 3 other boys down to the counselor today to talk about fighting.
In the past, Nathan was in trouble at recess for play-fighting. Where they pretented to shoot guns at each other, fight with lightsabers, etc. No play involving weapons (real or imaginary) is allowed at school.
Now today he was in trouble because they have stopped the playfighting (due in part to getting in trouble a lot, I assume) and are now doing actual fighting. Again, not that they are mad at each other, but they use their hands on each other to hit/push/shove instead of using pretend weapons.
I think Nathan has had some kind of problem every day this week.
I never told his teacher about our marriage until today. When she came and told me she was sending Nathan to the counselor to talk about fighting...
She said she could see how our situation would be affecting Nathan. Especially since we are so undecided. Just last night Nathan told me he doesn't pray for us to get back together anymore because he knows that we will. Because we got back together last time and he knows we love each other and we say we want to be together....I don't remember exactly what we said when we told him Daddy was moving out, I will have to rethink that. I don't know if this is from stuff his dad and I have said to each other, to him, or that he has overheard.
Anyway I am not sure what to do. Other than probably get him into counseling. Do I need to stop with the Star Wars cartoons and Bionicle books? He doesn't have a video game system and I don't allow any TV with real fighting,the only battles he sees are on Star Wars cartoons/movies.
I am not sure what I should say to Dan. I have tried to tell him in the past that our situation takes a toll on Nathan. He denies that vehemently. Of course it would make him feel guilty to admit if we were affecting Nathan. Instead he prefers to think that I have an inconsistent/ineffective discipline/parenting style. That he parents the children far, far better than I do. (He just doesn't have time to do it full-time like I do.)
Anyway I am starting to think that being in limbo is possibly worse for Nathan than getting divorced. Because he knows we said we aren't getting divorced, so I am sure he is confused as heck and trying to guess/imagine what will happen.
My Kid's C is definite separated limbo is worse than D. Also, my son went through a phase like that last year. Because he is a shy boy he was hurting himself not getting into fights. He hurt himself again this last week probably sensing me and his dad are drifting part again and his teacher told me he cant take the separation, I should do EVERYTHING in my powers to avoid it (gee thanks!!!).
I dont know about games and toys etc, but I do know he feels better when I am in a good mood and we talk about everything. Maybe he wants to ask you what is going on and he is scared?
I would report to Dan everything discussed and happened. REPORT, not translated into conclusions. Dont protect him the way I did at first. He should be aware and open to Nathan also. I am sorry. It sucks. I know. K
Parenting is a challenge and dealing with it when separated or divorced just throws a wrench into the mix.
I think being in limbo probably is worse for him, but I doubt it has to do much with the trouble he is getting in at school - that I believe is more peer pressure and the nature of boys.
Instead of counseling, maybe the best thing is some sort of consequences and rewards system. There are numerous web sites (about.com, parents.com, etc..) that have discussion of techniques.
As far as the game systems, I really have to limit the use mostly because of S8 getting hostile when I tell him to stop. You are good in not getting him started on that. There will come a time when he has friends that have it and then you are going to have to make a stance.
BTW... When I was a kid, there was a very large group of us boys in the neighborhood and school that would play "war" a lot and parents/teachers back then did not seem to care.
I wouldn't worry too much about the fighting stuff. heck D8 got into some trouble when she was D6 and we were still together. In my opinion, pedagogs (is that a word?) worry alittle too much about what goes on in the school yard these days. I had my share scrapes and my parents were fine. On the what to tell him....that is a tough one. In my case we made it clear that we would not be getting back together and in spite of that, D8 still hopes we do. In your case there actually is a chance even though you are seperated. Agree with K on the reporting issue...just the facts maam.
I think that when they stifle the imaginary fighting, they get the real thing. So, no cops and robbers, or cowboys and Indians? It's not like that's new stuff! I think the PC world may be backfiring a little bit here. I think I would try to keep things low key with him, and see where things go. Watch and observe for a while longer.
I'm a teacher, and it makes me so sad how schools have responded to a few crazy parents or groups who want to censor or see monsters in totally normal behaviors. I wish your family were closer to my school, because we understand "normal" boy behavior.
If only for your own peace of mind, read these two books:
Killing Monsters: Why Children Need Fantasy, Super Heroes, and Make-Believe Violence by Gerard Jones;
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon.
You could also read Ralph Fletcher's book _Boy Writers_ which addresses a lot of the "issues" schools have with boys within the context of good writing practice. It's a great read.
Honestly, I think talking to your son, being a safe place to ask questions and say what he's thinking is the best thing. In terms of what's happening at school, I think a more proactive approach is to either ask the boys to come up with alternative activities to fighting/playfighting they might enjoy (and keep that list laminated and on the playground even) or to actually engage them in a game or activity as recess monitors.
By the way, my very normal, very well-adjusted, very bright 8th grade boys GLORY in beating the snot out of each other and rolling around like puppies. Their favorite "game" right now is slapping each other in the face or in the stomach when someone least expects it, then running away. Kicking/punching each other in the groin is their second most favorite activity. We don't allow it on campus, but it's not a major issue because we talk to them about appropriate place and time. I tell them to make a playdate and clear it with their parents, and then I have no issue if they beat the snot out of each other.
This is the "appropriate" way in our society for men/boys to touch and show affection. Have you seen a group of men hanging out together? It's the same game, just tweaked a bit.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks guys. I know it seems I am making a mountain out of a molehill. It is more that the school is doing that, coupled with my worries about Nathan's emotional/mental state thanks to our ongoing limbo.
He told me that he cries in his bed at night sometimes because he wants us to live together and he misses his dad. And he said he is mad at me sometimes because I only 'let' him call his dad right before bed and he doesn't get to talk to him much. For the record, Nathan usually jumps on the phone with a quick "Good night dad, I love you" and jumps back off to go play or get ready for bed. Some nights we don't even call b/c Nathan says he will just talk to his dad the next day. So it is hard to know what is going on in his head.
As far as the fighting thing, Dan has even said in front of Nathan that we used to fight (playfight of course) when we were school aged kids and never got in trouble for it. We got to play tag, we played football and knocked each other down, even red rover where you got clotheslined. But now thanks to school violence and shootings they can't even point imaginary lightsabers at each other!!!
These boys are not mean to Nathan. They are his two best friends and one other boy. Nathan loves playing with these kids but now he is getting into trouble for it. I guess a talk about time/place with him may be in order. I don't want him to become a girly-boy wimp, either. But I have to do something to get him to stop rough-housing at school.
By the way he still chews on his shirts at the neck and wrist. And his teacher had him go to the first grade classroom Thursday (he is kindergarten) to watch how the older kids sit still and listen during class. He wiggles and talks during class.
Someone in my family mentioned ADD, can't remember if it was my mom or who. Anyway I said I don't think he has that at ALL, I think he has a case of B-O-Y. He is an energetic six year old who has trouble sitting and focusing for six hours a day (they get maybe an hour a day of recess/lunch time)...
In my opinion.... They expect kids to do "school" type things way too long, way too early. I don't know what the rush is. They seem to want them to skip being kids. It's one reason we homeschooled for years. When the time came, there was no way our oldest was ready for all-day kindergarten. He still took a nap regularly after lunch! That sounds like a good plan!
I totally agree, your son just has a raging case of BOY. There are a gazillion studies out there about the differing needs of boys and what, developmentally, they're able to do. Schools are really set up for compliant girls.
Jeff~
The reason KG has changed so much is because of NCLB and high stakes testing. Teachers often have no control over what they're required to teach or how they have to teach it. I left my first district because it had gotten to the point where each day was scripted, and there was no leeway for kids who didn't get it or who were absent. The lessons were also devoid of any sense of audience.
I teach in a school now that believes we can educate children well enough for the tests by teaching in a hands-on, constructivist manner. Kindergarteners have their own playground, and the teachers take them out for breaks as they need them. There's also lots of active learning...digging in the garden to plant seeds or find worms; trips to farms; learning centers where kids are composing their own "books" or building with blocks or using food items to learn math.
It's the focus on one really flawed test that has sucked the life out of school in many (not all) cases.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
