stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

(((Kalni))),

I appreciate the fact that he made a decision.
Unfortunately I don't believe that his decisions last.
And H himself doesn't believe it either.
Once, many years ago, he told me that he never gives his word as he knows himself to be incapable of keeping it.

And, yes, I think it will go on for a long time. Sigh...

Not fair at all though. You worked so hard and this is what returns.

I KNOW, Glamgirl :)! What a mess!

Well, H went to see IC today. I called him on his cell as he was leaving IC. He said he's on his way to pick up ADs from a drugstore.
I don't know what to expect from him today, I just hope it's not going to be him venting until 4 AM again.

For some reason I'm sure that he'll bolt again, and very soon.
He WANTS so badly to choose me, to come back, to love me again, therefore his constant false starts. He keeps coming back only to find out that his feelings for me didn't return. Instead he just gets irritated by everything I do and doesn't want to be around me. So sad.

Ever since he came back, I'm having a knot in my stomack again and every evening it's getting heavier by the time I expect H to show up. It is definitely not the "happy" return and I'm still toying with the idea to ask him to leave, again, and this time to mean it...

I'm also thinking about goinf=g away again, returning to my teaching job in Asia, alone, if he won't come with me. And he already told me yesterday that he doesn't want to go (it was his idea initially). If I get my job back I'm going to be able to pay for my mom's full time nurse.

I will wait until the ADs kick in, of course. It will take a few days or so. And I will see if he will really move his stuff over here during the weekend, as he promised.