Thanks for the comments everyone. So to recap, an "I love you" is ok as long as it's in the moment and not just an off the cuff statement.
Things have still been good. Last night we went to dinner with some of W's coworkers. W made a couple of interesting comments during conversations with the group.
At one point we were discussing work schedules and someone made a comment about 12 hour shifts. I said that I used to work them and would go back to them in a heartbeat, that my schedule was 2 days one week and 5 the next and everyother weekend was a 3 day weekend and W said "I loved it because H4U would do most of the cleaning, the grocery shopping and take care of the kids Dr. appts etc which took a big burden off me".
Ok, point to remember. W apprecaited all the stuff I did even if she rarely thanked me or complimented me on the condition of the house, etc.
Second interesting comment. We were discussing last fall when what remained of Hurricane Ike came blowing through Ohio. It was still a very strong storm and we had roofing blown off and a tree downed in our back yard. Lost power for about 3 days. I told the group that I gave up tickets for the Browns/Steelers that evening because I knew work would be calling and I'd need to go in because of the power outage. Someone in the group asked something that I didn't hear and W said "no, he's always traveling".
Ok, point number 2 to remember. Anyone who has been following along with me for the last year knows I've commented many times that in the year and a half prior to our relocation, I was traveling for work A LOT (right before we moved I was in MN for almost 8 weeks straight without a trip home. In that time S20 went to colllege for the first time, S16 started H.S. among other things) and then we moved and my new job ate my lunch so I was gone A LOT and that's when the A started. Am I wrong here to think that my being away so much probably had a hand in the A? I know I can't go back in history, but it's something to remember going forward. Seems to me W was saying she felt ignored/not connected because of my travel.
Besides that, everything is just plugging along. W still engaged and it seems different. I hope I'm not mis-reading it, but she seems more fog free. Let's just hope she doesn't have a relapse although I know they're likely.
One other interesting thought I had last night. The work group we were having dinner with was all the upper management at the Refinery W works at. A number of them I work with through my job. I can't help but wonder if W wouldn't have taken stock of the fact that there is no way in he!! that OM would fit into that type of situation. He's an alcoholic biker who's main wardrobe is Harley tee shirts and jeans. And W loves that kind of social gathering.
No offense to the Bikers who wear Harley tee shirts. That statement was in no way a disrespectful judgement on my part. But it's not my W and it's not me.
Talk to everyone soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
In that time S20 went to colllege for the first time, S16 started H.S. among other things) and then we moved and my new job ate my lunch so I was gone A LOT and that's when the A started. Am I wrong here to think that my being away so much probably had a hand in the A? I know I can't go back in history, but it's something to remember going forward. Seems to me W was saying she felt ignored/not connected because of my travel.
Hard to say. Did you consult with her before you took these jobs/promotions that required all the travel? In other words, was she on board with it?
To me there's a big difference between a spouse who loooves the paychecks and the goodies that come along with all the work hours of their spouse -- and then complains "Oooh, I'm so neglected!" -- and one whose spouse just took the promotions and the travel and never sat down with their spouse to discuss the impact on the family, and to try to get some buy-in.
Well Pup, I'm not sure how to answer that question.
When I took the job that required all the travel, we (myself and the company both) didn't realize there would be so much travel. Just had some things happen that fell within my responsibilities that required me to be away about 3 weeks a month. I was home on weekends, but during the week I was gone a lot.
Then the MN thing. Yes, W and I discussed it. Discussed it with S20 also knowing it would take me away while he went to college the first time. It was a good opportunity and I made A LOT of money (enough to pay for S20's first year of school in those 8 weeks). When there I was working 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week. The other thing that probably went into W being ok with it was her old boss was the one that tapped me to go. W is good friends with her old boss (red flag I know) and she has grown up in our company so she understands that sometimes I/we had to make sacrifices for me to move up. This was one of those things. It got my name out to A LOT of higher ups. The old boss was a big help in that regard.
So......did W say ok because she knew what it could do for my career and really wasn't ok with me being gone that long? Was she ok in the beginning and once I was gone realized she didn't like it? Thing is, when I got back, I immediately had to go back out of town for my old job for most of 2 weeks and then one week later I got this job and was in my new location for 5 weeks before she and S16 moved over. She was ok with the transfer, in fact, really supported it, but I really think during the almost 2 years before the transfer, we disconnected and along comes OM and it's on.
So....did we discuss these promotions? Yes. Did she agree? Yes. Did she know what they entailed? Maybe yes, maybe no.
I just found the comment interesting.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Travel doesn't always necessarily have to be a bad thing. There is a way to be gone and actually make your marriage stronger. In fact, there are many emotional affairs where the people have never met and only talk from far distances. Next time you have to travel, you can remember ways to keep the connection alive. She likes to IM. Get a webcam on your laptop and chat with her when you are gone. You can tell her how much you miss her and be able to see her and when you are talking just one on one, looking at only one another, it almost forces that physical attraction and emotional connection. Just thoughts for the future......
My H was gone for 6 months. Yes, I agreed. Yes, I knew what it entailed. But also, he is military, so it's not like I would have really had a choice anyway.
With that said. Knowing what to expect and LIVING it are two different things. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't justify squat. "Why do you laugh? Change the name and the story is told of you." Put yourself in her shoes. Send her off for 8 weeks and leave yourself at home working full-time and doing everything and dealing with kid at college and another in high school. Do those things alone. You think you know what to expect, but truly, you really don't until you have to do it. Everyone loves to think oh, I would do this, or I would do that...but you really DON'T know how you are going to deal (or aren't going to deal) until it happens. Maybe there were a couple of weekends she could have flown up to be with you so you could have at least spent the night in the same bed.
Don't know.
But I do believe that regular business trips, etc, are a big contributor to affairs. I think it's even mentioned in the Not Just Friends Book.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Mel, I never thought it was going to be easy for her. Not in a million years. But that 8 weeks was not easy on me either. I worked 36 straight 12 hour days. Some were 14 hour days.
Am I saying what I did was any harder than W? Not at all. We BOTH knew it would be hard. And it was a decision we made together. In fact, after we'd discussed it a number of times, my last statement to her before accepting the assignment was "If you don't want me to go, just say don't go". And she said she was ok with me going. Her flying up would have been kind of boring for her because I was on the night shift and would sleep all day.
But I think you're absolutely correct. I KNOW we disconnected in those 2 years I traveled so much. I know I wasn't around to help her like I had the previous 20 years of our marriage. I get it.
There are many infidelity authors that suggest limiting the time apart. Dr. Harley suggests that a couple should NEVER spend even a single night apart. Now, in my case, that's impossible and I'm with WDID that some nights apart can aid a marriage, but how much I was gone certainly did not help.
One thing I read in Venus and Mars (I think it was) was that when a H and W are separated by work or whatever, that when they come back together that the man is ready to just jump right back to normal, but women need to acclimate to it. Many times a man will want to ditch the kids so just he and his wife can go out alone where a women wants the man to "nest" with the family to reconnect.
Just another one of those differences between men and women that get us all into trouble because we don't understand how the other thinks.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Well, it's time for "the" talk. Going to do it this morning.
Yesterday at work, W and I were IM trading fools. GREAT conversations. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she didn't even flinch before saying it sounded good.
So we go out and are having a good time. Talking, laughing, just enjoying the evening. Then her phone rings and it's her old boss. She was having trouble hearing him and she said "I can't hear you, you're breaking up dear". Then she replied to what I could tell was a question if she was going to be around next week. And then the conversation ended.
I looked at her and said "I can't hear you dear"? And she just looked at me and made some comment like it was just an expression. And it got quiet.
Me: So he's going to be in the area?
W: He's going to be in hometown.
Me: I'm assuming he wants you to have dinner or something?
W: He just asked if I was going to be in hometown by chance next week.
Me: Are you planning on going?
W: I don't even know his plans.
So then it got quiet again and I just sat there looking at her and she was completely avoiding looking at me. At one point she said "would you quit looking at me"?
A few minutes later she started talking again, but it was obvious her mood had changed.
So a bit later we left. The ride home was ok with some talking, but it was fairly quiet.
We get home and W talks some, but again it was more quiet than earlier in the evening. Around time for bed I said to her "I know you don't understand but I'm just hyper sensitive to that kind of stuff". W says "It's just old boss". I said "I understand you feel that way and I won't feel this way forever, but this stuff just makes you hyper sensitive to that kind of thing".
And I just sat there looking at her. She was laying down on the couch by the time this conversation happened and she was just about ready to break down. Her bottom lip was quivering, she was blinking rapidly, like when you're trying not to cry. This went on for probably 5 minutes, me just looking at her and she avoiding looking at me and her face just showing she was about ready to break down.
I finally realized she wasn't going to say anything, so I got up and said "goodnight" and she said "goodnight" back and I went up to bed. She slept on the couch all night.
So this morning I'm going to have the talk. I laid in bed for most of the night thinking and here's what I'm going to say.
"I understand you don't think I should be worried about your friendship with old boss. But it's hard for me given that I still haven't heard a single 'I'm sorry'. You still haven't even said to me 'I want to try'. Through this whole thing, you may be getting what you need to get past this, but I'm not. I feel like you're not concerned at all about how I feel or what this has done to me. You being unwilling to get rid of a few simple things from your A shows me you either don't understand what this has done to me or you don't care what this has done to me and you are unwilling to give me any kind of help getting through this. Lately I've seen you being somewhat secretive again and this concerns me like you can't believe. I NEED openess and honesty from you and right now it's just not there. I still feel like you're hiding stuff from me and I will never be able to get past this hyper sensitive place in my life without you helping me out and doing things that I need to heal."
Going to think some more if I want to say anything else, but I think that might be it and let the conversation go from there.
We'll see what she says. One other thing I thought about doing was seeing if she'll read the article by MWD "Healing from Infidelity" (I have it saved on my laptop) and then talking to her.
Everyone has until about 9:30 to make comments before I talk to her.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Good luck, H4U. I'll be thinking about you, and will say a prayer for the both of you. For you: boldness and to speak the truth in love, and for her: to soften her heart that she may hear.
