Seperated But Living Together

[2gthrButApart]

Hi Guys, I'm moving over here. I'm no longer getting help over at the Newcomer's board.

I'm confused and needing a lil guidance but no one's replying. Seems like only the R hanging by a thread get attention over there. I was in that sitch a few wks ago, and for the past 5 months, but it's taking a different, confusing turn and I need advice as what to do, say, how to act. Maybe you guys can help me here, since you know what I'm going through. This is the link to my current sitch. (Hope it works)

Current Sitch

[2gthrButApart]

Yay it works!!! I'm so awesome LOL. ...I ROCK!!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You do Rock.

You were getting some decent advice on NewComers actually.

Here on MLC it takes a little bit to break the ice. Post to others and offer them support and you'll build a support group and bunch of friends you never ever imagined possible.

BUT starting off is a little rough, because the drop out rate is very high here, most people cannot do it...so a lot of people don't like to waste their time if your only going to post a dozen times and then quit.

Don't give up. You're not going to get alot of attention at first, not like Newbies...and really thank God, cause some of advice there is horrible. : )

We also hit you when you screw up here.

So last night we ended up getting into a R talk, I know it was very stupid.

So you know it was stupid but you did it anyway...so that makes you...stupid.

Now you know better so stop R talking. Cause nothing upsets me more than seeing. "I did X, even though I know I shouldn't." God I love lame excuses, or people professing that they should be different and the rules or guidelines aren't for them...they are and you're not.

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks for being honest. I haven't allowed it to happen lately and things have been different, but I'm just waiting for a backlash. I haven't "allowed" him to fully have one lately. I keep putting my foot own.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Stick around.

Haven't allowed?
Are you trying to control him? Is this one of his issues with you?
And does he complain that you need alot of attention?

So, in your opinion, what have you done or failed to do to contribute to your failing marriage? What could you do better?

[2gthrButApart]

No, not controlling. Just as in if I feel the negative mood I ignore any comment that can lead to a fight. So if I'm not commenting or feeding into his bad mood, he switches out to a normal mood. Basically I'm not giving him the satisfaction of my old B****y ways, so he can say You see, you'll never change. (one of his complaints is my nasty attitude)

Lately when he's near me he's been rubbing my back or arm briefly or rubbing my hair when he goes by, as if it's just a "passing by brush" what's up with that? He hasn't done that in a very long time. Esp not since the Bomb in 10/08. But yet he won't kiss me on the lips? I don't get it. Seems like he wants to kinda get close but like he doesn't trust me, or us. ???

He says I always up his A$$ and that I never made a life of my own. That i let all of my friendships die, and don't have any friends. That I shouldn't have put him and our girls 1st all of the time, I need to basically GAL.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

like he doesn't trust me, or us. ???

They tend not to trust much of anything.

Wait, 2...have you checked the MLC resources at the top? You want to be sure your H is in MLC.

[2gthrButApart]

I think he is, he basically has said eveything in the "script"

Unhappy for the past 4 yrs (he just told me last March)
ILYBNILWY
Time for him to do for himself
He wants things in life like a new car, and more money and I'm holding him back b/c I'm always up his butt
He says he feel slike I've changed, He's not happy with ME
I drive him crazy, it's my fault we don't have anything in life
Maybe eventually he can find happiness but not with me
Maybe we can work things out, but not now
He wants a D


From my Newcomer's Post
Complaints during our M and/or during our discussion after the seperation which hw says lead us to this,

* He's not happy, says I changed. Says he doesn't know what "it" is, but I'm different ( I think a lot has to do with my self esteem, I know I'm beautiful, but am no longer comfortable in my clothes.
* Says I never Initiated sex
* I wasn't and am not neat enough (this is true)
* I have a nasty attitude and am sarcastic ( a wall I built early in my life due to my childhood)
* says I don't listen to him, and don't understand him
* Says he always Gave, now its time for him to get thing for himself
*Says I should have realized his struggles, and gotten a FT job sooner than when he HAD to ask me to get one
* I never accomplished anythign I said ai would, degrees and such, even thouh he had paid lots of $$ for those opportunities for me ( I let being mom consume me, and those things fell to the waist side)
* Says I never do anything I say I'm going to go do, like an errand or something of that nature
* Says I always have excuses when I don't do the things I said I was going to do that day
* Says I say sorry too much (again I think it's a childhood issue of mine)

[2gthrButApart]

These are my latest posts

Since Saturday 3/7/09

[2gthrButApart]

The gist of my situation...this is my 1st post I posted in NC BB.

I've been with my H for 12 1/2 yrs, married for 7 this month. We have 2 Daughters, 8 and 6.

A yr ago my H said I don't make him happy anymore, and said he doesn't know why. He agrred to MC and we went to a couple of sessions, then she said it would be better to have IC w/ her since we had different issues we had to face. He didn't like it, said it made him feel worse, and brought up childhood pains he wasn't ready to relive.

We were "working on it" and he was willing to fix the problems we had. In Aug of 08 we went on a trip for a friend's wedding and he was Soooooo affectionate it was awesome, I had missed that so much. Sept of 08 a long distance relative of his commited suicide, my H got really sick, it was bad, I was there for him, he thanked me so much. He was being so affectionate saying I'm the best wife in the world, hugging me and kissing me constantly.

That same month he went out of town, to visit family, and while he was gone he told me he missed me more than any other time he had gone to see them, things were great. When he got back, he was a lil distant, I asked him why he was distant knowing he had been gone for 2 wks. Said he was tired b/c of an early flight and things like that. We got into a bit of an argument b/c he said I wasn't very appreciative of the fact that he was tired from traveling.

2 days later he came to surprise me at work, and took me out to lunch, he had NEVER done this before. While we were at lunch I said how romantic that was of him. He said if I knew you were going to consider this romantic I wouldn't have done it. I was just trying to be nice, not romantic. I asked hime why and he said he doesn't want to do anything romantic for me.

The next day I asked him what that was about, and he said look I'm not in love w/ you anymore. You don't make me happy. He said I never finish anything I set out to do, the house is never as neat as it should be, I have such a nasty attitude and I treat people mean, he says. He says he's tired of my nasty attitude, and my mouth. And he doesn't want to fix anything with me. I asked him about him missing me when he was gone and about me being the best wife in the world. He said he did miss me but when he got back he realized this just isn't for him anymore. He said I am the best wife in the world, but he's not sure why he is unhappy with me.

He says it's time to "do him" says he's been doing so much for me for solong that he has to find himself. Says he doesn't love himself anymore. He says he's not leaving the girls, he's leaving ME. He said he wants to get a car, and have $$ and move up in life, and those are things he can't have with me.

I was a SAHM for 5 yrs, but I worked PT for 3 of those yrs, but he says it's MY fault he had to struggle and get a 2nd job to support our family, b/c I didn't get a FT job. I asked him why he never told me how much it was hurting him and he says I should have figured it out and said Damn, let me get a FT job, b/c he is struggling. He knew we have absolutely NO ONE to watch our girls, and after school care is rediculously priced, but he doesn't see that now.

He told me he was moving out after the Holidays not to disturb the girls holidays. When the holidays were approaching, I asked him if he was still plnaiing on moving out after the holidays and he said he wasn't sure. But he did say that if he stayed it is b/c he doen't know how to tell the girls, and it doesn't mean he wants to fix anything w/ me b/c he doesn't. I asked him if our marriage is definitely over and he said yes, and gave me such an evil look.

Well, here we are in March, he hasn't left. We have a wknd trip planned this wknd, we still sleep in the same bed, ML almost every night,(the 1st time we did it, he TM the next AM and said sorry, we shouldn't have done that b/c he doesn't want to lead me on, I told him I'm a big girl, he wasn't leading me on, we were 2 adults with the same need in the same place at the same time, now we keep ML alll the time) and he began hugging me at night again. We do only peck on the cheek when one of us gets home or leaves. The other day he was leavin to the gym and was in a very good mood, and gave me a nice kiss on the lips, but now it's back to the cheek. He asks me to shower with him every night too????

I don't know what any of this means. I did snoop, I know, shame on me. Adn I found that he has a secret email acct that he signs on to his phone from work, then signs out before he leaves work.

He doesn't go out w/o telling me where he's going, he's always home from work on time. He does go to the gym nightly, but that's not new. So I'm not sure what's the pt in the secret acct, unless it's something emotional w/ some OW. B/c he is home every wknd with me, and there aren't any physical signs.

Any advice out there?? Could be this be a MLC?? What does it mean if he's hugging me at night again? This AM he ironed my clothes for me, he hasn't done that in yrs. Still just a peck on the chk for a kiss. He has been wrestling with me lately???

PS...He says he's been unhappy in our marriage for the past 4-5 yrs, but didn't want to hurt me by telling me, and that he's sorry it came out, but now that it is out, he doesn't want to fix anything. For Valentine's Day he got me my fave chocolates, he took me out to dinner. For his b-day back in Jan, I wa goint to take him to see his dad out of town, in another country, and he said the price wasn't worth it for a 4 day trip, but MAYBE NEXT YR. What's up with that? Plz help, I'm so confused, and don't want to read too much in to anything, to be let down.

Do you think if I finish a few life goals I had in the past he'll see I really am different now?

** Sorry for any typos I'm at work, and there are nosie people around.