Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

Journaling
Well, first things first, I found out that he didn't actually have intercourse with the other two girls, just sorta goofed around. Not that it makes it "ok"....it's just not "as bad" as I thought and now I don't have to imagine him 'with' someone else.

Counseling I am still not sure about. It seems to be making things worse. I feel less connected to him. It feels like all we do is focus on negative crap from the past and I am tired of it. I am tired of having to say over and over, "I was sick". H is dredging up all sorts of old complaints and then we aren't actually reconnecting afterwards. It's just argue argue argue. A lot of "You said 'this'" "Well, I said 'this' because you did 'that'" "Well, I did 'that' because you did the 'other'" and so on.

My landlord is starting to wonder what I am going to do about purchasing this house. My favorite prairie dog is on her death bed. Real estate is a struggle. I feel like I am about to crack under the pressure.

The one thing I will say about the C is that it appears she is trying to see if he has a fear of intimacy. Her observation is that when we get closer to each other, he will shut down and move away. Which in turn, makes me go towards him more and then he feels smothered or that I am needy. The question is- why does he get fearful when we get close? C thinks that he has a fear of disappointing me/not being 'enough' and also that I will disappoint him/not be 'enough' for him.

He said he doesn't want to commit until he is 110% sure that is what he wants. And he is definitely not ready to do that. OH, and he said that one on one, we are great, but out in the world, as a couple, we aren't "that" couple that everyone wants to be. I pointed out that in Costa Rica, yes we were. When we were going to the karaoke place, yes we were. We haven't had much exposure as a couple since I started the thyroid meds to actual friends. Not to mention-- per his own words, he was checked out. How can we be "that couple" (consistently) when he is checked out? (I didn't get to make that point in counseling, but I think I will next time.)

I have to admit, when he talks about his perception of things, even I feel discouraged and hopeless, so how can I expect him not to? OTOH, I think he is overlooking the recent past and thus, probably jumping to the wrong conclusion or fearful of things he need not be.