Hi Gary...it sounds like you have a lot of reading and thinking to do! I don't envy you, but on the other hand, I know that if my ex-h and I had only done some reading and research and true self reflection, we could have turned a doomed marriage into a good one. So good for you! Seriously, lots of people just are too ignorant of what makes marriage work to do the work involved and make that happen, myself specifically being too ignorant.
About the alcohol...just so that you can start to think about this a little bit differently, an alcoholic doesn't mean someone is always drunk or that they can't refrain from getting drunk once they start drinking. Quite contrary. Most alcoholics have a ritual that goes along with getting drunk. Some may get drunk every day but that isn't the only form of it. Some of them may only get drunk once per month or less, yet they are still alcoholics! The factor in your wife's case that is a giveaway is that she is drinking daily. Even if in moderation, you cannot take an addictive substance daily and not expect to become addicted to it. The slow but steady and daily stream of alcohol into her bloodstream every day has caused an addiction, there is no way it can't. Does that make sense? Even if she just drank the 2-3 drinks per day but never more than that, she would still be addicted to alcohol because the body will "demand" her to drink if she tries not to for just one day.
Alcholics can be very normal people who don't seem to be "drunk all the time" is what I am trying to say. So perhaps part of why you are wishing to avoid this being true about your wife is because you have a misperception of what an alcoholic "is". They are not always daily, drunken, unfunctioning people.
So yes, please do read more and more about it. She may also be using alcohol as an anti-depressant, self-medicating with it. If this is the case, then if you and she can get to the bottom of depression issues, the alcohol may disappear. This will be difficult if she won't talk about it, however....so keep in mind too that at some point, you will probably have to almost force her to talk to you, ok?
