It is hard for me to reconcile the DB techniques with MC. I cry when I talk about anything meaningful at the session. The counselor is an expert at getting to meaty topics. My husband has teared up or cried at each session. We have a 10-15 minute debrief on the curb outside (I "gotta go" first--hard for me but I do it). My H is the one who wanted to MC, got the name, and makes the appts. I've told myself to confine OR talks to MC exclusively and have done that. The MC (what little he has addressed to me) is prodding me as tentative or reserved. Any thoughts?
The MC must have talked to our IC's. He seemed to have more insight than he could of from 3 50 minute sessions. He rec'd a book to H--Parenting from Within. He is laser-focused on my H and why my H doesn't feel emotionally close when sharing emotions or getting comforted.
H couldn't pull up any instances of feeling an emotional connection to me--"for sure not in the last few months." Says there is a wall between us including one created by me since I'm not doing what I have always done (chase him, babble on, touch him a lot). Says he feels mostly obligation to me/us. Says he feels very alone and my life continues on without change--Huh? Doesn't understand or maybe believe why I love him if he has done something bad--kind of goes with his ongoing confusion about motivations-probably thinks I'm in the game for "the family enterprise" and $ and not him. Doesn't understand why he should be vulnerable in life/relationships. Feels misunderstood.
I am taking to heart the advice about talking to friends/family about our marital struggles. This one is really hard for me. I've told to much to too many already. I realize now that that is going to make it much harder for him to return--much easier to run. the most charged example: When I discovered the bomb, I immediately told my 17 and 19 yo. H had told me he wanted a future with her and to take care of her and that we had already gotten our share and that the kids "would be fine." I truly felt at the time that I was in a war-like situation and was rescuing them. My 19 yo D gave him a piece of her mind and has pretty much treated him like my immature self would. She is coming home from college for spring break and I know he is worried and ashamed and thinks he has permanently broken their relationship (in a selfish, I'm getting punished way). So I'll be pouring it out here and cutting my friends off. It'll be hard with my mother but I need to get off the obsessing.
On the positive solutions front, H is touching me after a couple weeks of nothing--as in hand on the shoulder as he is leaving for work. Or touching my hand when I say goodnight. Weird, but after the bomb, we escalated in the ML dept for a couple weeks so I can't help but think that is on his mind. He said in MC that he sees ML as "manipulative" or maybe too difficult for him to stay separate or with his own feelings so I am DB'ing there too. I will be moving back to our bed when my daughter comes home, so that will be difficult to get what registers to me as "the silent treatment" there.
So everything I wrote means I do not accept the truth about MLC. Eff you MLC--MLC and houseguests--both stink after three days.
