Dropping the rope

[peacetoday]

I think I am getting the hang of this
I am dim now
I dont call--he hardly calls

for business-I am a good professional secretary
I do my job--no chit chat and hardly see H at work
I come after he leaves

when he takes kids-I stay upstairs-
he calls me down sometimes..I go for a brief second answwr his question and excuse myself

This makes sense to me--all that time 2years- I DB well I spent lots of time laying a foundation
I validated him. I listened I was a good friend--He was not, just a liar
Now
I am nothing except a stbxw
maybe he will feel the loss --maybe not

I have to let go emotionally, I am still holding on
not sure for what
He shows NO signs of wanting to return --no signs at all

So I think I am doing the right thing by becoming scarce
I can always restart our friendship again later
He wants that



I notice that as I detach, H comes less to see kids
always lies to them and has excuses
he is averaging 2x a week visits from 4x a week
I have to accept that as well
and practice moving on
hoping it will get easier to let him really GO
Any thought sppreciated??
Peace

[dl443322]

Hey Peace. Yeah that letting go is elusive. So hard to do. I think going dim is good, if it is for you, not h.

I think that may be the road to take in order to let go. Shame about him seeing the kids less. His choice though, wrong one, but his. He is losing all the way around. And it is so hard when it is your children being affected.

Keep the focus on you and your kids. Do you do anything for fun?Try to find something that brings you some happiness, my friend.

[peacetoday]

I continur to be dim
it is hard
H is also dim..he comes less
I feel so torn about the whole thing
I didnt want to accept that frienship that we established in place of out M--it is unacceptable..I will be cordial thats it

so it has to be all or nothing in this
H seems like he is also willing to give me up in friendship and move into his new life with OW
I dont know if he feels anything else about this..he seems all to willing to move on

I fear he will disconnct more from the kids as a way to protect himself as he is showing less connection with them
he knows I dont want OW in picture with my kids and she will eventually meet them if they stay together
so MY STBX has let go of everything financially, and now eevn his kids to continue with her


what hurts the most is that he has picked her over me and our kids
our D is almost complete
I look back on these 2 years of how hard ive worked and yet i still cant let go
why?
peace

[dl443322]

Hey my friend, you cant let go because you still love him, because this is not how you thought your life would be, because he is the father of your children and you are human.

There is no timeframe for being able to completely let go, it comes when it comes.

No one knows what the future holds. The only thing we could control is ourselves. So, try to fill your life, enjoy your kids, find yourself. And then little by little, you will let go.

I think setting the foundation of friendship was good if for nothing else than for him to have a safe road back to his children when he is ready.

Hang in there, Peace. He is not done with his journey, that is why he is with her.

[peacetoday]

thanks

[peacetoday]

I have a question - any thoughts appreciated

yesterday I got the D agreement
H agreed to everything I wanted ( he gave up everything)
He agreed to go to co-parenting couseling 10 sessions
he also agreed to 10 sessiosn IC ( I was surprized b/c he said he would cross that one out)

THere was this one line in agreement my L wrote:

Reconciliation will not affect this agreement
(His L crossed it out)
I know I am grasping at straws here since H also said he is ready to sign this and have final hearing

any thoughts on this?
thanks
peace

[glamgirl]

Peace it's not that your h chose ow over you, it's that he chose a life that was easier. How easy it is to pick up a life with someone else. No responsibilities, no mortgage, not bills, no fighting, no kids, wow who wouldn't choose that over a M.

In the beginning it seems less complicated and easier, the problem is that just like every R it can get old especially when more of the difficult stuff of life starts creeping in. Like finances and responsibilities. Eventually true colors do seep out.

Your h will have regrets one day. Peace you can't let go, because you still love the h that you were M to. There is nothing wrong with that. You have depth and character.

Stay strong!

[Treese]

Peace...Glam is right....we can't let go because we love them...

go over to my thread and read what I just did...dumb I know but I guess I had enough of him smiling, and being happy go lucky.

I'm about to be in the same boat as you....guess we can row together....if I tell my H he'll regret someday...he'll tell you, "no i won't, I did the right thing"...sometimes I say to myself, "maybe he did"...but I'm a great mom and I take care of everything...all by myself....

Hang in there, I"m right with ya....Treese

[Upside]

Hi peace-
What are your thoughts on why your H's L would have crossed out that line of the agreement? It could just mean that if you did reconcile before the D was final, the terms of the agreement are null and void. Or it could possibly mean that the L and/or your H feel that the line is unnessary since they are proceeding forward with the D. I doubt it is worth putting a whole lot of thought into it.

Yes, your H has chosen to continue to avoid dealing with his issues, sacraficing your M, his relationship with his kids and even control of his business. Most likely your H will end up avoiding similar issues with the OW. Hopefully your H will go to C with an open mind and truly listen but he still may not be ready to hear anything he is told. Even if things don't sink in right away, they probably will later...when your H finally opens his mind, the gravity of your H has done will finally hit him. Who knows when that will be.

I know you are already doing this for the most part but, now you really have to drop the rope and live your life now as if your H is not coming back. Put your time and energy into your kids, your business and you. You will continue to grow and become a better person because of this tragedy. Your H is stuck and will have a lot of work to do to ever catch up with you. Who knows what will happen in the future but don't let that keep you from making your life the way you want it right now.

(((HUGS)))

[peacetoday]

HI
Thanks GG Tresses and upside for your thoughts and support

I went to L today
I asked Him why did H L cross off this line

"Reconciliation will not affect this agreement"

MY L said he didnt think it was H L b/c he has done cases against her and written this line in other agreements and it was not crossed off

He thought it was important and suggested My H was the one who asked L what it meant and then H decided to cross it off
Just in case he thought he might ever return??
I dont know

my L suggested strongly to put in back in AGREEMENT b/c there have now been severla cases ( Mostly WAW)
who reconcile for a short time, leave again and then try to get agreemnt adjusted and in some cases the judge will
so I put it back in

I probably should have agreed to leave it out, since I know I would try to reconcile if H wanted, but if H wants to return this wont stop him..right?
peace