1,3,4 & 5. I have been nothing but a great husband. hacve to pat myself on the back, because it is true.
Don't worry about hammering me, it is why I am here and why I like talking to you. 30+ years gave me my kids and my grandbabies, of that I thank God every waking day and pray for them all every night.
Things in my life could have been different. i gave up a football scholarship to a two year college in chicago, full boat. i gave up my playing int he band because it kept me away from home too often and it bothered her. I gave up free time with my friends to work every opportunity I had. I gave up weekends to work and make money for my family. do i regret these things, no i do not. these were things I did for my "family" these are things I have done because I believed it had to be that way. i asked her to give up nothing, she gave up nothing. she had choices when we were young and she got pregnant. choices that would have given her her "teenage" years. She chose to be a mother and a wife. Now she has decided that she does not want that. So I have worked all my life, stressed all my life, worried all my life to build an enviroment for my family and a solid foundation for us. If I could have seen this coming, things I gave up would not have happened so easily.
I don't "regret" my life. Far from it. But like everything else that has happened to me over the past five years of absoute emoitional and mental hell, it is made me stronger and more resilient. but like everything else, when you gain something, you must also lose something. I have lost my capacity to "feel" for her right now. this is not self inflicted, it is a fact of life. I relate this situation to spending 30 years of building a house, and then, one day, there is a fire, the house is totally gone, everything you put into it is gone, all your money and effort, your heart and your soul. and in a moment, it is gone. Oh, you will rebuild, but not with the same passion or desire that you took over those 30 years because now you must put a "roof" over your head and a floor beneath your feet to weather the elements. You rebuild quickly and effectively, because you have to. Slowly you will put time into it, but the general house is put up because it has to be so...Not sure if it makes sense to you, but it is the best analogy I have to explain me and this situation.
Rebuilding is not a bad thing and does require some serious thought and planning. I have to safeguard myself against the things that have happened to me. Falling "in love" again, well I am not sure that will ever happen to me or for me again at this point. but you know what, right now i am OK with that. the Lord has not seen fit to take me down that path and so i believe now it is not in his plans that it needs to happen, now. the Lord has not taken me down a path of infidelity, finacial ruin or gain either. but He has chosen to make me more of what i was and am. I am stronger and more thoughtful. I care about my time with family and friends more than i care about time with "myself". I cherish my moments with the people i love. And I love them unconditionally....FaithfulH had told me I need to love her unconditionally. I do not know her. I cannot love her anymore than a strnager I pass in the mall. Her face and voice are not in my head. The woman I married is dead and gone. That is a fact. Argue if you will, but my kids have made the comment that their mother is gone, this other person is a stranger to them. That hurts. I can take the pain, but I cannot take seeing them hurt or hear their comments about their mother. I am done defending her. Her actions are her actions. God is working His will and way with her, I am not.
Item 2, I know how hard I worked and what I gave to my marriage. To have it cast away from me withoput a conversation or competent explanation is crap. She did what she did because she did. End of story. Do I want to dwell on everything I gave to my marriage only to see it end without a reason.....No, uh, nooooooooo....
I will not remember how hard I worked, the weeks were I hardly slept around all those Christmases working extra shifts and hours to give my family everything I could. I don't ask for much in my life, and find myslef constantly asking "What did i do in my other life that was so bad that I have to live these pains?"
I ask for nothing, bacause it comes in large quantity to me and for me. I make my way in life, because it will not be handed to me. those who wait for their lives to be fulfilled by others will die alone and unfulfilled. I keep getting kicked while I am down, and i am sick and tired of it. IRS now slapping me for last years return, did I ask her for help, hell no. she can't and even if she could, I want NOTHING from her. I have bills I have to cath up on stil from when we were "together" and I am not sure how long we truly were "togehter". Is she paying any of that, no. Is she helping with D17's issues and what not, no....Do I ask for any, No. she owes me for her car insurance, do iask for it, no. she gave me a $100 towards it last week only because I helped her cash he rinsurance check to get her car fixed. Will she use the money to gether car fixed, I doubt it....Will her car get repossessed again and the burden be put on me, most likely....She is happy in her life because she has not responsibility other than her. Her time out having a good time, her time with another man who doesn't have a pot to piss in, time with her firends. yeah, I'd come back from that life....No she is where she believes she deserves to be. She has been doing things for herself for at least four years...Me well I do nothing, I work, pay bills and made sure my family was secure. I spent my retirement money when I was out of work to maintain our/her lifestyle. This marriage ends, she forces me to sell the house in a crappy economy, I retire with nothing....Her, well I am sure she will continue to find "someone" to fuilfill her temporary life swings....And she will be happy doing so....God save her soul, because I can't and I won't
