Oh my life is far from over. I am just saying that the pain will be with me forever, I cannot forget it, it is like the pin in my jaw and my cracked ribs. I go on not thinking about hem, but every now and then, the pain comes back and I remember.
My life is going on just fine. I fall back on my emotions every now and then, for the most part it passes like a bad cough. My D21 and I went out together, just me and her, to talk. She is very proud of me, especially since the holidays, she can't get over how ahead of everything i am. She says she has talked to her brother and her sisters. they believe if the W came back to me, it would ruin me. thats how far up the hlll I am. I am enjoying myself, my time with my kids, our connection, time with my friends and my life. the new job prospect, thinking about what I will do about this and what I will do about that. I am not concerned with her, her life, her friends, her anything....She is who she wants to be, good for her...I hope she is happy where she is, I hope she spends as much of her life being happy in her world as she can be...She has no connection here...Not with me...Not now....God is in control of this and I am doing as I am doing...As you said, her life will show her her own consequences of what she has done, God save her soul if she ever does....
You know 25Year, I don't even like hearing about her now, it just pisses me off. She throws all of her life and all the things she is doing to her daughters, doing this doing that....Her daughters are not impressed. I have impressed them they tell me, but I tell them, this is not a competition. I had to grow up and become responsible or take the pipe...I have chose to live out my life, without her, and keep my family tight and close, to be there for them, and let them know I am even stronger tofday than yesterday...
Day 7 today. I have not heard from her or seen her. I have heard about her from my kids, but nothing worth mentioning. Blues have come and gone. focused on the prospect of a new job and another new beginning, this one much more positive than the last. I see many new beginnings in my future, sadly, none of it with W, as of right now. But with each day comes a new verse. god will do what god will do, if it is meant to be, then it will be, if 30+ years was a waste, then it was a hard lesson learned. I am used to getting hard lessons in life, seems to be the only way I learn sometimes. Can only be kicked so many times before you kick back...Dark is working for me, not for my M/R, but for me. I cannot remember her face or her voice, nothing. Soon, she will be a distant memory, it is sad to think of it that way, but that time is coming quick. If I don't see or hear from her in a year, I doubt it will bother me...Again, sad....30+ years and this is what I have to show for it...Anyway, Day 7 looking forward to a good weekend, Corned Beef and cabbage dinner sunday with the kids, really like the sunday dinner thing, makes me very happy..
sorry to hammer you twice in one day but you said if things don't work out then ..."30 years is a waste" Wow...
Nope. NOT SO.... If my m ends tomorrow and I have gone thru all the DBing and piecing for "nothing"...I won't consider it a waste. Why?
BECAUSE OF:
1) MY KIDS lives...if this was the ONLY way I could have these 3 wonderful people in my life, then I'd do it all again (100 times over) in a heartbeat. They make it ALL worthwhile no matter what my h does or how my M goes.
2) I'd much rather know I worked too long and too hard to save the M--than to worry that I had quit too soon.
3) I'm a much better more loving, "awake" woman than before all this. I benefit from that; my loved ones benefit from that, and maybe a man will also benefit from this. ( if not h, then someone else.)
4) I'm closer to my kids than before.
5) I have a better relationship with God than before.
Any of this resonate with you?
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
1,3,4 & 5. I have been nothing but a great husband. hacve to pat myself on the back, because it is true.
Don't worry about hammering me, it is why I am here and why I like talking to you. 30+ years gave me my kids and my grandbabies, of that I thank God every waking day and pray for them all every night.
Things in my life could have been different. i gave up a football scholarship to a two year college in chicago, full boat. i gave up my playing int he band because it kept me away from home too often and it bothered her. I gave up free time with my friends to work every opportunity I had. I gave up weekends to work and make money for my family. do i regret these things, no i do not. these were things I did for my "family" these are things I have done because I believed it had to be that way. i asked her to give up nothing, she gave up nothing. she had choices when we were young and she got pregnant. choices that would have given her her "teenage" years. She chose to be a mother and a wife. Now she has decided that she does not want that. So I have worked all my life, stressed all my life, worried all my life to build an enviroment for my family and a solid foundation for us. If I could have seen this coming, things I gave up would not have happened so easily.
I don't "regret" my life. Far from it. But like everything else that has happened to me over the past five years of absoute emoitional and mental hell, it is made me stronger and more resilient. but like everything else, when you gain something, you must also lose something. I have lost my capacity to "feel" for her right now. this is not self inflicted, it is a fact of life. I relate this situation to spending 30 years of building a house, and then, one day, there is a fire, the house is totally gone, everything you put into it is gone, all your money and effort, your heart and your soul. and in a moment, it is gone. Oh, you will rebuild, but not with the same passion or desire that you took over those 30 years because now you must put a "roof" over your head and a floor beneath your feet to weather the elements. You rebuild quickly and effectively, because you have to. Slowly you will put time into it, but the general house is put up because it has to be so...Not sure if it makes sense to you, but it is the best analogy I have to explain me and this situation.
Rebuilding is not a bad thing and does require some serious thought and planning. I have to safeguard myself against the things that have happened to me. Falling "in love" again, well I am not sure that will ever happen to me or for me again at this point. but you know what, right now i am OK with that. the Lord has not seen fit to take me down that path and so i believe now it is not in his plans that it needs to happen, now. the Lord has not taken me down a path of infidelity, finacial ruin or gain either. but He has chosen to make me more of what i was and am. I am stronger and more thoughtful. I care about my time with family and friends more than i care about time with "myself". I cherish my moments with the people i love. And I love them unconditionally....FaithfulH had told me I need to love her unconditionally. I do not know her. I cannot love her anymore than a strnager I pass in the mall. Her face and voice are not in my head. The woman I married is dead and gone. That is a fact. Argue if you will, but my kids have made the comment that their mother is gone, this other person is a stranger to them. That hurts. I can take the pain, but I cannot take seeing them hurt or hear their comments about their mother. I am done defending her. Her actions are her actions. God is working His will and way with her, I am not.
Item 2, I know how hard I worked and what I gave to my marriage. To have it cast away from me withoput a conversation or competent explanation is crap. She did what she did because she did. End of story. Do I want to dwell on everything I gave to my marriage only to see it end without a reason.....No, uh, nooooooooo....
I will not remember how hard I worked, the weeks were I hardly slept around all those Christmases working extra shifts and hours to give my family everything I could. I don't ask for much in my life, and find myslef constantly asking "What did i do in my other life that was so bad that I have to live these pains?"
I ask for nothing, bacause it comes in large quantity to me and for me. I make my way in life, because it will not be handed to me. those who wait for their lives to be fulfilled by others will die alone and unfulfilled. I keep getting kicked while I am down, and i am sick and tired of it. IRS now slapping me for last years return, did I ask her for help, hell no. she can't and even if she could, I want NOTHING from her. I have bills I have to cath up on stil from when we were "together" and I am not sure how long we truly were "togehter". Is she paying any of that, no. Is she helping with D17's issues and what not, no....Do I ask for any, No. she owes me for her car insurance, do iask for it, no. she gave me a $100 towards it last week only because I helped her cash he rinsurance check to get her car fixed. Will she use the money to gether car fixed, I doubt it....Will her car get repossessed again and the burden be put on me, most likely....She is happy in her life because she has not responsibility other than her. Her time out having a good time, her time with another man who doesn't have a pot to piss in, time with her firends. yeah, I'd come back from that life....No she is where she believes she deserves to be. She has been doing things for herself for at least four years...Me well I do nothing, I work, pay bills and made sure my family was secure. I spent my retirement money when I was out of work to maintain our/her lifestyle. This marriage ends, she forces me to sell the house in a crappy economy, I retire with nothing....Her, well I am sure she will continue to find "someone" to fuilfill her temporary life swings....And she will be happy doing so....God save her soul, because I can't and I won't
Stop the self pity. I got an IRS letter last month regarding taxes they claim we owe from 1987 (yes, 21 years ago...). WE ALL get our "crap" (put myself thru college/law school and H did college/veterinary school and med school without a CENT from the Gov or family and so did ALL of my 9 siblings) so you are not alone.
You are in a country where no one is shooting at you or stopping you from worshipping as you please, you have shelter over your head, there is no famine or drought threatening your life or your family's. You are fundamentally healthy as are all your family members. No one has been murdered or threatened by an enemy, nor are there rebel tribes hacking off the limbs of family members and -- ALL those things are happening right now to innocent people as I type this -- and AGAIN it's happening as you read this. Literally.
Also, your wife did not "get pregnant" by herself. (I don't even know where to begin with that comment...never mind. ) Don't become a bitter lonely man b/c your wife made some selfish choices. So now You are letting HER dictate how YOU live your life? Yes you are IF becoming bitter is the response you choose. It's not an appropriate response and It's really not healthy either. You are better than this. (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am really not bitter. I watch the news every day and think how much worse off so many people are. I worry about my kids, my friends and all other people I know that are gong through something in their lives. No she did not get pregnant by herself, it was a very romantic night, I can name the night, the day and what she made me for dinner and even the weather that night. As I have said before, memory of an elephant. I forget nothing, its my make up... Its pity I am putting forth, its reality. I will never get over the pain completely. I have pains, emotional pains from years ago, that never leave me. they are scars that don't heal, they remind me of thigns that have happened and the results of me letting them happen again.
LEt me share this with you, I know you will appreciate it, but may not believe this is actually me...
My father always told me, life is a battle. there will be times you will win and tmes you will lose. In life you cannot choose your battles, they will come to you. It is your decision as to whether or not the battle is worth fighting. In the times that you lose, look for two things, first, why did you lose? and Second, what positive comes away from the battle.
I have not "lost" any battle yet with regard to her. the positive me and my cousin shared just this afternoon. And I immediately thought of you and our recent posts together. I needed this time alone and apart. I mean "I NEEDED THIS TIME ALONE AND APART" to see who I really am, because I was not who I had become. You and AmyC and FaithfulH had said this is most likely god's will for whatever reason it may be. My positive from this battle is simple and precise. I am not who I had become, nor do I like the person I had become. Would I be me, who I am now, if this had not happened? No, I would still be that other person, the same person she has become. I would not offer to you that I would have walked because of the same stressors, but my mind was too full of what I could not control and the fact that I felt everything crashing down around me, daily. My nervous breakdown was only a matter of time. I have been shaken to the core, I have been slapped out of the coma and I have seen the light....
she does not dictate how I live....I make that decision, now...I could not say that 2 months ago. I do not speak ill of her or think it, mostly, I cannot lie...but i am a better person for all my wear. this is gospel. I see it, my kids see it, my friends see it....i am incvited everywhere, and when I can't make it, I get groans...Nice, very nice to be missed. It was only 8 months ago, that when I didn't go, it was a relief because I brought drama with me...Not so anymore...
My battle is neither won or lost at this point, her mind is , well , her mind....God is dealing with her in His way...And the longer I let him, the better I get (Ithink you also told me that would happen). She had surgery on her wrist today, nothing complicated I am sure, but still....I sent her a text today after work, simply "Hope your surgery went OK". where she is staying they get no service, So I am sure sometime this weekend she will get it. do I expect a response, honestly, Yes...And I will get a thank you or something to that affect, end of it. I will not get into a text vomit with her. The text will not win her back or anything else, that text is what I would have sent to anyone I know, honest. Why should she not receive the same courtesy I would give anyone else I know.
everyone tells me she will be back and blah, blah, blah....People on this board know more than those who are not, and no one can say with any certainty that she will or won't. I accept that. Does it bother me she is not here, yeah it does, honest. Mostly when I am behind the 8 ball with a feeling of utter frustration, because I have no confidant to speak with and bounce things off of...My copusins life was hell for many years. she is remarried now to a fabulous guy and she is so happy and deservedly so...God shined on her and I see the benefit...I am getting the compliments and feel better each day. You know that feeling, I know you do...And when you feel that "high" you think, God, if she was only with me to enjoy this, but the reality is this, if this had not happened, who would I be? Very sobering thought...I did not choose this battle, but it cannot be denied the fight of my life...I cannot accept that more than half of my life has led me to a dead end road...If her life will show her the consequences of her actions, then so shouldn't mine?
Not bitter, just still confused...I suppose someday I will understand, but for now, I am stil learning to be me, and that's enough right now, I am a good man, a good father, a good brother and son and an excellent friend. I only have one vice, and kicking it is hard and painful, but i am seeing the light at the end of this addiction. All she is, is her choice, not mine and not my doing. who I am now is my doing, she made me me decide, I should thank her for probably saving my life. I won't, but there you are...I hope this made some kinda sense to you. I am not totally over her because I see no finality in this just yet...When it comes, I will be prepared, if it comes to that...Practice makes perfect, and LD needs no shulders to carry his burden anymore...No tears, no bitterness. I still don't want to be anywhere she is, does that make me bitter? I hope not, I just choose to be where I am happy, I am not around her...Again, I hope that doesn't make me bitter...Love ya...Keep them coming...I always feel stronger after posting with you and tright now I feel real good.
not to quibble okay, but I don't expect to ever understand my h or his MLC. I just have to accept that he had a quest I'll never agree with, the costs were enormous to our family and M in so many ways it could NEVER be worth it to me....but I accept that it was to him, probably? Who cares? I will not keep looking back to make sense of anything but my role in it so I don't repeat any thing that could lead to it again. ANd I 'll watch him for any sign of going back into the tunnel and otherwise NO MORE LOOKING BACK OR ASKING WHY WHY WHY???? WHY ME? WHY GOD. WHY?
A 10 y/o at cancer camp told me once she had asked that question about why she was so sick. "I used to ask God why me, God, why? Why? why? WHY? And then I just realized I just was sick...and so, I decided to try and have fun while I'm not sick..." she died the next summer but had learned more in her 10 years than many of do in a life time. It just IS.
What IS important is that you and your wife see your future the same way and want the same things, going forward....that's it. Forget about revising the marital history to get it in agreement or understanding all her actions, or why why why it all happend, or who did what, or whatever but at least now you are not sleepwalking thru your lifel. You are awake!
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are the BOMB! I don't expect I will even wanna know what thehell she decided and why...Honest.
"What IS important is that you and your wife see your future the same way and want the same things, going forward....that's it."
I guess that is the ultimate goal. right now we obviously don't. I need to ask you, sleeplessness, I have suffered from it before, but the past month, it is brutal. did you suffer from this? It is a little far down the line for me to be waking subconsciously over this situation...
Oh, by the way, my xpectation of hearing from her regarding my text, got it. "Thanks for asking!" is what she wrote. No text vomit back. I will let it ride. Would you consider antything like that a sign? i mean both me asking how she was, her responding, and me expecting it and seeing it....The Lord works in mysterious ways....I have no signs, so , nevermind, not a sign, just being polite....I have plans to not sit on my A$$ tonite and watch TV alone. I find I don't want to sit home as much lately which is a huge sign for me. I feel absolutely great today, thank you. the conversation with my cousin about why I have been alone and your posting to me with regard to me being a little too full of myself has put me back wher eI wanna be. Day 9, getting stronger. I will not count the text against me as i initiated it. Love ya babe, need to keep the battle in front, no looking back now, we are too far into it.
I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS BATTLE, BUT BY GOD'S WILL, I WILL WIN IT EITHER WAY!!!!!
Welcome to the world of living with chemistry (for me, it's Ambien...get it, use it, do not make calls when you've taken it-you won't remember what you said and you'll regret it. Get in bed with a magazine, take it, and sleep.)
Keep up what works which you have yet to discover, and stop changing directions, b/c that is NO direction.
You can do this and you know what? You have to do this. So that's that. (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
