My name is Mark and I am coming to you all from England. I unfortunately have a WAW who dropped the bomb the week before last christmas 08. This site has been an incredible help to me and I would just like to thank you all for the support and the energy to continue the fight to get my wife back.
My sitch saw my wife declare the same old "loved me but was not IN love with me" speech, "living with a relative" etc etc. I have begged, pleaded, cried til there is no tomorrow, did not get out of bed on one day as I was so depressed. My wife uttered "I have so made the right decision". I have snooped on her phone, her wardrobe and underwear drawers, she knows all this which has helped to push her further away. I have not found any proof of her seeing somebody else, but I feel she may be involved in an EA with a 'special friend' that may appear when I am out of the picture. She refuses any counselling as she has said over the years I have not supported her emotionally and it is too late. I have validated her 'reasons', tried to keep a calm temprement, though she thinks I am patronising her because I will not engage in any arguments and am keeping calm, which for me is a complete 180. I have done the changes around the house, more helpful, spending more time with the children, though I must admit she has not uttered a word until yesterday when she thanked me for doing the ironing. We have no physical contact and I sleep in my son's room, she has lost over 32 pounds in weight and is buying new clothes, which she says is because she cannot get into anything she currently owns.
I am still living in the house but I am moving out in 3 weeks as the atmosphere there, especially with the children hearing and seeing us arguing is not good for them. I have read Michelle's DR which has been really helpful, and am considering 'going dark' when I move, but because of the children and because some of the reasons she says was lack of emotional support and closeness I feel it may be 'more of the same', I am very confused. I am GAL, gym, seeing friends etc, also as my wife has petiontioned for divorce on grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' I feel I am losing if she has not gone already. She seems to want ot get the divorce, the finances etc resolved as quickly as possible. I suspect it is because of someone else, but as I have said I have not found any proof of this, or is she trying to get this resolved as quickly as possible so that she will not look bad in front of her family and friends and it is a 'natural' meeting with someone new after our divorce.
I desperately want our marriage to be re-paired but she does not text me anymore during the day, and when I am at home we have minimal dialogue and if it is I try and keep it light, but she seems to want to talk about finances and "what date am I leaving?" I have not had any support from my family which I have chosen because they were part of the problem, my in-laws have not said anything as they do not want to gat involved. I have vented to mutual friends which has back-fired on me as they have gone back and told my wife what I said. If she is seeing someone in an EA which I feel would become a PA I cannot do anything about it, but I feel I must try and keep the moreal high ground and continue with my changes for me and the children, and hope she sees some kind of light (please god)
I truly feel isolated, alone, depressed and without seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I also lose my job at the end of this month which is even more stress as I need to continue paying the mortgage, bills etc.
Please, please help me to gain some clarity and direction.
Love to you all,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Hey Mark. I'm sorry to see you here but you've come to the right place. You will get a lot of support here for many people going through similar situations as yourself.
The first thing I will say is think very carefully before you move out. Your wife wants the marriage to end, not you. There is no legal reason you would need to move out of the marital home. In the UK both spouses have occupancy rights so you shouldn't move out. Try to be strong in the face of it.
Secondly, what 'unreasonable behaviour' is your wife stating as a grounds for divorce? If there's nothing, make her wait. You don't have to sign anything.
I'm sure you're already doing it but try to keep signs of conflict away from your kids. Explain to your wife that you need to be seen to be getting along in their eyes.
Finally, I'll suggest you might want to read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. From what little you've written so far it seems to me that you, like me, are a 'Nice Guy'. Trust me, that's not a good thing when it comes to being in relationship built on mutual respect.
I have a WAW too and am already separated. I'm not giving up hope though as I think my wife is just lost. It's my task now to try and make her see that being married to me is a good thing.
Don't give up the fight Mark.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I really appreciate your response. I have mulled over whether to move out or not as I will still be required to pay the mortgage etc, while the house I have restored after a years hard graft will be lived in by my wife and two children. Unfortunately, the house does not hold any good memories for me and I feel a great weight on my shoulders when I walk in the door because of the situation. I feel bitter about this as I am the one who is 'jumping through hoops' trying not to upset the applecart in the hope that she may change her mind over a period of time, but not knowing if anybody else is involved is clouding the issue for me as well as her as I do not want to push her further away if I 'man up'.
I think I need to move out to get some clarity in my own head as well, though the down side to this could be the fact it gives her the opportunity to then engage in her possible EA/PA which I cannot prove, though if I could I would certainly have a harder mindset towards her and our situation.
'Unreasonable behaviour' is what is cited by 85% to 90% of petitioners when they really do not have 'reasons'. In my case she is citing: played golf too often, did not provide emotional support to her during our marriage, did nor spend enough time with the children. CIW, these are not 'reasons', they are excuses for the basic loss of closeness and compatabilty we once had and is very hurtful to me.
I thank you for your 'mr nice guy' tag as I am trying really hard to do the right thing, but all it is doing is making me look weak I feel, which in itself is not a trait my wife would find attractive. That is the paradox - do I 'man up' to show I can be strong, manly etc or do I go along with the 'validation' part of DR'ing. Confused.
Thank you for the book suggestion and the advice.
By the way, how is your situation?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
What you're saying makes sense but I really would strongly advise you against moving out AND continuing to pay the mortgage. I know exactly what you're going through because I was there myself a few months ago. When my wife initially dropped the bomb my first thought was that I would do whatever I could to make myself out to be a nice guy and hopefully win her back that way. I moved out of our marital bed in to the spare room, I even considered doing as you're thinking and allowing my wife to remain in our house with our son while I paid the bills. I don't know about your situation but I know that my wife couldn't afford to keep our house if I stopped making payments. Long story short, my nice guy attitude didn't make her stick around and fall back in love with me. I know now that it may even have driven the wedge further between us.
I then found No More Mr Nice Guy. The thing you have to know about this book is that it's not completely pro marriage. It is however pro you. I found it better to use it to help me grow a pair but then use DR to try and save my marriage. After reading it I decided one day to tell my wife that I was moving back in to the marital bed. She told me she wasn't ready for that yet. I said that was fine because a vacancy had just come up in the spare bed! She moved back in to the marital bed with me after only 2 nights in the spare bed. Things then went ok for a while but eventually we had another massive bust up and that was the beginning of the end (for now).
I can't speak for sure about England but in Scotland it's very unlikely a court will grant a divorce for unreasonable beaviours other than physical abuse and adultery. The reasons your wife is stating are petty to say the least.
I felt like you do about staying in the marital home but it is getting much easier honestly. It's now a lovely home that I put a lot of work in to which I can still enjoy with my son. It holds more happy memories than unhappy ones. Yes it's hard but it's not undoable. You really can't let your wife walk all over you like this. If you are still adamant you can't live in the house, sell it and split the profit with your wife. In my case, I had to get a second mortgage to buy my wife out of the property. In the current housing market it was more attractive than selling.
By the way, you thank me for the 'Mr Nice Guy' tag. It's not a compliment. You really need to break away from your nice guy tendencies if you're going to make your marriage work. Buy the book and you'll see what I mean. You'll run in to a few of us 'nice guys' on this site. You don't have to become a bas*ard to not be a nice guy. You just have to learn to stand up for yourself and not let people take advantage of you. Right now I think your priority is to man up. validation in DR doesn't mean always letting your wife get her own way. Think on that.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Thanks for that. I guess it looks as though I am being treated like a doormat, but I know what her reaction will be if I say I am staying - complete hysteria, crying, you probably know the sort of things I mean. I am being dumped and yet I am the one who is dancing to her tune. I find it interesting you say being 'nice' may have pushed her even further away - is standing up to her going to bring her closer or will I merely be trying to assert a degree of masculinity for my own mental good and get back a degree of control?
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Yes to both of your points Mark. Standing up to her will make her respect you more and therefore may bring her closer and it'll also be good for your own mental good to man up a bit.
Yes her reaction may be hysteria, crying, etc but you need to let her go through that. Don't dance to her tune. She has you wrapped around her little finger and you're still making decisions based on how she'll react. You need to stop that. Make decisions based on what's best for you and your kids. If she has a tantrum if you tell her you're staying, so be it. She'll get over it.
It may seem counterintuitive but trying to protect her feelings now is not helping. Women find a strong man attractive. Stand up and show her that you won't be pushed in to anything. She will fight against it but you have to remain strong and not back down. She will try to call your bluff. Make sure it's not a bluff though.
This may all get worse before it gets better. you need to be ready for that. Don't give up though.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Yes her reaction may be hysteria, crying, etc but you need to let her go through that. Don't dance to her tune. She has you wrapped around her little finger and you're still making decisions based on how she'll react. You need to stop that. Make decisions based on what's best for you and your kids. If she has a tantrum if you tell her you're staying, so be it. She'll get over it.
What CanItWork said. ^
Do NOT, under any circumstances, move out of your own home (talk with a lawyer -- in many jurisdictions, it can be viewed as "abandonment" and be used against you). In fact, don't move out of your marital BED.
For women, feelings of love are EXTREMELY tied to feelings of RESPECT. Your wife has not, and WILL not, respect you if you appease her.
Get the book that he suggests -- I'm a semi-reformed "Mr. Nice Guy" myself, and its concepts were EYE-OPENING.
The more I hear from fellow 'nice guys' the more I see the error of my ways in regard to my wife's position. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. Would/could this be seen as a 180 as I am slightly confused, I was very selfish and did things to suit myself ie, sport, non-commital to pre and post natal baby classes, not around when the children were young, though in my defence I was working weekends a fair amount of the time, and if I wasn't I'd be playing golf. Am I being too hard on myself as these are not the reasons my wife is divorcing me? By putting her and my children to the top of my priority list I feel I am already doing a 180, which in turn is something I am doing for myself as a part of self-analysis and improvement.
I would also like to hear from a womens POV.
Mark
W
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
