I will just keep on working and praying and working some more. I know it takes time, and I know I have to just work on me. I get a whole weekend to myself this weekend and I will have a good time and not stress or think about her. Also next weekend I leave for the keys and fishing. Lots of me time coming up
Hey LonelyRzr, It's all so crazy and it's so hard to turn off the brain, to stop the stratigizing, and impossible to stop the hope of being in a new marriage with the love of your life where you are both happy independently and together. I think, all things considered, you are doing great. I agree with a lot of the advice given but I also understand why you left. Sometimes, you have to go against the advice of people that care about you (and I do believe everyone here is in your corner and does want to see you guys make it) because it's what you need to do to respect yourself. I left for the same reasons as you and then for some that are me specific. You are DBing your butt off. Proud of you man.
What Steady said makes so much sense. Why do you do this again? Pointing out your past mistakes in DBing (diff from owning your role in the M problems which you don't have to say more than once really) and focusing on the mistakes...
and then making all these promises...and then going on and on about how things will be different now and you aren't just talking, you really mean it and... blah blah blah-- JUST DO IT AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT!! Why say anything about OM at all?????
Aren't your in laws doing their own thing about OM anyhow? And didn't your w feel so controlled by them, AND abused (verbally/emotionally) by you in the past, and isn't she already used to a lot of WORDS from you that say 'things'll be different" etc...???
Just BE different and don't talk about it or point it out or it's more of the same and pretty much NEGATES whatever change you made since you had to point it out -- it'll look "tactical" not sincere -as in, you are only acting different b/c you want her back, and NOT b/c you needed to make the change for YOU... Be kind, be patient, be affirming and don't criticize or do any of the other cruel things you did before. You know what I'm talking about.
But make these changes b/c YOU want to change or don't make them. They won't be real or permanent if you don't make the changes for the right reasons. But if you do change, really truly, She'll notice, trust us.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Had meeting with IC today and he basically says that I don't need to lose the anger and resentment right now because it is helping to fuel my changes that I am making personally. He tells me (same as you guys) that I need to forget about her and focus on me. Make these changes for me and if it brings her back, then its gravy and if not, oh well, I have made myself better. This is still hard to grasp although I am closer each day.
I had a setback with W today, but it may be for the best. I told her that I was not going to sit around and watch her be with OM and be fine with it. I set boundaries big time. I told her that she will have to choose between him or me and I may not like the outcome, but am willing to accept it. I told her that I do not like the person she has become and that at this point I do not have any trust for her. I told her that I would not wait forever on her and that I was willing to move on and be happy without her. I also told her that I will not be friends with her if we D. I really meant every word and still do. I told her that I had to go into IC and hung up. She then sent a text saying that she will do anything to earn back my respect and trust and that she loves me. My IC backed agreed with everything I said and told me not to back down. Keep up the boundaries and move on and work on me.
She called me when I got out of IC and basically said that she is sorry for everything and wanted it to work too, but she still has to get it back. I told her that I don't want to talk to her anymore about any of this, we will just discuss this stuff in MC if she still wants to go and at this point I do. She is leaving tomorrow for KC with the kids and MIL and I told her that I would call her a couple of times just to talk to the kids but that I didn't think we should talk. I guess I am being a harda$$ but I am sick of this limbo and it needs to move one way or the other. I am not willing to sit around and wait on her to decide between OM and me.
You guys can kill me over this and I probably deserve it, but I gotta do what is right for me and I gotta quit being the doormat!
Ok, nothing wrong with setting boundaries - but I'll tell you this, you HAVE to follow through if she crosses the boundaries you set.
So she reacted in the way you wanted her to - said she would do anything to make it work. She now gave the power back to you, but you took it and hit her over the head with it. Hopefully it won't come back to bite you.
Telling her you are only going to call her a few times to only talk to the kids and don't want to talk to her is you flexing that power that you just got back. The problem I have with it is you did in a revengeful kind of vindictive way. That's not good..it's just 'old' you. Tell me, in the past when you got angry did she back down and cower? I'd guess yes - and if so, it seems you just did the same thing.
I had to laugh when you said you are sick of being in limbo - you've been at this since 11/29/08. Dude I went a year and still lost out. Some people have been at this for 2 or more years...
I agree with your move about the OM. Drawing a boundary works in some sitch's in others it just backfires. I'm curious to see what happens after she has a week without you.
I feel alot of anger in your post.
DETACH.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I was pretty angry today. I'm not sure what to think about it. I am still angry and resentful but so is she. We are both working through this. I wasn't trying to be revengeful or mean by saying that I wouldn't talk to her. I was saying it in a way that I was too mad right now and every time we talk that comes out in me right now and we needed to take a break from that. I probably stated it here more harshly than i said it to her. I said that these 3 days her being gone will be good for both of us to calm down and rethink where we are and what we want. I probably was the "old" me for a minute there but I was just trying to set some boundaries and probably went overboard. Also, I am willing to back follow through if she doesn't comply with them. Really the only boundaries I set were with OM and lying about it. Hopefully she will comply or I am out.
And about the limbo, I am as impatient as hell. I know a lot of you have been at this for a long time and I apologize if I come off as callous as I am not meaning to be. I just want my old life and wife back, not this new thing that has invaded my life. Oh well, I will get back to me and improving me for me.
Thanks for keeping up and keeping me in check, or at least trying
LRZ, setting boundaries is one thing, giving fuel to your anger this way, to spitefully lose your temper again with her is another. Seems to me it's same old same old, and I'd bet a dollar your c did NOT say for you to go ahead & "be angry!"
He didn't say "go with it!" He said something different, or validated that you felt anger. But you took it as an excuse to bitchslap her and threaten...hey, if it works, great.
I pretty much feel you are a man who is too stubborn to change his ways, or too lazy or spoiled. You have been in a "tantrum" mode for some time now. Your patience is appalling to someone like me so it's hard to sympathize much. I wish I could tell you how great you are doing. I really do.
But you said yourself you've been way too critical of her so in the long run, I don't have much belief that your wife will be happy with you this way. I don't know if she'll stay for the kids or the financial security...or if she'll stay at all. But she won't be happy with this behavior for very long. Don't think she is happy now as it is and that's obvious. Maybe as long as she stays that's all you care about though. As long as you "win", right? No, don't pretend I'm defending her r with OM whatever it is. But your behavior and not talking to her...(oh, I forgot, you have a great reason for not talking to her. YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR TEMPER AGAIN...great sign there)
As Steady said, though, now that you put your foot down (or stomped it or whatever) you have to follow thru. Be careful what you wish for.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with 25. I haven't been posting as much as the rest of you but I don't think the your wife wants the old life back. You mentioned that you wanted the old life and wife back, I know what you really meant but you're wife may see it as "he's not changing, why would I want to go back to that."
You've got to show your wife that you are the old LRZ she fell in love with, that takes time. It does sound scary when folks say, they've been at this for years and months. But if it's in your heart, for your wife, kids and family, then do it. But take it easy, you don't want to rush her or yourself into anything.
And if I would have known you were a razorback...LOL - I'm a Longhorn Hook 'em!
Slow and steady LRZ!
Me - 39 W - 39 D - 11 D - 8 S - 5 Served - 04/14/09 Temporary Court Orders - 04/27/09
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
I appreciate your honesty with me. And like I said, I didn't mean to be callous with my impatience for others on here who have been at this A LOT longer than me. I know that I have been stubborn, spoiled, lazy, all of the above. I am TRYING to change that and it will be a process, BUT I will get there.
Also, my C did say that I have every right to be angry and resentful and that I shouldn't lose it right now because it will help me stick with changing the things in my life for me. I disagreed with him and told him that I did need to lose it because it was getting in the way of rebuilding things with W. He said that he understood that and agreed somewhat. I told him that we would agree to disagree on it and that I would work on myself and dealing with the things that make me angry right now and try to move past them. That is really the reason I did stomp my foot down about the OM and will follow through. Also, I am not wishing for her to make me do what I said I would do and I hope like hell that she doesn't. Also, I had this discussion with W BEFORE IC today, so I was telling him what happened when he told me those things. I didn't feel empowered or anything by talking to him and then do it.
I do want my wife to be happy and I want to be happy as well. If we can't be happy together and can't work through the differences then I will let her go if that is what she wants to do. I know ultimately I have to change and lose the anger and temper to ever have a chance with her again and if not with her to have a chance at someone else. I know that what I did today was not the correct way to handle the situation, I knew it before you or steady replied and I know that I screwed up, but I did set some boundaries that will hopefully be followed and that is a first for me. I would normally just sit back and let her do whatever she wanted and either not care, or act like it.
Also, she called me just a bit ago and asked me to go to dinner with her and the kids tonight, but I had already gone out with my Dad, so I declined. Again, that may have been the wrong move, but I think at least until Monday when she gets home I need to follow through with what I said about talking. Now I don't mean that if she calls or whatever that I will not talk to her, I did tonight for a few minutes. I mean nothing about R, M, OM, anything of that sort. Just light stuff only. I know you think that I am a baby or whatever for losing my temper or being angry, but anytime right now that we talk about that stuff, she will say things that either hurt or upset or just make me mad. Its too fresh and too painful to deal with at this time. I know that I need to detach and that will help, but I am not there yet.
Again, thanks for the 2x4 or a$$chewing because I need it. Stick with me and keep me in line. I will get better and I will get "IT" eventually. I am impatient and I know that is one of my biggest flaws. Do you know any good books or anything that can help with that? I will use this weekend to really try to reflect on things and look inside myself to put the anger aside and detach and work on me.
I won't hold you being a shorthorn against you Thanks for the comments. I know, slow and steady. Its hard, but I will do it. I need to step back, take a deep breath and just DB. Quit the pursuing, quit the anger, just detach and detach lovingly. I will get there. You hang in there too man!
