Well I'm a bit later to the update than I promised, but better late than never.
So money's tight and I only purchase one session.
Money's still tight, but I'm leaning towards more.
DB Coach started with background info -- names, ages, kids, jobs, etc.
Then had me Tell the Story for about 8-10 minutes. The "Coming Soon to a Theater Near You" version, mind you, not the "and then on March 2, she said...." version.
My W dropped the bomb on 2/13 with no prior warning. So though I first did the usual Dumb Stuff, I then started DB'ing. That was bad. I wasn't in DB mode, I was in TLR mode -- Stop the Divorce Wheel. I didn't really get that until I talked with Coach.
Spoke with Coach on Monday. MC #2 yesterday.
Coach's advice was -- disrupt her pattern (something that self-help guru Tony Robbins used to always say). The most attractive thing I could do, Coach said, was say, "I get it. I get that she wants a divorce. That we are at the 11th hour."
The point was to take her off-balance, to make her lower her guard -- because, being committed to the D decision, she (like all of us do when we know we're "right") has to "read" everything I do and say as an attempt to attack that position. So the strategy is to do a Massive As-If -- to lead her to believe her position is solid.
So, Coach said, where do you two have common ground? Where is the only place she has any positive feelings for you at all?
Parenting. She admits I am a good father. ILYBNILWY, etc. etc. BUT you are a good father, and I'm not afraid to say so.
Ah-ha! So now we want to start building positive feelings in her towards me. We want to leverage the ONE "plus" I have in this sitch.
So Coach recommended that I go into MC #2 and bust up the pattern by saying something to the effect,
Quote:
"Last session I heard W say that she's done. That this marriage is over. That she wants a D. I don't agree with that. I don't agree that M is over or that D is best option. But I GET that she sees things that way. So I think the best possible use of our time and money here is to focus on clearing away all the negativity between us - all the anger and resentment and disappointment ON BOTH SIDES [see, that makes you stop being a victim!] -- so that we can start to focus on preparing our children to cope with whatever comes."
Then some more stuff about how, no matter what happens, W will be the mother of our children. In the same way that friends always tease my motorcycle buddy and me that we're out on "man dates" and we "make a cute couple" when we're riding, W and I will still be a "couple" insofar as we are both parents of the same kids.
So we have to improve THAT couple relationship.
Then the kicker. And it was hard, believe me, but Coach thought it would really work -- BUT ONLY if I could commit to it.
Well how much worse off can I be, right?
"So I think we'd do better right now[that "right now" is an important marker for me] is to just table any talk of reconciliation, because I just don't think that talk is appropriate at this time[and again, that little off-hand hedge makes all the difference]."
Well it broke up the patterns! MC was completely thrown -- you mean you've accepted the divorce? It sounds like you're preparing for the divorce!
W didn't know what to do. For the first time she turned and looked directly at me.
So I explained that, yes, I was preparing for divorce. I didn't agree with divorce, but I understand that from W's perspective THAT is the purpose of these sessions. And look, I said, she came to this decision before I knew about it -- she went through the internal emotions. I'm just playing catch-up ball here.
So I have to brave. I have to be prepared. Because when and if [and "and if" is another tricky little hedge] that day comes, I have to go home to 2 children and brush their teeth and put them in their jammies and get them to bed.
Would I prefer to remain married? Yes. Do I think that's going to happen? I don't know. I know that W doesn't want it to right now ["right now"], so why don't we just focus on the one thing we have in common and make that better? Because no matter which way this process goes ["which way"], we have to be good parents.
Now let me say this was a big risk. I had to go over those lines a hundred times. And, for the first 5 minutes or so, they almost sunk me. MC started transitioning into post-divorce counseling mode.
But then I think -- I suspect -- MC picked up on what I was doing. Because all of a sudden MC said to W, "W, tell me about your parents' marriage." W's parents' marriage was a good one -- she'd said that in MC # 1, very clever -- so she had to talk about marriage in positive terms.
Then MC asked why W had been attracted to me. And as MC probed W's initial attraction to me, a very interesting thing happened.
W started -- quite unconsciously, I think -- relaxing and leaning ever-so-slightly towards me on the couch. Which MC encouraged, by mirroring W and leaning in the same direction. And W told some funny stories about when we were dating. And she HAD relaxed -- no more crossed arms, no more staring straight ahead, no more clenched jaw.
And the more she went over the Early Days with DrHemlock, the greater the amount of "credit" I had in my emotional account with her.
And MC kept probing, forcing W to remember -- or at least to express verbally -- all the nice things about the start of our M.
And that's where it ended -- Time! -- and it was very easy to schedule MC #3, whereas at the end of MC #1 it was like pulling teeth.
So I accomplished all of my goals for that session. Got TO the session. Got THROUGH the session. Got ANOTHER session scheduled.
Because at the end of the day, Coach was right. IF we wind up in divorce court, we STILL have an obligation to those kids, so there's no down side to reducing the negativity.
