My situation #9

[steady]

Yeah JDollie...detaching is a process and sometimes I find it quite hard to do (Mon & Tue this week were very rough), and other times it seems to come easy.

It's funny you mentioned saying W, I used abreviations in my IC session all the time. Last night I said WAS to my therapist. Was funny when I saw it come out.

One of the insights I talked to my C about was how I spent so many years 'hiding' myself from people. It became and issue with my W when I wasn't honest with her on a few things. Some charges I made on a credit card, and that I was chewing nicotine gum. They weren't big deals but I wasn't upfront about them - actually lied at first. But I see that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my fear that if people really knew me they wouldn't like me.

In the past two days I made the decision that I wasn't going to hide anymore. I want to be authentically me and that's good enough.

Another thing we talked about was if my W turned around and reversed course I would actually be hesitant to jump right back in. She has alot of hoops she would have to jump through - quit drinking, work on the issues she carried into the marriage and a few other things. My C said at this point she wouldn't want to see it reverse course....based on how my W is and she said my W has a personality disorder. The C commented that she was glad that I was taking a realistic view of my W and this whole sitch.

She also asked me how much hope I have that my W will change her mind. I said that I think I will always have some glimmer of hope in me, but realistically I say it may happen or it may not. I explained that I can't predict the future and no one can so I'm leaving the outcome in the hands of the future. But of course I do go back and forth on that and sometimes have more of a wish it would change and sometimes less.

I told the C that I always felt like I was emotionally stuck in my childhood somewhere - and talked about how I reacted when W dropped the first bomb - but that I feel the most emotionally mature than I have ever felt because of all the work I did in the past year.

I also told the C that I see that my W and I had a parasitic dimension to our R where we fed off each other. This was an interesting insight.

I also talked about how when I see my mind wandering into the past or the future I keep bringing it back into what I am doing now. And that's helped me tremendously over the past few days.

So that's the scoop. A little talking about my sitch, a little about my W, and a little about me. It was a good session.