stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

Hey, BobbiJo, thanks for posting to me and thank you for your optimism, I really need that.

The dog walking went well. That's about the only thing that did go well. H was very open about his convo with OW and it seemed not to affect him that much. By the time we got home, though, he started changing, got a bit of an alien look and talked MLCish.
Next day - he comes home late again, very alien look, tells me he's going to see IC and wants to start ADs (he stopped taking them in October). He said again, I guess I'm crazy. And he sure looks crazy! Restless, jerky movements, beady eyes. Finally he reaches for a bottle of wine. It relaxes him a bit. Then he starts a R talk.
As I sit there just listening, he tells me stories about OW. How they could be happy together if it wasn't for the "stake in his heart". Sick of it !
He broke NC and came here two weeks ago precisely because he wasn't happy!

He wrote a beautiful poem about betrayal, Love gone and wedding ring lost and showed it to me. I asked him: is your love gone, then?
After a long, long pause, he said: I love you very much. And then he tried to explain his exact feelings. That his heart starts pounding every time he sees me, and then he gets closer and I'm disappearing, like a mirage, and what's left is a stranger he has no feelings for.

Validate THAT!

And then he goes on and on.

That he's afraid to end up in the dark place where he was before MLC started (many of them say that).
That I've done such and such things to hurt his feelings during our M.
That he made a mistake and let OW to control his life and now he's missing the freedom he had with me.
That he's attracted to her sexually and there is nothing he can do about this attraction.
That it's not over yet.

I've told him, I KNOW THAT.

So - another sleepless night.
All the while I was fighting back two words: GO AWAY.
I looked at him and I thought: what am I doing, letting this man sit here in front of me, telling me endless stories about OW an how great she is and how he cannot break free from her, telling me how he doesn't have any desire for me, doesn't enjoy my company, misses only the freedom to do as he pleases (something he cannot have with OW), fears the "empty" feeling he had when we were living together.
I know, I shouldn't give up now, after all he has come a long way and has really taken some serious steps towards reconciliation.

My head is spinning, I didn't have a good night sleep for a few days in a row, but I think I'm pretty much detached.

Of course, I was expecting him to slide back (thanks, BND!) but it's still very hard to take. I think he's not ready, he's still very much in the fog and may stay in the fog for a long, long time. I'm not sure I can take it, watch him struggling with his madness day after day. When I asked, why didn't he leave two days ago when I asked him to, he said: my emotions keep changing.
He admits that he's weak and he's not even ashamed of it anymore.
He's exsausted, miserable, insane.
At the moment I feel like I'm locked in a cage with a large wounded animal, in great pain and therefore very dangerous.
I cannot really DO anything, just watch his movements and listen to his moaning and growling.

This is not life.

I keep asking myself: is this what I want?
Don't I deserve better?
How can I go on when I'm so tempted to end it and have some rest and start living for ME only?

Sorry about all that complaining, just needed to vent.

(((all)))