Thanks Pearlharbor! I actually do enjoy walking alone and do it quite frequently also! Also go to the gym and beach alone...but still really missing the compansionship of my H. I totally agree that walking would have been a great diversion from my "spying" tactics!
H always says that I am the "nicest person he knows". Maybe being "nice" isn't all it is cracked up to be? Maybe I need to be a little *itchy sometimes.
Thanks for your thoughts! I hope all is well with you. Best, Abby
I would agree that nice isn't always what it's cracked up to be. I'm not advocating turning into a stark raving b!tch, just having a backbone and standing up for oneself. (I am definitely a b!tch at times but it's helped me through some tough times. Working on keeping it to a minimum.)
I'm glad to hear you do enjoy activities alone. I was talking to a girlfriend who lives in another city about going to a concert. She said it's coming to her city too but she doesn't have anyone to go with. My response, so what? It's a concert, not like you're going to talk to anyone while it's going on. I hate it when people give up things they really want to do because they won't go alone. All throughout my R I went to things by myself if xBF didn't want to go. I understood that we had different interests but I wasn't willing to give mine up. I did try to find others to go to the theatre with me, but I didn't find anyone so I got my own subscription.
Ok, getting off my soapbox since I'm preaching to the choir.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Just reread your post and it is very helpful. You rock!! Just met with a therapist for the first time EVER in my life. Was interesting but not all that enlightening. I think I get more from this forum that I got from her! She agreed that H is probably in MLC (although she said it was late at 50?). Who knows! She did confirm that it sounds like H is avoiding me (duh!). Not sure if it is worth the $75/session but I feel like I am at least taking some action...doing something for me!
Have a fantastic and peaceful day and thanks again for your thoughts.
I just wanted to stop in and let you know that I'm thinking about you today. I'm glad you saw the C...maybe next time she'll have more insight to share. The most important s really to keep doing something for you.
I'll check on you this afternoon.
Love to you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Just stopping by and reading through your thread. There's a lot her, but just giving you some quick thoughts. First off, my sitch does not involve an OM, so I can't comment on that roller coaster.
I had much more time to prepare my mind for my current sitch - 12 months of MC/IC before the bomb. I didn't trying any DBing until the bomb, which was somewhat successful in making my W sit up and take notice, but unfortunately, she checked out long ago. The first few months are torturous and plays havoc with your mind. That's where GALing comes in - do it for yourself!
Detaching is essential, especially for the LBS and those married as long as you. My DB coach recommended me read "co-dependence no more", which deals with unhealthy relationships when one person becomes more centered on another person. It was very eye-opening to me and may be for you - as you mentioned that your life has focused on your H and M for so long. It also has a excellent chapter on detaching. I downloaded my book (either audible.com or itunes) and have listed to it 3 or 4 times.
Just one more comment before I go. I used to feel the same way as you about competing with someone else - in my mind it's not now, but with whoever my W ends up with. I was a chubby hubby, 49, bald and lower self esteem. Now, I am in shape (lost 30 lbs.), still bald, but more of a shaved head, and I'm starting to like it, and feel more self love and self respect that I ever have. I still have some thoughts about "competing" with who my wife ends up with compared to who I end up with, but it's diminishing. You CAN "compete" with anyone, but really don't have to. Be a fabulous YOU and if your H doesn't want to get in front of the line, you will eventually pass him up. It will be his loss.
{{{Abby}}} Pearl is right, we all totally backslide and, as I was reading your story, here's one I did. One week my hub was working late like EVERY night during that week (and this was a few months into my sitch, knew all about the OW and all that), so one night I decided that he HAD to be at her apartment. So, I got in my car, stopped at Starbucks first tho to get myself something to drink LOL, and sat there and waited..and he wasn't there with her..LOL..and I felt like you did..like why did I waste my time..BUT I just wanted you to know we've all done it!
I'm glad you do stuff alone that is GREAT and just hang in there and know that YOU are fantastic and that whatever is going on with your hub has VERY little, if anything, to do with you
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Hi, You all are great and much comfort! Even anonymously strange as it seems. Since I can't tell anyone what is going on...you all are a great source of support and wisdom.
I thought I would let you all know I spoke with DB coach today. Very interesting......
Things she said I should do as the LBS (although not quite left behind yet since H still lives here!)
1) Create passion (not in bedroom, but flirt outside the home and in other rooms so as not to appear nurturing...mother-like). Makes sense.
2) GAL (yeah...I get it. I just need to get working on that - have been meaning to pick up that guitar for years).
3) Stop the need to get a hug and kiss before H leaves in the morning. (clingy...I know but I can't help myself). Working on that!
4) Dress younger. (Working on that too. Heals, dresses, etc. I have lost 25 lbs. so feel a bit better about myself - 5'9 140lb. 10 lb to go!
5) Feel my sexual side (Working on that....shy gal and pta mom. I guess I need to work on being a "cougar") ha ha.
6) Don't initiate sex in the bedroom. Boring! (Dang)
Anyway...I thought these were all some interesting suggestions for a gal who is trying to woo back her H from OW after 20 years of M. What are your thoughts?
I think the advice is great! Do your best to follow it. But, don't get down on yourself if you miss some opportunities.
One of the best things I did in trying to follow the advice was post the experiences here. I would post and then people would tell me what I could have done better for next time. I learned a lot that way!
We'll help where we can...Hang tough!!!
Love to you. Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Hi Abby, I haven't forgotten you, but have had computer problems. So, I have read your thread to catch up. One thing I want to mention that I see so often in people's posts is the fact that their H's who are involved in an A or MLC will usually do the opposite of what you "think" they are going to do. For an example, when you went to the OW's house expecting to find your H's car there. Then you beat yourself up b/c you blamed yourself for being so bad and your darling H even went by SBucks to by you something! Well, who knows, he may have called OW and something did not pan out for them to see each other at that time, and so he just went to SB's as a second thought.......so stop beating yourself down in the ground. That has got to be your number one goal. You must show yourself as a self-confident woman who is strong in her own right and her identity does not depend upon her H.
Everything is all about him, in his mind. It you will notice more and more how he will blame EVERYTHING on you. But don't take it, b/c it is not your fault, he is just good at making you feel guilty about anything that goes wrong. You have got to learn to be a fighter. I don't mean get into verbal or physical fights with him, but fight for who you are and what you are. Who would you be without your H? What kind of person are you? How would you describe yourself? You see, you need to have that identity for yourself and fight for it as a means of survival.
It just kills me the way he expected you to iniate sex after you were gone four days. Why didn't he? Besides, how do you know when he is going to decide to sleep in the same be with you or not? I don't blame you, I would not have done it either. But, see, it is all about him and even though he is probably sleeping with another woman, he thought it was your place to iniate sex with him. How arrogant!
Be true to yourself and don't do anything you don't feel is right. Get your focus off of him (even though he thinks your focus should be on him 24/7) and start thinking about what you would like to do with your life and what you enjoy doing that you have stopped doing since you've been married with children.
I can tell you that the more you focus on your H, the more it is going to eat you up alive. Get involved in aa class or hobby or something that will help you to get out of that house and away from him. Yes, reading the self help books and M books will help, but you need fun things at this period in your life also, so look for those things. Make new friends and try things you have not done before. Don't let other people intimiate you. I have worked with educators for many years and have found out that they just have a degree.....but it doesn't make them any smarter or better than me. Usually, if they get outside of that realm of their degree, they are as lost as a puppy. While most of us have had to learn to be an all-around person who knows a little bit about almost everything. So, it doesn't bother me if they have all types of degress if they can't even figure out how to run a copier at the office!
Don't let age bother you either. I know that is hard, but just look at what is available for women now. Besides, I really don't think that number holds that much meaning to the opposite person in the picture like it does you. If you make the very most of what you can do with yourself, you will feel good about it and it will show, and that will make a tremdous difference in you. So, go to work on yourself and get your eyes off of him. Follow that list I gave you and I can promise you that you will see a big difference if you stick to it.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
