I'm just going to hug him and tell him I'm appreciative of his decision to stay in the house, no matter his intention, etc.
you posted this on SMW's
I have no idea about your sitch, and where your H is in his path, but I'm not sure that hugging him would be the appropriate thing to do. Unless, touching is one of his top 5LLs. Or if perhaps this would be a 180 for you. Certain things like hugging, or saying ILY, I think can be read as pressure. So just wanted to mention that.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm just going to hug him and tell him I'm appreciative of his decision to stay in the house, no matter his intention, etc.
you posted this on SMW's
I have no idea about your sitch, and where your H is in his path, but I'm not sure that hugging him would be the appropriate thing to do. Unless, touching is one of his top 5LLs. Or if perhaps this would be a 180 for you. Certain things like hugging, or saying ILY, I think can be read as pressure. So just wanted to mention that.
and please MB..post and let us know how that was received..
Well, I did NOT hug him and express my appreciation... I decided it didn't really sound like me. Wasn't natural to me. I would do/say something to him like that, just not in that way, and not out of the blue.
He would be okay with a hug.
However, I did take some advice from the Light His Fire book, and compliment him; make him feel good about himself. Our S11 tested into Honors Geometry for next year (7th grade), and I told him about it tonight. Later this evening, he came in to tell me goodbye, and I told him I was just thinking about what a great math mind he has. How he can figure out the most difficult combination's of numbers, problems, etc... in him mind, without a calculator or paper is really a gift.
He said, "Well, W, it does come easy to me. Just like you know where to put commas, what the parts of sentences are, and exactly what tense of word to use, without thinking!"
Funny... I feel like this weekend, and tonight, the fog might be lifting ever so slightly. He's starting to reach out to a few old friends, and checking in with some of his family members (told me in a backwards, round-about way. If I asked him about his distance over this past year, he had kind of pushed it aside, with a comment about not having enough time for us, let alone them... And, he's more engaging. Looking around the house for me, to see if I want to watch American Idol with him tonight, when he would usually spend most of his time (when he's in town during the week) in the kids room's, his office, etc... He gets very little sleep during the week, so once we had watched it (on DVR), he asked if I wanted to watch the results show, too. I told him to go ahead and take a nap or something. I knew he was tired, and was going to be awake until the early am, once he left tonight. He said, "No, I'd rather do this. I'll just have a Diet Mountain Dew instead of a nap."
So, with this hint of hope, and my stepping back, just a bit again, and doing my own thing, (A friend of ours owns a very successful indoor sports facility, had to make some management changes today-off-site, and asked me to go in, in their absence, and handle changing email passwords, forwarding to new addresses, creating new logins to their accounting system, etc... and being a solid presence while the locks to the building were changed. I think H admires my ability to be able to do something he knows nothing about. He wanted to know all about what I needed to do for them today.) I didn't want to say anything unnatural to me, that hinted at pressure, and back him off.
Detaching. Well, I didn't think about him at all from 9-3 (busy!), and I didn't contact him, except to see what time he'd be home to prepare dinner (around sports activities), and hung up promptly after giving my answer. Not sure that's detaching, or not. But, it's definitely not pursuing!
Be good, all.
I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!!! Even if I hate your words sometimes! LOL
ST - Any helpful hints on how you MADE IT? I think I'll read your threads!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think you can say that going that route is not "cheeseless" right?
Since all situations are different, you should keep an eye on this one and see if it works or not.
Stay cool.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I was awake from midnight through 4am because I rolled over on the ceiling fan remote, turned it on, and it wouldn't turn off! Sh*t! I was up in the middle of the night popping circuits to turn it off, unscrewing the light bulbs (yes the light was on, too!), etc... I called H (he was up all night driving) to see what the heck to do? This haunted ceiling fan won't turn off. H says, "W, maybe the battery is dead?" LOL I checked. Replaced it. Txt'd him back, and said... "Brilliance!" God! Blonde!
So, how's that for being cool! (After reading the Five LL's, I have finally realized that H likes to feel needed.) Good thing I'm blonde, and need some guidance a fair amount of the time!
Good God! I can automate high through-put screening labs in drug discovery labs with sophisticated instruments, robotics and software, and can't shut off a CEILING FAN!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think you're missing the bigger picture. Didn't you turn something on and (un)screw something in the bedroom? I could have sworn that was something on your goal list
AJ
P.S. I hope that brought a smile to your face! It was meant to.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Good God! I can automate high through-put screening labs in drug discovery labs with sophisticated instruments, robotics and software, and can't shut off a CEILING FAN
wow, what is it that you do? Or what is your profession? sounds very complicated!
well, I'm very glad you read the 5LLs, that will help you much. Have you read For Women Only? you definitely have to read it. Other than that, w/o knowing your total story, I am guessing that you need to start loving yourself, and liking yourself, and enjoying your life again. Do not rely on your H for your Happiness as that is between you and God. And just because something feels unnatural doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You need to do 180s. If you guys are great friends right now, that is really really good. the intimacy will come, and if this is a 180, then I suggest you be forward sometime and initiate some kind of touch. It doesn't have to be ML, but it could be a back rub, or just anything. BUT, you cannot whatsoever have any expectations, and you cannot let any rejection dissappoint you (or let him see the dissappointment) even if he rejects you, it doesn't mean it's a bad thing, he's just still confused, but what he will see is a woman who is confident about herself and forward behind closed doors, and that is what a man wants. Confidence surpasses beauty ultimately. A soso looking girl who feels great about herself and presents herself well, will be better received than a great looking girl who thinks nothing of herself. IMHO that is, and from what I've experienced and read.
So, to me, it sounds like you have a lot of hope to have a wonderful M.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
First, I automate processes in research labs of pharmaceutical companies, drug discover labs within universities, and government labs. (whoa!)
You know, it's funny... initially, after "the bomb" I tried a few times to reach out to him, with NO LUCK. But, at the time, I was doing everything as wrong as you can do it (DB'ing wise) Since then, we've had a few pretty serious set-backs, and that's what led me here. I am happy about the results of how far we've come (since I started DB'ing), but have come to realize that I feel paralyzed to reach out to him physically. I'm so afraid of the rejection, and feel like our "intimacy" is becoming a more distant and distant memory. It's heartbreaking.
Positive signals I get from lately... seeking me out when he's home, a different, more loving tone when he talks to me, and a certain "way" he talks to me when he feels good about me/us. And, we have always kissed and hugged hello and goodbye (except for a two week time prior prior to and right after I started DB'ing), however, I do notice he now seeks me out when he gets home to hug and kiss me hello, instead of yelling hi, or saying it across the room, and going to see the kids.
I used to be confident, but feel like it's pretty shattered by now. How to find it again? That's the question.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
hmmm. you know what's wierd is that me and my H have never done that. the kissing/hugging thing. Sometimes I think we are still messed up in the head!! lol
So, if he's being that open with you on those things, I think this is a great time to be forward! Why don't you just try it once and see what happens. But psych yourself up, and prepare yourself. Expect him to reject you (I know this isn't acting as if, but I want you to prepare) and have a plan for when he does. Like your acting out a play or something. And I want you to say something complimentary... and you can just start out by giving him a shoulder rub. Have you done anything like that yet? It is a great start. You can say, hey, come here for a sec, and just start rubbing, and you could give a compliment about how strong his shoulders feel or whatever. Most likely he will not reject a shoulder rub, but even if he does, if your expecting it like your reading a script, then you'll know what to do afterwards...which would be, ooooh, your gonna miss out! you know how crafty these hands can be! and then just walk out the room with a sly look on your face... and then distract yourself quickly!
that's just MHO. I remember during my sitch, for some reason I was the opposite of most women here and couldn't stand NOT to touch my H. I mean I was pulled to him so drastically (fyi, that was after the 2 week depression and losing 10 lbs and then still a month later after recouping). I mean, I was so extremely turned on by him, and I'm sure it was because he had become something that I couldn't have. So, I wasn't on him all the time, but there were a few occassions where I was, and I know it helped. Even when he said no he shouldn't. Because one, it's an ego boost, and 2, he sees me being confident, something I definitely hadn't been for several years.
Now, if you were the one who always initiated in the bedroom, then this isn't really a 180, but in most cases, it's not the woman initiating, so I'm judging by that.
oh, and you find your confidence by GALing. You do not look for self worth from what your H says or acts. Your self worth truly comes from God and you.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
