Hi Abby, I haven't forgotten you, but have had computer problems. So, I have read your thread to catch up. One thing I want to mention that I see so often in people's posts is the fact that their H's who are involved in an A or MLC will usually do the opposite of what you "think" they are going to do. For an example, when you went to the OW's house expecting to find your H's car there. Then you beat yourself up b/c you blamed yourself for being so bad and your darling H even went by SBucks to by you something! Well, who knows, he may have called OW and something did not pan out for them to see each other at that time, and so he just went to SB's as a second thought.......so stop beating yourself down in the ground. That has got to be your number one goal. You must show yourself as a self-confident woman who is strong in her own right and her identity does not depend upon her H.
Everything is all about him, in his mind. It you will notice more and more how he will blame EVERYTHING on you. But don't take it, b/c it is not your fault, he is just good at making you feel guilty about anything that goes wrong. You have got to learn to be a fighter. I don't mean get into verbal or physical fights with him, but fight for who you are and what you are. Who would you be without your H? What kind of person are you? How would you describe yourself? You see, you need to have that identity for yourself and fight for it as a means of survival.
It just kills me the way he expected you to iniate sex after you were gone four days. Why didn't he? Besides, how do you know when he is going to decide to sleep in the same be with you or not? I don't blame you, I would not have done it either. But, see, it is all about him and even though he is probably sleeping with another woman, he thought it was your place to iniate sex with him. How arrogant!
Be true to yourself and don't do anything you don't feel is right. Get your focus off of him (even though he thinks your focus should be on him 24/7) and start thinking about what you would like to do with your life and what you enjoy doing that you have stopped doing since you've been married with children.
I can tell you that the more you focus on your H, the more it is going to eat you up alive. Get involved in aa class or hobby or something that will help you to get out of that house and away from him. Yes, reading the self help books and M books will help, but you need fun things at this period in your life also, so look for those things. Make new friends and try things you have not done before. Don't let other people intimiate you. I have worked with educators for many years and have found out that they just have a degree.....but it doesn't make them any smarter or better than me. Usually, if they get outside of that realm of their degree, they are as lost as a puppy. While most of us have had to learn to be an all-around person who knows a little bit about almost everything. So, it doesn't bother me if they have all types of degress if they can't even figure out how to run a copier at the office!
Don't let age bother you either. I know that is hard, but just look at what is available for women now. Besides, I really don't think that number holds that much meaning to the opposite person in the picture like it does you. If you make the very most of what you can do with yourself, you will feel good about it and it will show, and that will make a tremdous difference in you. So, go to work on yourself and get your eyes off of him. Follow that list I gave you and I can promise you that you will see a big difference if you stick to it.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
