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[steady]

25, Thanks again for keeping it real with me. I am DBing now, I am staying calm, trying to be patient (and doing so right now), working on myself.

OK. Keep holding onto that. You will move up and down but keep your eye on the ball.

And I have done lots of inward searching about my role and I take most of the blame for this whole mess we are in. I caused her to feel the way she felt and caused her to be empty and fill that need elsewhere.

You didn't cause her to feel any way. She allowed that to happen to herself. She has a role in this too. It takes two to make a marriage work, and two to crumble it. Be responsible and own what YOU did, but don't own what she did. She is not an innocent victim in all of this.

Now she was wrong for going outside the M for that, but I understand the "why" and how I affected that. We both had a hand in it, but I know from the bottom of my heart had I not neglected her feelings and been emotionally absent and sometimes cruel, she would have been by my side forever.

Yes you neglected her. Everyone who is here has done the same thing. Forgive yourself and CHANGE YOURSELF. Sorry is just a word - it has to be backed up with change otherwise it has no meaning whatsoever.

I still believe that someday she will be again, but nonetheless I have to work on me for me and make her realize I am still the person she loved and will become even better.

Drop all of this. Drop it as fast as you can. You are setting up expectations and that sets you up for a drop. You have to get yourself to a point where it doesn't matter what the outcome is.

Your hope that things will work out and the appearance of it working out will cause you to become lazy about detaching. Go read that thread which I linked in one of my earlier posts. When things look like they are going well you get a false sense of detachment - it is not real, and you will know it when things head south.

I'll say it again: DETACH

and make her realize I am still the person she loved and will become even better.

Now here's a 2x4:
You are contradicting yourself. I understand because I did the same thing. Don't work on you for you so you will somehow change your W's mind and save your M.

Work on you for you and leave the rest of the cr@p in the toilet. This is you trying to control the situation by putting on the illusion that you are working on you for you - but hidden in there is - so I can save my M. Drop the control. You have none - it is only an illusion.

And if she doesn't realize it, someone else will. That is a hard thing to think about, but I do realize that at some point if this doesn't work out, then I will move on with my life and be better for it.

Do you really believe this? I mean, in your bones? Until it reaches there it is only words and a goal.

I am really grateful that I stumbled onto this site and met all of you. I don't relish the reasons we are all together, but I do thank God for meeting all of you every night.

Yes I feel the same way. I have met some of the most giving and selfless people in my life here at this board. Gratitude is a great thing. Shine it into your life and it will do wonders for you.

I texted her back and said that it was fine. I then texted her again (2x4?) and told her that I appreciated her telling me that but it doesn't matter anymore because I am not going to look at her phone records. I am going to trust her and said that I doubt she believes me because I have given her no reason to trust that based on me freaking out and checking everything and then calling her out on it. But I said that all I can do is start over and try to earn back that trust over time. I also told her that I know my actions and words have differed on my trying to change and be a better me and I said that will change now in that the words and actions will be united. Lastly I said that I appreciated her going to counseling and doing what she can.

You can bring out the 2x4's on that, but it was sincere and I don't feel like I was being pushy or pursuing. But you guys are better judges on this than me. Swing away!

Batter Up!

In bold - Don't tell her how you have changed. Just show her the changes. Believe me, she is watching you. Watching you all the time. Telling her you are changing is just pursuing. Yes, it is exactly that.

"Hey, look at me. I'm changing. Do you notice? Doesn't it want to make you want to be with me?" I think you get the point.

I said that will change now in that the words and actions will be united.

Don't say this again. And I'll tell you why - your actions in words will not ALWAYS match up - I'll guarantee that. Any behavior that you show that reminds her of the old you will be logged into her memory. You will backslide, the question is how much and how often. We all do.

Don't bring up your past behavior. You are re-shining a light on it and reminding her of why she thought about leaving you. I will guarantee she knows exactly what your past behavior was. She will have convoluted it too - embelished, changed, added to it, combining two different incidences into one...it's script.

I can make the assumption that you have already apologized for your past behavior - and probably on many occasions. Don't tell her what it was and how you're changing it - that's pursuing.

Now just change the behaviors.

She will notice any changes. She doesn't need you to remind her of the past and if you change for real, she won't need you to point the changes out to her.

DETACH.