You don't need to be "mean," you don't need to be "cold," and you don't need to be "harsh." You need to be some female equivalent of Sgt. Joe Friday, of "Dragnet" fame:
JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM.
If you can't pull that off, then yes, I suggest you don't talk to him at all.
You're still seeking validation from a man who is openly cheating on you, and betraying you. Forget what that says about HIM for the time being; what does it say about YOU at this stage?
A: you need to be working on YOU.
If this were me, then yes, I would want my wife to know, but more out of some combination of a sense of personal accomplishment, and some "nyah-nyah, I told you I could do this!"
Quote:
Just because he's messed up doesn't mean that has to change who I am.
No, it doesn't. It just means you have to change how you RELATE TO HIM, at least for the time being.
If you haven't already done so, read some of Hopeful4Her's threads. He too has been at a crossroads between two really, distinct paths and strategies:
1) Do you want to save your marriage?
2) Do you want to END your marriage, but save your friendship with your spouse?
It's a very profound pair of questions that everyone on these boards would be wise to consider strongly. Because -- as you're learning -- the strategies and tactics for #2 are very different than they are for #1.
If it makes you feel better, the things required for #1 in the way of "detachment" do NOT have to be permanent. In fact, they won't be. Yes, a betrayed spouse should hopefully emerge from this mess a stronger, healthier, non-enmeshed individual. But there WILL come a time for a loving rapprochement with your husband.
I don't know what to tell you other than to say you need to figure out how you can stay in this mode. It's not that you can't have a slip-up, or two, or even three. But you can't have TEN, not if you want to bust the affair and DB your marriage. You are in the critical period where -- having stood up to him -- he's going to test you to see if it "sticks." And he DESPERATELY is going to want to "normalize" the affair as much as possible, and make sure YOU are okay with the way he is now.
You have to simultaneously convey a sense of "I'M okay, but I'm not at ALL okay with what you're doing!"
I know you are right, and I can feel it after I do these things and I think to myself "What the heck am I doing????"
So I've had probably 2 slip ups now. Or so I feel.
I know he wants to "normalize". I know this. He's famous for that too - he ALWAYS wants to be the "good guy" and can't stand it when someone thinks he isn't.
I will pray about it tonight.
Thanks
Last edited by Belle; 03/13/0903:18 AM.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
