Kevin, Let me give you a real life example from me over the past couple of months - you've been pretty well beaten up here, and deservedly so...
I did everything W wanted for 2.5 years. She moved out, started making decisions for the kids, making plans for D8's haircut and earrings, where they were going to school, going to Europe some day, etc. I was afraid to say anything to her for fear of making her mad or her ending the marriage.
This past Christmas I stood up to her. It was VERY hard - she lost it, and went off on me. Then on New Year's Eve - mostly over time with the kids, again, she flipped out and yelled. Then, she tried to push me around on some money, etc.
Then I stood up to her on the affair. Then just other stuff. I made sure it was worth standing up, and I stood up, and I didn't flinch - even when she walked up to me, leaned over, and whispered in my hear, "I HATE you."
I was firm, but fair. I didn't yell, I didn't fight. She started yelling in front of the kids one time - I simply said, "Not in front of the kids" about 8 times, and she finally left. S6 commented on it later.
Then I decided that the affair was enough. I went dark for a solid month - she started out nasty, then started texting me, sending phone pics. And so on.
It all culminated in a call yesterday - AFTER I had sent her an ultimatum informing her I was filing divorce because she was continuing her affair. She was crying, and poured out her heart to me over D8 getting her feelings hurt - she was IMPLORING me to consider where I send them to school. She talked about me going to a private school, and how smart I was, etc.
It was the most respectful thing I think she's done in almost three years - she called me, shared her feelings, was vulnerable, and respected my opinion. She asked me about MY decision on where the kids would go to school.
My point is - even though she is hell-bent on divorce, she has gone from hating my guts, to calling me to share her feelings, and allow herself to be vulnerable to me - I lived outside her wall for those 2.5 years. I did everything she could have wanted, and NEVER got inside her walls. I stand up to her, and was strong and firm for 2 months, and she opens up. We are going to end up divorced, but she'll regret is someday.
Doesn't make sense, does it? I'm not saying be a butt, or try to bulldoze over her.
You know - your W isn't my W, but I'll tell you something - you will NEVER have a chance to earn her back, EVER, if you don't become someone worthy of respect.
I see you - I know what you are right now, and you don't even respect yourself.
