Divorce looming #6

[K4D]

Well,

6 breaks through.

Wow, 25 was really right. I have made a huge mess of things. I have got to start sticking to my plans and not backing out when it gets tough.

Geez, I have become truly pathetic.

But, I can start today to just sticking to stuff no matter what the outcome.

Otherwise, I will never have a chance at my M or remarriage again with my W.

Can anyone tell me how to add my past threads?

Kevin

[K4D]

Well,

Job didn't pan out. Back to studying.

Kevin

[K4D]

The A might be starting to die off some. W told me she is flying out to Jacksonville, Fl by herself at the end of April where we used to live. She is talking about possibly moving there in a year or 2.

I said I would come to Dallas to watch the kids while she is there. She said she doesn't want me showing up in Jacksonville while she is there. I said I won't. She said she doesn't believe me. I said she will see.

This would be excellent news if I can keep control of myself.

Kevin

[K4D]

W has me flying out to Dallas to see the kids April 30th til May 4th. It will be the weekend after she takes her own trip. I will spend most of the time with the kids. She said I won't hardly see her as she will stay at her moms that weekend. She said we might spend a couple of hours together at most. I said ok.

She did say that she has noticed that I have been respecting her boundaries. Thats good. But she still doesn't want much to do with me. I guess it takes a long time.

How often do yall see your WAS when separated or even divorced for that matter? Is it normal to go months without seeing them other than maybe a couple of hours because they don't want to see you?

I have my last session with my DB coach set for this coming Monday.

Kevin

[LR1]

I see mine almost everyday, but I think that makes it harder on me in reality. We don't spend quality time together ever, its mainly just tag teaming the kids needs like activities, dinner, playtime, bed. I actually go over to the house 4 nights per week for that and then the other 3 are for me but I usually end up seeing her on 2 of those since she comes by work now.

Keep up the studying and working on you. Keep the PMA too.

[MrBond]

Kevin,

I think you've gotten so used to your W controlling you that it comes out without knowing. Comments like...

"W has me flying out to Dallas to see the kids April 30th til May 4th."

No SHE doesn't have you flying out. Say instead, YOU ARE GOING to see the kids April 30-May 4.

"She said we might spend a couple of hours together at most. I said ok."

No. YOU decide if you even want to see her. Rather that just saying 'ok', you should've said "We'll see, it depends what I have planned." See?

Turn that stuff around on her. Put your foot down and have things going in your direction.

As far as the S goes. When my W and I were physically S, we only saw each other 3 minutes a day when she would drop off my D's and maybe spending the weekends together with the kids.

Personally, if I were in your sitch, I would see my W as little as possible on MY terms. Can you swing getting a hotel? If you could, you could tell her to drop the kids off at a certain time so that you could play with them on your own. Get out from under the shadow of your W and your in-laws. I wouldn't see any of them. Do this all yourself.

[25yearsmlc]

stuck,

have you read Kev's posts and history? His w has asked him to respect her boundaries and he won't. He has not kept one single promise for more than a few days, if that. He doesn't stick to a plan and he takes polls to see if he should change his mind again. He does whatever feels least painful at that moment, not unlike a teenage boy. His w needs to see him act like a man.

Sometimes that means restraint and keeping your word. Sometimes it means staying the course (any well thought out course...) and to stop obsessing. He needs to lose the illusion of control that he thinks he has, (and his wife said he had been acting controlling) and God knows he had been fixating and snooping...so how does your advice do anything but confirm her worst fears about control? Sure he signed a ridiculous agreement...b/c that was the least painful choice at that moment...see? Has he seen a real L in person to check out what his "real" options are? Probably not.

Sorry if this offends. I know diff situations call for diff measures and your approach may have worked wonders in your situation and maybe it lead you to grow and reconcile...I don't know b/c I don't know your sitch and cannot tell much by your signature. I just don't know.

But I do know Kev needs to make sensible choices that are the result of maturely thought out decisions. Not reactive ones. Which is what most of the choices he's made have been.

I stand by my earlier posts.

(( j ))

[davidswife]

Kevin,

"If I can keep control of myself".

WTH - "If" - are you 13 or are you a grown man? If you decide to be in control of yourself, you will be.

Stop being weak, grow up, man up. This is why she doesn't respect you - with women, love and respect are closely linked.

Otherwise, what MLC said.

Good grief.

[JDOllie]

Kevin,
Let me give you a real life example from me over the past couple of months - you've been pretty well beaten up here, and deservedly so...

I did everything W wanted for 2.5 years. She moved out, started making decisions for the kids, making plans for D8's haircut and earrings, where they were going to school, going to Europe some day, etc. I was afraid to say anything to her for fear of making her mad or her ending the marriage.

This past Christmas I stood up to her. It was VERY hard - she lost it, and went off on me. Then on New Year's Eve - mostly over time with the kids, again, she flipped out and yelled. Then, she tried to push me around on some money, etc.

Then I stood up to her on the affair. Then just other stuff. I made sure it was worth standing up, and I stood up, and I didn't flinch - even when she walked up to me, leaned over, and whispered in my hear, "I HATE you."

I was firm, but fair. I didn't yell, I didn't fight. She started yelling in front of the kids one time - I simply said, "Not in front of the kids" about 8 times, and she finally left. S6 commented on it later.

Then I decided that the affair was enough. I went dark for a solid month - she started out nasty, then started texting me, sending phone pics. And so on.

It all culminated in a call yesterday - AFTER I had sent her an ultimatum informing her I was filing divorce because she was continuing her affair. She was crying, and poured out her heart to me over D8 getting her feelings hurt - she was IMPLORING me to consider where I send them to school. She talked about me going to a private school, and how smart I was, etc.

It was the most respectful thing I think she's done in almost three years - she called me, shared her feelings, was vulnerable, and respected my opinion. She asked me about MY decision on where the kids would go to school.

My point is - even though she is hell-bent on divorce, she has gone from hating my guts, to calling me to share her feelings, and allow herself to be vulnerable to me - I lived outside her wall for those 2.5 years. I did everything she could have wanted, and NEVER got inside her walls. I stand up to her, and was strong and firm for 2 months, and she opens up. We are going to end up divorced, but she'll regret is someday.

Doesn't make sense, does it? I'm not saying be a butt, or try to bulldoze over her.

You know - your W isn't my W, but I'll tell you something - you will NEVER have a chance to earn her back, EVER, if you don't become someone worthy of respect.

I see you - I know what you are right now, and you don't even respect yourself.

Become that man!

[MrBond]

Hi 25. Not a problem at all.

I've been following Kevin's sitch since the beginning.

You are right in terms of his going back and forth and much of it is based on what his W wants.

The point of my last post was actually in accordance to what you've been saying in that HE needs to be the one to make the decisions. That's why there was just a small change in his thinking through the dialogue that I was trying to point out.

We both know it comes down to his kids. Everything else she has direct control of - house, finances, etc. So he can control his own destiny (and I think he's coming around) by working someplace small in the same area so he can see his kids.

I don't consider his W in the equation. It's all up to him as you've stated and to stick with it. And right now he needs a goal to focus on which I think is his kids. How he reaches that goal is up to him.