alien invasion II

[BeingMe]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Hmama! I know how you feel, but you know, if you have your health, and some part of your daughter and a job ... see, you have so much for which to be grateful (and I am sure you can add to this list). From a spiritual point of view, you know that Someone is carrying you. He is always there for you. I am starting (only just starting, for my faith is very small, and I am going to need gargantuan sized faith in the future) to learn that there are some things ... actually many things ... we just don't have control over whether you are tired or not. I have a personal story to tell you, and please understand that I am not judging you in any way or saying "ha ha, I have it worse than you."

I wish no sympathy for myself (I feel it more so for my family and I have no wish to belittle your pain, because I have felt that particular pain myself ... I just want to give you some perspective). What I am tired of is having this tumour in my brain. Just a few months ago, everything seemed fine ... I was excited about starting school, things were improving some in my M, I just had my D21 visit with grand-daughter, D16 was doing excellent, S21 the same, and I was about to go on a trip to St. Louis for a week to visit D28 and other grand-kids (which didn't happen then). My life was becoming the life I always wanted. But, Aug. 11 everything changed. I had my first seizure and I sure got tired of those. I had an op on Feb. 2 '09 to remove a tumour (a bad one) and the seizures seem to be gone now, thank goodness. But, now that I know the nature of this tumour, I think "wow, I would rather just have seizures than this." But, I have no control over this. I just have to put my trust in God, in the prayers of friends and family, the medical team, and hope that I can be cured or, at least, have my life lengthened until my D16 is in her twenties, even her thirties. Still, I have my treatment to look forward to as well and I have no idea what that is going to be like.

I have only spoken about this on the DB site on my own thread ... good way to just reduce stress. But, I felt in your case, especially that you were a caregiving/spiritual helper, it might help you find the source of who you really are. Don't let your situation control you, especially your feelings and emotions ... you still have control over that. Take heart, seek out your own soul, nurture it and your faith. Nothing stays the same ... just as you feel things could not get any worse, Heavenly Father may be getting ready to turn it all around. Be ready and watch, or you may miss those blessings (this is a message to myself too, I think).

Yesterday, I was walking to the store (I can no longer drive because of the seizures which I must be 6 months free before getting behind the wheel) and I was saying a little prayer of gratitude that I am able to walk. I feared that it might be a problem after the operation because the surgeon said there might be disabilities and the first thing I did when I was completely awake was test my arms and legs and sighed with relief that they were still working normally. And I walked and the sun was shining and I breathed in the fresh air and was so happy to be alive.

I think Martin Luther King Jr. said "if you can't fly, run, if you can't run, walk, if you can't walk, crawl, but keep moving forward." And I want to add to that, while doing this, do it with as much gratitude and courage as you can. Know that you are a daughter of God and in His eyes, so special and dear to Him. No-one can take that away from you.

I pray that things turn around for you soon.