...and what is WRONG with these people, condoning this kind of behavior when they know it's sinful AND is causing suffering? And these people KNEW me--I was quite visible there when I could be, they knew I did ministry, was a faithful wife and mother. I'm beginning to wonder if H is truly that sociopathic that he can lie that well!
okay, just had to vent for a moment.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
...and what is WRONG with these people, condoning this kind of behavior when they know it's sinful AND is causing suffering? And these people KNEW me--I was quite visible there when I could be, they knew I did ministry, was a faithful wife and mother. I'm beginning to wonder if H is truly that sociopathic that he can lie that well!
I have a feeling that yes, absolutely, he can. And that someday you will learn more about what he told people, and you will be STUNNED.
He's a crafty, deceitful, charming and persuasive one, that F.
I will later today--it's supposed to be in the 60's today! With any luck I'll pay the bill tomorrow. It's been 35 degrees in my house this week. Fortunately, just above freezing so the pipes haven't burst.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I have just spent an hour writing a long and painful post, processing this feeling that I have of having a door suddenly slammed on my life, of denarration (thanks, Theo)--losing the story of my life. And suddenly, as if symbolizing the absurdity of it all, a very strange babelfish translation of previous posts appeared, completely unbidden, and all that I had written was gone somewhere.
I'm just too tired to rewrite. It was just journalling anyway. I'm just too tired in general--tired of being cold, tired of trying to keep my head above water emotionally and financially, tired of trying to regain some control over my life. I miss my daughter and I'm tired of being a part-time mom. I miss my community and it's connection and my friends and my family--which all evaporated without much of a trace. I'm tired of starting my life over again and over again and over again--and 52 is just not a good place to begin again, again. I'm tired of seeing these people happy and thriving--those whose appallingly self-centered choices have resulted in me being here. I'm tired of the crushing loneliness that never leaves. I'm tired of the overwhelming sense of futility I feel. I'm just so tired. I'm not suicidal, don't be alarmed. I'm just very tired.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I'm so sorry to hear this, Hmama! I know how you feel, but you know, if you have your health, and some part of your daughter and a job ... see, you have so much for which to be grateful (and I am sure you can add to this list). From a spiritual point of view, you know that Someone is carrying you. He is always there for you. I am starting (only just starting, for my faith is very small, and I am going to need gargantuan sized faith in the future) to learn that there are some things ... actually many things ... we just don't have control over whether you are tired or not. I have a personal story to tell you, and please understand that I am not judging you in any way or saying "ha ha, I have it worse than you."
I wish no sympathy for myself (I feel it more so for my family and I have no wish to belittle your pain, because I have felt that particular pain myself ... I just want to give you some perspective). What I am tired of is having this tumour in my brain. Just a few months ago, everything seemed fine ... I was excited about starting school, things were improving some in my M, I just had my D21 visit with grand-daughter, D16 was doing excellent, S21 the same, and I was about to go on a trip to St. Louis for a week to visit D28 and other grand-kids (which didn't happen then). My life was becoming the life I always wanted. But, Aug. 11 everything changed. I had my first seizure and I sure got tired of those. I had an op on Feb. 2 '09 to remove a tumour (a bad one) and the seizures seem to be gone now, thank goodness. But, now that I know the nature of this tumour, I think "wow, I would rather just have seizures than this." But, I have no control over this. I just have to put my trust in God, in the prayers of friends and family, the medical team, and hope that I can be cured or, at least, have my life lengthened until my D16 is in her twenties, even her thirties. Still, I have my treatment to look forward to as well and I have no idea what that is going to be like.
I have only spoken about this on the DB site on my own thread ... good way to just reduce stress. But, I felt in your case, especially that you were a caregiving/spiritual helper, it might help you find the source of who you really are. Don't let your situation control you, especially your feelings and emotions ... you still have control over that. Take heart, seek out your own soul, nurture it and your faith. Nothing stays the same ... just as you feel things could not get any worse, Heavenly Father may be getting ready to turn it all around. Be ready and watch, or you may miss those blessings (this is a message to myself too, I think).
Yesterday, I was walking to the store (I can no longer drive because of the seizures which I must be 6 months free before getting behind the wheel) and I was saying a little prayer of gratitude that I am able to walk. I feared that it might be a problem after the operation because the surgeon said there might be disabilities and the first thing I did when I was completely awake was test my arms and legs and sighed with relief that they were still working normally. And I walked and the sun was shining and I breathed in the fresh air and was so happy to be alive.
I think Martin Luther King Jr. said "if you can't fly, run, if you can't run, walk, if you can't walk, crawl, but keep moving forward." And I want to add to that, while doing this, do it with as much gratitude and courage as you can. Know that you are a daughter of God and in His eyes, so special and dear to Him. No-one can take that away from you.
I pray that things turn around for you soon.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm so sorry. I haven't been following many threads these days, and I didn't know. You're right--I do have my health, and that is something to be grateful for. Most days, really, I have the strength to look for the blessings, and I find them. But every now and then I hit the wall, I fall back into grief. And I know this is normal, and I know there will be good days and not-so-good ones. And I know that there will just be days when the grief for all that I have lost--and it is most of my life as I knew it--just has to be dealt with. I just try to push it down and get through each day, because it feels overwhelming at times, but if I don't recognize it and slog thru it I'll never get to the other side. At this point I know that it's a process, not a cliff I'm falling off, so it's not as scary but it is still painful.
I will keep you in my prayers. I'm sure you feel--as I do at times--I'm tired of being told how strong I am; just give me someone to lean on for just a little bit so I don't have to be so strong all the time. And yes, I know I can--and have been--leaning on God. But sometimes it would be nice to have someone with some skin on, too. I wish the same for you.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
