I've heard that a great way to "take a look at" your partner's drinking is to attend an Alanon meeting. You can do this anonymously at first without your W or anyone knowing. It might put a whole new frame on your situation and give you more strength to continue working on the R.
About the sweet, gentle kisses on her back... My H initiates that way, too. I can *sense* when he is timid and testing the waters to see if I'm going to respond. He's sweetly kissing me, but he can end it there without really turning it into an initiation. If I *respond* in the slightest, then he'll continue. The problem is this: He is making me *respond* before he actually goes in for the kill. He is making ME CHOOSE HIM. I hate it. Your wife hates it. If you had good sex on a regular basis, then the sweet approach might not be so annoying. She wants to be CHOSEN. She wants you to be the aggressor.
So difficult, I know. I'm trying to be a vixen when I've been pretty maternal lady my whole life. It's not comfy or natural.
You probably don't feel comfy or natural as a pirate. Schnarch (Passionate Marriage) writes about how we have to push beyond our comfort zone and literally pretend to be what we're trying to achieve. With time and practice, we get less and less uncomfortable and we actually become what we wanted to become. If you haven't picked up PM yet, please do so. It is excellent.
