What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[AFWAW]

1st thread

2nd thread


Ok, last thread locked up. I feel like I may be spending too much time on here but it seems to be one of the few things I am getting comfort from. Not too bad of a day considering my wife has not called and said she wants to come home.

I went and saw my parents for a few hours. My mom kept trying to ram advice down my throat. I politely thanked her and asked that she relax a little bit as I was uptight enough as is. Don't think it helped but hey, I'm trying to stand up for myself. No emails and no phone calls from the wife. It does feel a little better when you don't have to see them or talk to them, I guess. I mean if this is what's going to happen, then I guess that's the best way, right? I did think about her a lot today. I know she has a lot of faults but hey so do I. The thought of having to learn someone else is absolutely frightening. I am still hoping for a miracle. Wondering if I should ignore her if she calls today. I want her to miss me but I don't want her to get used to the idea and look elsewhere if she has not already. I tried what everyone suggested and listened to a little harder music today and read a little bit of Anxious to Please. Wow, it describes me almost perfectly. It's gonna be tough to transition from this but I will give it my all. I honestly think if I had not been this way, then the wife and I never would have been married??? Purely speculation on my part but the wife is pretty reactionary and assertive so I may be right.

Wondering when I'm going to start enjoying the simple things again...

[confusedinpa]

Have you switched music yet?

[AFWAW]

Yep, I stayed away from mushy, slow stuff today and listened to mostly rock and lastest pop stuff. Helped a little but in case you haven't noticed it seems like 98% of songs are about love. So while I have XM radio, I still had to switch stations quite a bit.

[AFWAW]

2) Most wayward spouses -- and nearly ALL wayward women -- have an enabling friend, usually a girlfriend, and maybe more than one that they surround themselves with. Has she cut off or pulled back on her usual relationships with friends and family, and gravitated toward a new small circle like this?

Found this posted by Puppy in someone else's thread. This is my wife--she has a friend that just recently got divorced and according to my wife HATES MEN! She works with her and I have noticed that during the week, my wife is more cold towards me, probably due to the support of this woman. My wife has told me that this woman is looking for a job out of state though. So, if she does and I hope she does quickly, maybe my wife will lose her support system. That would be nice. She also has cut off from her family and my family. She used to call her mom everyday and now maybe 2x a month if that. She has a small group of work friends that she hangs out with. She asked me the other day about our next door neighbors. Apparently, the wife had told my wife that she was considering divorcing her husband. The wife confirmed this with me and said that my wife also had said this, that she wanted to leave me. So, it looks like she tasted the kool-aid and liked it. Only thing, my next door neighbor claims she was just frustrated that day and just venting. She was astonished to learn that my wife not only left me but left my D13 as well. She said she doesn't understand the behavior. My wife asked me the other day if they were staying together as they are moving--I said yes, they are moving together. She kinda shrugged and said I guess they must have worked it out. Now I'm not saying that my next door neighbor had anything to do or any influence on my wife's decision but hey you never know. So to all you people out there, be careful what you say and who you say it to, cause you never know.

If only I can remain dark or unavailable without causing the wife to be reactionary she will miss what she has here and attempt to make her way home. Unfortunately for me, my wife's actions are based on from my perspective emotion and not logic. Any thoughts and or suggestions? How many days do you ignore phone calls if there is no message left?

[spellfire]

I feel like I may be spending too much time on here but it seems to be one of the few things I am getting comfort from.

Right now it's hard on you, so use whatever support you can to get by. Don't feel bad about being here a lot, the time will come when you are ready to move on.

I am still here and I have no regrets. It helps me focus on keeping up my changes. There are much worse websites to waste time on, that's for sure.

[AFWAW]

Ok, the wife just called. I let it ring three times and decided to answer. I said hello as pleasantly as possible and asked her what's up? She said I was just calling to see if you're doing ok. I said of course, why wouldn't I be? She said did you have another counseling session today? nope, I said. Are you sure you're doing ok? Yes, why do you ask? I don't know I just wanted to make sure. Ok, I said. I asked, are you ok? She said great. She said well, I thought we were fighting. I said I wasn't aware that we were. She said ok, awesome. I said sounds good, I'll tell D13 that you called, have a good night.

I tried my best to have a PMA. She was confused I think but relieved. Now, this does one of two things: It gets her thinking as to whats going on with me--which I'm hoping(matter of fact I hope she thinks about it for hours) or worse, she is relieved that I'm making things easier talking to her and she can walk away with little guilt like she did me a favor or something.

Talked with a friend who I used to work with(one of those friends she says I didn't have)tonight for about 30 min and he told me that the new stimulus packages has flooded the government sector w/ jobs.

He told me there are quite a few that I would qualify for in Virginia. Hmmmmmm. It takes about 4-6 months to hear something back on these jobs, so I think I found something to do tomorrow at work. He pointed it out to me this way as well. He said, John, if your marriage works out then no big deal, if you get offered a job, you don't have to take it and if your marriage doesn't work out, you get to move, retire from the AF, be away from your ex-wife who you are obviously not comfortable seeing and as a bonus there are a ton of single, beautiful women in VA. Hmmmmmm, the man makes some good arguements.

We also discussed physicology and the art of attracting women and how it all ties in with DB. We are also going to lunch tomorrow. Good conversation.

Ok, I feel a little better. Things could be worse. I have my D13, the house w/ swimming pool, cool car and she took all the bills. I'm trying to stay positive here as hard as it is.

Had a good conversation w/ my D13 too. She was getting pissed about her friends saying stupid stuff. I suggested that she agree with them about whatever they were saying. She said but I don't agree. All the stuff they were talking about was things that didn't really matter like boys, classes being hard, makeup, etc. So I said, look how stressed out you are about stupid stuff. She said yeah, I guess. I said I want you to try something tomorrow. If its stuff like this, agree with everything your friends say. If they say a boy is cute and they want to go talk to him, agree with her and tell her she should go talk to him. If a friend says a class is easy, tell them you agree even if you don't agree. She said what does all this accomplish. I told her it will make her friends easier to tolerate for one because they won't want to argue with her because they know she will always agree. Additionally, if the subject is superficial anyways, my D13 won't have the stress of having to defend her position and she will be less stressed also. My D13 just smiled away and said let's practice, this is going to be fun messing with peoples heads. LOL!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AF,

Good job on your daughter, btw. This is a great opportunity to teach her about VALIDATION; about agreeing with someone's FEELINGS, but not necessarily agreeing with their POSITION. For example, she can say "Yeah, I can see how you could see it that way." or "I understand how you feel." She may appreciate the distinction. I just had this convo with my D19, and it was really good.

You are correct, the tone you take around your wife right now, and what you say is a REAL tough dance, for the reasons you state:

I tried my best to have a PMA. She was confused I think but relieved. Now, this does one of two things: It gets her thinking as to whats going on with me--which I'm hoping(matter of fact I hope she thinks about it for hours) or worse, she is relieved that I'm making things easier talking to her and she can walk away with little guilt like she did me a favor or something.

I think you handled it well. One thing you might say in the future is something like "Oh, I'm pretty good actually (sounding upbeat). I still don't agree with a damned thing that's going on, but I'm doing surprisingly well."

or

"I'm pretty good, thanks. (sounding upbeat, but not annoyingly so). Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about one thing I got upset with you about the other night, but I've come to some realizations about this, and I'm hanging in there."

If she presses you for what your "realizations" are, say something like "Oh, we'll talk about it someday, but now's not the time. I hate to cut you off, but I need to go ________ (fill in GAL activity). Talk to you later!"

The thing is, wayward spouses desperately want to normalize their adulterous relationships, and they need to know that their loved ones -- esp. their spouses -- are "okay" with things. The trick is to let them know that YOU are going to be okay, but that you're NOT okay with what they're DOING.

Does that make any sense?

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

Okay.

So when she (your daughter) becomes ten times more agreeable with you...
be aware you're being played.

Gotcha. But you did good with the W. Let her sit there and wonder WTH is going on. lmao.

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

^ what Puppy said.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

I think you handled it well. One thing you might say in the future is something like "Oh, I'm pretty good actually (sounding upbeat). I still don't agree with a damned thing that's going on, but I'm doing surprisingly well."

Thanks very much, Puppy! I like this statement above. I wasn't exactly sure how to convey this but I will the next opportunity I get. Good tip.

And I understand perfectly now. I didn't before though as I was confused about being ok when you actually aren't. I see the distinction now and honestly can't wait to use it.

Should I call her? Just kidding...:)