Good job on your daughter, btw. This is a great opportunity to teach her about VALIDATION; about agreeing with someone's FEELINGS, but not necessarily agreeing with their POSITION. For example, she can say "Yeah, I can see how you could see it that way." or "I understand how you feel." She may appreciate the distinction. I just had this convo with my D19, and it was really good.
You are correct, the tone you take around your wife right now, and what you say is a REAL tough dance, for the reasons you state:
Quote:
I tried my best to have a PMA. She was confused I think but relieved. Now, this does one of two things: It gets her thinking as to whats going on with me--which I'm hoping(matter of fact I hope she thinks about it for hours) or worse, she is relieved that I'm making things easier talking to her and she can walk away with little guilt like she did me a favor or something.
I think you handled it well. One thing you might say in the future is something like "Oh, I'm pretty good actually (sounding upbeat). I still don't agree with a damned thing that's going on, but I'm doing surprisingly well."
or
"I'm pretty good, thanks. (sounding upbeat, but not annoyingly so). Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about one thing I got upset with you about the other night, but I've come to some realizations about this, and I'm hanging in there."
If she presses you for what your "realizations" are, say something like "Oh, we'll talk about it someday, but now's not the time. I hate to cut you off, but I need to go ________ (fill in GAL activity). Talk to you later!"
The thing is, wayward spouses desperately want to normalize their adulterous relationships, and they need to know that their loved ones -- esp. their spouses -- are "okay" with things. The trick is to let them know that YOU are going to be okay, but that you're NOT okay with what they're DOING.
