alien invasion II

[hoosiermama]

I have just spent an hour writing a long and painful post, processing this feeling that I have of having a door suddenly slammed on my life, of denarration (thanks, Theo)--losing the story of my life. And suddenly, as if symbolizing the absurdity of it all, a very strange babelfish translation of previous posts appeared, completely unbidden, and all that I had written was gone somewhere.

I'm just too tired to rewrite. It was just journalling anyway. I'm just too tired in general--tired of being cold, tired of trying to keep my head above water emotionally and financially, tired of trying to regain some control over my life. I miss my daughter and I'm tired of being a part-time mom. I miss my community and it's connection and my friends and my family--which all evaporated without much of a trace. I'm tired of starting my life over again and over again and over again--and 52 is just not a good place to begin again, again. I'm tired of seeing these people happy and thriving--those whose appallingly self-centered choices have resulted in me being here. I'm tired of the crushing loneliness that never leaves. I'm tired of the overwhelming sense of futility I feel. I'm just so tired. I'm not suicidal, don't be alarmed. I'm just very tired.