Never say Never; it's worth the fight!

[Treese]

Evening everyone....

Well, since I'm not sobbing for the moment I thought I would get on and vent....I did a terrible backslide.....it's awful....I was do so well and boom, screwed it all up....so now it's over....he's done with me for good....the sound in his voice was assurance...the D is right around the corner....

I had asked H the other day if he could take S11 over spring break for a few days, not the whole break, but enough time that myself and a girlfriend wanted to get away, just us girls...then H sent me a text....chicken sh**..
It Said, "Hi. I can pick S11 up at practice, I'll get him Saturday, and oh, I can't take him spring break I already have plans to go camping with OW"...WTF...he said he didn't know when the kids' spring break was but he didnt ask, and I know i've already told him...he knows, we've been together 30 years, we are always over Easter....

I immediately picked up the phone to call him, Wrong thing to do I know but I was ticked....

I said you can't take your son but you can go camping with your girlfriend?

H said I knew you were going to react like that, you wonder why I don't tell you anything....what am I supposed to say, aaaaaa.."thank you for leaving me, thank you for having a GF, a kid with someone else, and go have fun on your little camping trip." Seriously, he wanted me to be calm about it....He never does anything, yes, I told him this, another wrong move, I said , I wash the clothes, clean the house, take the trash down, mow the lawn, run kids to appts, practices,etc...and his response was,..."I don't have a home to take S11 to or I would take him more often unless you want me to take him to OW's house"...so the fight escalated...you name it I said it.....he said, we need to move forward with the D so the kids can have closure....he's moved on and so should I...he is happy and he chooses to wake up in the morning and be happy....well, I'd be happy too if I had no responsibilities....I told him he needed to take Matthew more than 24 hours at a time and he said, he would BUT...sometimes he's with the other kid and he needs to spend time with him too, that his other kid is excited he has a brother, wants to meet him...

I"m sorry but I said absolutely not until I talk with my son and H and believe my son is able to handle it....H wants to make that a happy little family....

I know I cant change the past but H was acting so excited about this other kid....hasn't been in his life for 9 years and now he's father of the year....I don't think so...

H Said the girls won't talk to him, that we'll see how they are when they make a mistake when they grow up.....OMG....I'm dealing with a 12 yr. old...nothing I say really matters, I do know that but he is so sure of his relationship with his girlfriend and their future together....I'm throwing in the towel...I have no fight left....he doesn't want to be with me ever again...he said that...he's happy...He said he's changed now he talks about his feelings, blah, blah, blah....

I said no matter if we're divorced....I will still be your wife, your first love, you can't change that and he said, He knows that and he's not trying to change it. He wants to take care of me....he doesn't spend money, he doesn't care about money...just wants me to give up....

I said, so if I go out with someone else it won't bother you? he said, "no, I want you to, I think it would be good for you..if you were dating someone I would go up and shake his hand"...REALLY? Now doesn't that tell you it's over? He's not bothered by me going out with another man...he's encouraging it...

I told him I never had a choice, he made it for me, no chance, no counseling, nothing...he said, "he can't help the way he feels"...nothing with him has changed in 2 years...he's still sure of his feelings for me, he's still sure he found his soulmate. He is with her in my opinion because she has accepted all he's done...and loves him....so I can't fight with that...


I told him he was going to be a lonely old man....he said, "no I'm not and kind of chuckled? Wow.....


So, here I sit, sobbing....and why? I was doing so well....I totally blew it....and I so need a break....a vacation....soon...before I go insane....

So, give it to me all the 2 x 4's.....I deserve them...