Based on my gut I went email snooping, Now I realize this is a no no, but I feel like I need the full story right now in order to protect myself and no how to proceed with my life.
So here is a little back ground if you haven't read any of my precious posts.
My wife has lost about 50lbs., and began to go to concerts without me. Now, I get pannicky in big crowds so I had been declining her invitations to go with her, Huge mistake whick I fully regret now!
So she doesn't really have any friends, what that means is that she has never really got along to well with her female friends for one reason or another, in my opinion she chooses females that are not the best quality.
So back in december 2008 she was talking to a group of friends about wanting to go to a concert but she had no one to go with. Well on of the people there is this guy who is sort of a friend to me but is really more of a friend to her. The reason he is really more of a friend to her is because my wife is a daycare provider to his kids. I don't really see him often but obviously she does. So this guy expressed interest in oing to this concert and they made tentative plans to do so in my presence. So i didn't think there was any issue with it at that point.
So during the month of december I began to just start to act and be how I wanted our relationship with my wife they way I wanted our relaionship to be. Another words we were having issues and some of the issues were about how we were around each other on a daily basis. So I began to just give her random hugs, you know just be more affectionate and loving. She seemed receptive to this, but there were times were it just felt awkward.
So very ealy in Jan. 2009, after another morning of her leaving the house in a huff and not saying goodbye to me or she loved me I decided to confront her with what I was feeling. I had also in the back of my mind do to this awkawrdness and her coldness began to wonder if she was done with me or having an affair or what, I just didn't know what to think.
So that night I told her how I had been trying to change the vibe in the house and be more affectionate and loving, but I was getting wierd feelings from her. I asked if she was done with our relationship or was she having or wanting to have an Em, basically I wanted to know what was going on for her. I also told her that my gut was sending me weird signals about this guy she was going to the concert with.
This obviously made were very angry and deffensive, she said nothing was going on with the guy, but gave me no real reply about my concerns about where she stood with our realionship.
Six days went by with no reply, then on the sixth day while getting ready in the morning she brought up a band that was going to be in concert. thinking nothing I said oh ya, are you thinking about going. She pauses, then tells me she already bought tickets. I respond oh ya, do you know who you are going to go with? She responds after another pause, yes I am going with the guy, I will call him Matt. A cold rush ran over my boddy, I then asked when she bought the tickets, she told me two days earlier, further panick in my mind and body now. I then asked her when she planned on telling me, she responded by saying she just did. I said no you weren't planning on telling me now I just pulled the info out of you. She said that given our last talk and the fact that she doesn't feel safe telling me stuff in fear of how I will react that she didn't know when she was planning ion telling me. She asked if I had a problem with it and I replied, put yourself in my shoes given the concerns I had been having. Then she left to go to work.
Two days later is when she dropped the bomb that she wants us to seperate.
A few days after that she told me she was angry about my suspicion about the guy because she doesn't have any friends, I won't go to the concert with her and now I am trying to ruin the one thing in her life right now, concerts and music. She told me there is nothing going on with this guy, he is just someone she can be friends with that shares the same love of music and concerts.
I did my best at that point to believe her, but now in that same conversation she tells me that I need to start telling the people in my life, friends and family that we are going to separate. The guy, matt, is also friends with my best freind and my best freinds wife. So my wife is concerned that I will tell my friend and his wife of my concerns about her and matt, she told me she doesn't want them to go to matt and talk about my issues and ruin any possibility of having matt back out of the concert or make him feel awkaward if he goes. So I agreed to respect her concern, trying to show that I believe her words that there is nothing there other than her desire to go to a concert and just have a good time because this is one of the way she is trying to take care of herself to make herself happy. She then says she needs to go for a drive for some time for herself. Later that night I told her I wanted to call the guy matt because he got devorced last year due to his WAW who left him and their kids for an affair with another man. I said it would be nice for me to talk to someone who had gone through a situation wher is wife had left him and I could use some good advice cuz he seems like a good enough guy because he has been a great father to his kids and so on. She didnt like the idea. So the next day she tells me she called matt to tell him she wants me out of the house so we could separate. I asked he why she preempted my talk with him. she said for the same reason as before she didn't want him to feel awkward and either not want to go to the concert or be awkard and not have a good time when they wer there.
I never did talk to him, although a few weeks ago he called and left me a nessage that he would like to talk to me cuz he could have really used a friend at the time he was ging through this.
I never called him though.
Then today I looked at her email, I know this in a non no, but Imy gut feeling about this guy has not been good. Yesterday I say that she had been looking at picutes if him on facebook, which sent up a red flag.
So this morning I looked at her email and say that she has been emailing him on a regular basis. In fact she has been talking to him about concerts and she has been buying tickeets to concerts and asked him if he would like to go. In ine of the emails he says to her, " would it be bad if he went to the concert with her? He then said, he just dosn't want to make waves with me(sad09)" and then asks what the date of the conctert is again. In the next email from her to him she says,"you probably can't ask her if it wuld be bad for him to go to the concert. Seeing as she is the one trying to get him to go. So the answer to wether it would make waves with me is but she wants to go to the concert with him any ways."
In the next email which was on monday march 9 she says, " I havn't said anything to me(sad09) about the concert yet. I don't think he has seen any of my numerous tickets that I have purchased in the last couple of weeks. I don't know what to say to him about it cuz it's gonna be painful. Honeltly I doubt there would be anyway to make it ok with him. I'm trying to work it out in my head. That's why I say save the date... it will work out I'll talk to you about it more tomorrow. I'm sorry that this is awkward for you. I know things were different when I asked you to go the other concerts. Not what you signed up for :)"
Based on my gut I went email snooping, Now I realize this is a no no, but I feel like I need the full story right now in order to protect myself and no how to proceed with my life.
So here is a little back ground if you haven't read any of my precious posts.
My wife has lost about 50lbs., and began to go to concerts without me. Now, I get pannicky in big crowds so I had been declining her invitations to go with her, Huge mistake whick I fully regret now!
So she doesn't really have any friends, what that means is that she has never really got along to well with her female friends for one reason or another, in my opinion she chooses females that are not the best quality.
So back in december 2008 she was talking to a group of friends about wanting to go to a concert but she had no one to go with. Well on of the people there is this guy who is sort of a friend to me but is really more of a friend to her. The reason he is really more of a friend to her is because my wife is a daycare provider to his kids. I don't really see him often but obviously she does. So this guy expressed interest in oing to this concert and they made tentative plans to do so in my presence. So i didn't think there was any issue with it at that point.
So during the month of december I began to just start to act and be how I wanted our relationship with my wife they way I wanted our relaionship to be. Another words we were having issues and some of the issues were about how we were around each other on a daily basis. So I began to just give her random hugs, you know just be more affectionate and loving. She seemed receptive to this, but there were times were it just felt awkward.
So very ealy in Jan. 2009, after another morning of her leaving the house in a huff and not saying goodbye to me or she loved me I decided to confront her with what I was feeling. I had also in the back of my mind do to this awkawrdness and her coldness began to wonder if she was done with me or having an affair or what, I just didn't know what to think.
So that night I told her how I had been trying to change the vibe in the house and be more affectionate and loving, but I was getting wierd feelings from her. I asked if she was done with our relationship or was she having or wanting to have an Em, basically I wanted to know what was going on for her. I also told her that my gut was sending me weird signals about this guy she was going to the concert with.
This obviously made were very angry and deffensive, she said nothing was going on with the guy, but gave me no real reply about my concerns about where she stood with our realionship.
Six days went by with no reply, then on the sixth day while getting ready in the morning she brought up a band that was going to be in concert. thinking nothing I said oh ya, are you thinking about going. She pauses, then tells me she already bought tickets. I respond oh ya, do you know who you are going to go with? She responds after another pause, yes I am going with the guy, I will call him Matt. A cold rush ran over my boddy, I then asked when she bought the tickets, she told me two days earlier, further panick in my mind and body now. I then asked her when she planned on telling me, she responded by saying she just did. I said no you weren't planning on telling me now I just pulled the info out of you. She said that given our last talk and the fact that she doesn't feel safe telling me stuff in fear of how I will react that she didn't know when she was planning ion telling me. She asked if I had a problem with it and I replied, put yourself in my shoes given the concerns I had been having. Then she left to go to work.
Two days later is when she dropped the bomb that she wants us to seperate.
A few days after that she told me she was angry about my suspicion about the guy because she doesn't have any friends, I won't go to the concert with her and now I am trying to ruin the one thing in her life right now, concerts and music. She told me there is nothing going on with this guy, he is just someone she can be friends with that shares the same love of music and concerts.
I did my best at that point to believe her, but now in that same conversation she tells me that I need to start telling the people in my life, friends and family that we are going to separate. The guy, matt, is also friends with my best freind and my best freinds wife. So my wife is concerned that I will tell my friend and his wife of my concerns about her and matt, she told me she doesn't want them to go to matt and talk about my issues and ruin any possibility of having matt back out of the concert or make him feel awkaward if he goes. So I agreed to respect her concern, trying to show that I believe her words that there is nothing there other than her desire to go to a concert and just have a good time because this is one of the way she is trying to take care of herself to make herself happy. She then says she needs to go for a drive for some time for herself. Later that night I told her I wanted to call the guy matt because he got devorced last year due to his WAW who left him and their kids for an affair with another man. I said it would be nice for me to talk to someone who had gone through a situation wher is wife had left him and I could use some good advice cuz he seems like a good enough guy because he has been a great father to his kids and so on. She didnt like the idea. So the next day she tells me she called matt to tell him she wants me out of the house so we could separate. I asked he why she preempted my talk with him. she said for the same reason as before she didn't want him to feel awkward and either not want to go to the concert or be awkard and not have a good time when they wer there.
I never did talk to him, although a few weeks ago he called and left me a nessage that he would like to talk to me cuz he could have really used a friend at the time he was ging through this.
I never called him though.
Then today I looked at her email, I know this in a non no, but Imy gut feeling about this guy has not been good. Yesterday I say that she had been looking at picutes if him on facebook, which sent up a red flag.
So this morning I looked at her email and say that she has been emailing him on a regular basis. In fact she has been talking to him about concerts and she has been buying tickeets to concerts and asked him if he would like to go. In ine of the emails he says to her, " would it be bad if he went to the concert with her? He then said, he just dosn't want to make waves with me(sad09)" and then asks what the date of the conctert is again. In the next email from her to him she says,"you probably can't ask her if it wuld be bad for him to go to the concert. Seeing as she is the one trying to get him to go. So the answer to wether it would make waves with me is but she wants to go to the concert with him any ways."
In the next email which was on monday march 9 she says, " I havn't said anything to me(sad09) about the concert yet. I don't think he has seen any of my numerous tickets that I have purchased in the last couple of weeks. I don't know what to say to him about it cuz it's gonna be painful. Honeltly I doubt there would be anyway to make it ok with him. I'm trying to work it out in my head. That's why I say save the date... it will work out I'll talk to you about it more tomorrow. I'm sorry that this is awkward for you. I know things were different when I asked you to go the other concerts. Not what you signed up for :)"
What am I missing here? I read the whole thing (no, not ALL of the duplicate posts, but all of ONE of them), waiting for the other shoe to drop, that they were having a full-blown affair. But as much as I thought from my very first post to you that this was an EA (and I still do), I'm not seeing any "smoking gun" here??
First thing I would say is stay calm. It really does not change anything as to how you need to handle yourself.
It sounds like there is an EA, possibly a PA going on. First of all, it confirms that you should not move out, under no circumstances. That would just open the door for her to invite him in. So be tough on that. No moving out.
The second thing you need to think about is whether you want to confront her, or expose the EA/PA, or do nothing. Take your time on that decision (at least sleep on it once or twice), and play it by what you feel is best for you, not how you could possibly do less damage to your M. She determined to end your M anyway, so nothing you are going to do will change that.
If you do confront, be very matter-of-fact about it. Something like "I know everything about what is going on between you and 'Matt'. It is extremely disrespectful to me and our family." That is it. Do not tell her your source. Then you need to decide if you want to expose to friends and family. I would do that if you think you get their support saving your M.
In any case, you need to continue to work on yourself, trying to be the better option for her. That is all you can control right now. You cannot control what she is doing, whether or not she is going to the concert with OM. So do not even think about it. You feel powerless and angry, but where you need to go is a PMA.
This is not over. So hang in there.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I read the e-mails you quoted again and again, and I am starting to agree with Puppy. Worst case, it might be an EA at this point, but the evidence is pretty thin. If this is all you have got, I would probably not confront her right now. Maybe you have more that we do not know about.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Well, this is all I have at this point other than they had also talked her skipping a school pta meeting last night so she could go to some workshop graduation with 'Matt' and his son. You see his son is having serious emotional issues about his parents devorce. My wife has talked about how sad this litle boys situation is and how impressed at how 'Matt' is handling it. I do know that she went to the pta meeting though. She said in an email that there were only 3 PTA meetings left. She said she would be missing next months meeting so she and him could go to this concert on a Wed. night in a city 4hrs. away.
So here is how I handled the info I got yesterday about my wife, see the above super long post from me for background.
So my wife spoke of me not seeing the tickets in the mail when she was emailing 'Matt', well some of the concert tickets came in the mail yesterday.
I decided that I would act as if this was no big deal, sort of a whatever attitude, since I keep telling myself I truly have no control over anything accept how 'I'respond to things.
So when she came in I handed the two envelopes to her and said, "looks like you got some concert tickets, good for you, I am glad to see that you are continueing to make plans to go to concerts". I then said, " I know how important they are to you, i am happy to see your taking care of yourself by doing what you love." Then I just smiled and moved along with making dinner.
I must admit that I was hoping this would allow her to save face about being decietful about buying concert tickets and asking 'Matt' to go. You see this is the second time she has done this and she knows I found her actions about not telling me up front instead of being sneaky about it.
I must admit I was extremely hurt that she would invite 'Matt' to another concert having known how much it hurt me the first time she did this.
I also know that she has felt unsafe telling me things that she knows has the potential to upset or hurt me. Knowing her feelings in this area I took a deep breath and decided that I just need to show her compassion. So I decided to respond as a careing friend rather than REACT in a poor manner.
Though it was very difficult, I felt great about myself, and odly empowered.
She never did say anything about the fact that she had asked 'Matt' though. I don't know if she will.
I had really hoped that when I told her that I was just not alright with her even considering seeing other people while we a separated, which she agreed to. The thing is she agreed to not seeing other peolpe on the same day she told 'Matt" to leave the date open for the concert and that she knew it would upset and hurt me.
What am I to think of that? 1) is she so over our marriage that she just does not care about my feelings at all? 2) is she just so afraid about how I will react? 3) or does she know in her heart that what she is doing is so wong she can't face it?
I'll talk to you about it more tomorrow. I'm sorry that this is awkward for you. I know things were different when I asked you to go the other concerts. Not what you signed up for :)"