WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[spellfire]

She is testing the new you. I wrote to robx about this in his thread. I used a wall analogy (not to be confused with putting up emotional walls), but it is also referred to as being a rock in Hold on to Your NUTS. Here it is again, maybe it is applicable to you now:

When she says things like that, I believe she is not telling you "the writing is on the wall" as much as testing you to see if you really have changed. Your job is to prove (via action ie. not overreacting to hurtful comments) that you truly have changed and you can pass any test she presents.

Think of it this way...you are a wall. Women need to know the wall is strong, safe, and secure. Previously she found the wall was weak and she was able to punch holes in it at will with hurtful words. The wall would crumble (react) for the most part. now you have figured out why the wall is weak and have reinforced it, patched it, braced...however you want to think of it, but the key being you have truly changed. She has surely noticed that the wall that let her down before is certainly looking much stronger. How does she know for sure though? She is gonna go test it out and see if she can punch those holes again.

Your job is to expect the punches, anticipate them and be ready to take them. Okay so here she comes with a good solid punch…
she wants to see if this wall is gonna hold for her…

"We've been fighting so long and have experienced failure so long, how could we be different and have a successful, happy marriage?" *insert batman style sound effect here*

Pretty hurtful thing to say to someone who is devastated by the separation. So what are you gonna do? React and get in a fight (old crumbly wall) or (knowing it is a test of your resolve and not necessary an assessment of the relationship) stand strong and prove you are no longer going to get sucked into the old patterns?

You asked if you have to agree so as to avoid conflict, and said it's hard to remain neutral when she’s knocking the R so much. Reframe that assumption. She is not knocking the relationship, she is testing your resolve to truly be a different person.

When these kinds of comments come up, don't get mad. Realize you are "talking a little test". Feel those competitive instincts kicking in? You can pass this test. If you recognize it as a test of your resolve it doesn’t feel nearly as bad. This has helped me tremendously in my R. I used to get sooo defensive, now I can defuse just about anything she throws at me. Not only is it a test to me, it has almost become a thrill, because it feels so good when you see the surprise on her face that you did not fall back into the old habits. One time my W got really upset, since she made all kinds of assumptions about how I would handle a certain situation. I stood strong, explained to her my position as she fought the tears, then without even asking or telling her, went over and gave her a big follow up hug. Minutes later she was on the phone taking care of the issue like nothing had ever gone wrong.

This is where boundaries come in. The wall analogy actually fits in rather well with boundaries too since it is one lol. Make your position known, just don't let her punch holes in your wall.