He's ticking down the MLC checklist

[bip42]

Introducing myself to this online community for support, insight, and to provide RELIEF to my real-life friends/family from this trauma.
me: almost 44
H: same
Married: 20
Together: 22.5
D: 19
S: 17
S: 5

Background:
Married at 24 to college boyfriend. I chased/overwhelmed him until he married me. He has always been passive and noncommunicative, but at 24 I didn't have the maturity to see how that would play out in the future. His family of origin has very dysfunctional communication skills. Hard to describe, but you feel invisible when interacting with them. My husband has always said that people who need to talk have a "personal problem." He saw the world as black and white and didn't want that much social engagement. Considered himself morally above the gray areas of life and basically always touted high moral standards.

I had all the ideas/creativity/busyness for the family. He acted mostly as a teenager in the family. He was spent from work and didn't have any energy for his family, home, or personal life though he was interested in us and loved us. We happily agreed that I would manage the family life without working and he would be the breadwinner. He often said me staying home was the best decision we ever made. It grated on me that he didn't have the "energy" for home, but when more demands were made of him at work, he was able to expand his energy/talents accordingly.

He went to work after college graduation and has made constant progression in 20 years to a high level executive position. He repeatedly receives accolades for his ideas, management style, loyalty, etc. In private, I know that work "happened to him" and he feels like he has to be perfect. He has forced himself to function at work like it's life or death and has succeeded outwardly, though feels on edge and inferior on the inside. He would download his work day happenings to me and fall into my arms, exhausted, proud, tired, etc. We had a lot of touching and being together. He was sexually passive. Outside of work, he has only pursued passive activities such as reading, movies, computer gaming, etc.

In the last couple of years (though I can trace back farther than this), he began to remove himself even more from the family and his work became more consuming. He complained about not getting any enjoyment in life, about work being the same old thing, about feeling like a "shovel" to the family. He had periods of agitation/anxiety. He lost hair on his head, He started urinating more like an "old man" (sorry, TMI). He said even the dog and cat just wanted something from him. He many times mentioned MLC and read up on it. In the last 6 months, these behaviors escalated--unrest, unhappiness, couldn't get comfortable, crying or tearing up often, sudden and rogue job change, etc. Around Christmas 2008, he hinted that this unhappiness included "our relationship"--the future of which had always been a given.

On February 1, 2009, I discovered an emotional affair with a 28 yo single mother at his old work (recently left the old workplace). He said he was in love with her, he didn't know what he wanted to do with me, our kids would be fine, when does he get to have a positive relationship, etc. He spewed words and ideas never uttered in our marriage--we were in parallel lives, we don't communicate, we are negative, and everything we are would have to change etc. Though H and OW worked together (he as the top executive, she as a lower administrative person), the relationship was developed through chat at work for a long time and had escalated to chat at home, and phone calls. As far as I know, they have not had physical contact or even face to face intimate conversation or even a whisper to each other in the coffee room. He claims the inappropriate boundaries were crossed by him when he switched jobs (away from her workplace)--probably some instant messaging "I'm thinking of you all the time" escalating quickly to ILY. He is being painfully truthful since the bomb about where his loyalties and heart lie (OW) even though he has cut off overt and direct contact. He has changed his "charged stance" for her somewhat in the weeks since the bomb. Though contact with all mutual friends/colleagues at old work continues.

It took me a couple of weeks after the bomb to realize where I stood. A couple days after the bomb, I sent him some emails, some of which had sexual content. He flipped his position from being sure of his love for the OW and decided he should "look" at our relationship before bolting. It was then that I realized that the electronic delivery rather than face to face made a big impact on him and shed light on his massively undeveloped social/emotional skills.

We are in MC now (H's idea) but he doesn't know if he wants to "work on" the marriage. The C seems to be very focused on H and his lack of skills/emotions. H thinks MC is giving him more insight into himself than the IC did (he started with an IC to help him with his OW v. Wife/Family predicament before I knew our marriage was in jeopardy) so he quit the IC. H thinks doing anything nice for me, or in the moment would be insincere and would build up into the same thing we had and everything needs to change. He feels nice exchanges or sex would manipulate him back into the "fold" or being "compliant." He is at a point now where he realizes the problems are with him and that he wants to work on himself and then think about relationships (though still go to the MC). Everything I read about an MLC fits like a glove--or rather like a checklist that he is ticking down.

So there it is--we are living like polite roommates (well, i'm polite). He has been totally withdrawn for a couple of weeks. Before, just after the bomb, he kept saying he didn't know how to change anything, how to approach things differently, he was stuck, he didn't know what his needs are etc and that he wanted to make things better between us. Several times with his IC and the MC, they have given him something to think about and he says "I don't buy it." For instance, he thinks his relationship with the OW was a special dynamic born only to them and if he dissected it for what he was "getting" (the IC wanted him to figure out what needs were getting met through an illicit relationship that weren't getting met in other ways)he would be insincere. "Sincerity" and "motivation" comes up a lot (so adolescent!). He very much reminds me of the boy I met at age 21, not the competent executive.

Questions, comments, insight, welcome.

I am accomplishing hour by hour patience at great cost to my emotions. My entire life has revolved around him and there is a big hole in me and our family now. Being 44 with a 5 year old cuts a little down on GAL.

I read the chapter in DR about midlife crisis at least every day. Also have more MLC books coming. I know I'm not managing this process but I have seen a little softening in him in reaction to my calmness, understanding and a little mystery thrown in. He is seeing me make plans, dress a little less frumpy and wear earrings (he commented on that!).
Thanks!

BPretty

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hello Pretty.

(That was so pirate I'm smiling)

You seem to have an amazing grasp of the situation and that is a good thing, it will serve you well.

Patience at great cost to your emotions...umm, first, that is amazing wording, you write very well. Second, yes for now it will cost your emotion until down the road patience comes from being patient, that time will come for you.

Read the whole of DR, all of it applies. However, the LRT...you're not emotionally capable of it right now...more than likely.

Can you handle a PA from him before his MLC is over?

I know it is hard, but what faults do you have in regard to your marriage? It is hard to look at ourselves and realize that we F-ed up our marriage as well.

Find those faults in you and fix them.

Work on yourself, excercise.

Know this.

There are no quick fixes.

but I have seen a little softening in him in reaction to my calmness, understanding and a little mystery thrown in.

Don't buy into your stupid hope here. (No offense) This isn't the end, what your doing is good, keep doing it, but what you do won't end his MLC. Understand that. And sorry.

I know I'm not managing this process

Bull S hit. You're doing great.

You already know if you have read what you say you have not to talk about your realtionship anymore.

Being 44 with a 5 year old cuts a little down on GAL.

Lame old excuses don't fly here. You seem very capable and intelligent enough to figure out a way to GAL. So do it, instead of spending time saying why you can't use the time to figure out a way that you can.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

OH yeah,

STOP talking to your firends and family about your marriage problems.

It makes it HARDER for them to come back if everyone thinks they are scumbag.

[HalfMissing]

BPretty,
I feel I have to respond to you as my situation was so similar to yours. I met my exhusband at the age of 19 when in college. We married at 22 and were married for 21 years. He sounds so similar to your ex. We called him "the vulcan" since he expressed no emotions or feelings. I didn't know any better and just thought all men were like that. He left me for a woman he met online.

I believe my exhusband has either schizoid personality disorder or aspergers based on the diagnosis of his counselor. Normal men do NOT act like this. My ex has the maturity of a 15 year old and used passive agressive behavior like sexual withholding to punish me for not making him happy.

There is nothing you are doing to cause him to act this way. These men are just broken and you can't fix them. I encourage you to try to do what you can to fix your marriage but to keep in mind that it is probably out of your hands. Some of these men just should not be in relationships. I did all the work in the marriage and he acted like a teenager all those years, just as your husband has done. Like you, my life revolved around him and the children. Now is the time to think about yourself.

I don't know how much control you have over finances but this is the time to keep an eye out for things. I found that my ex had been secretly sending money to his online love. You need to make sure that you protect yourself and your children.

I also want to encourage you to think about if you really want to continue in a relationship with someone with this type of personality. I did not think I could live without my ex, but now I am in a new relationship and it is so different. Ask yourself if someone can really be in a relationship if they can't relate? My new boyfriend talks to me. He shares his emotions and feelings and initiates activities. It is so wonderful after so many years of being alone while in a relationship and not realizing it. My New Guy and I have been dating for 18 months and this is how a relationship is supposed to be.

I wish you luck in saving your marriage but please realize that no matter what happens you can get through it and no matter what you can make a better life for yourself. Despite what your ex says, you did not cause this. He is responsible for making himself happy. Focus on yourself and your children while keeping the door open.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I also want to encourage you to think about if you really want to continue in a relationship with someone with this type of personality.

Divorce Busting Board, Half, bad form.

[bip42]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies and needed spanks.

LRT-I can't seem to figure out what this acronym means.

Can I handle a PA?--Not sure. I know one of my issues is too much planning and control. I am not allowing myself to obsess over what he may or may not do and what my reaction would be. In a way, I'm sorry I interupted his "experiment" because she remains a fantasy that isn't sullied by real life.

I meant I know I am not managing the process of his MLC. I will be full-time managing me now.

I am trying to figure out my responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage. This has not come together into cogent thoughts yet. I am working with an IC. I think just as much as he is passive and undeveloped, I CHOSE to live a half-baked emotional life as some sort of "safe play." Still haven't fully developed those thoughts yet.

Yes, there is no relationship talk outside of the MC. He has made and will be making the MC appts or we won't go so there is relationship talk there. I still DB there. Him making these appts (like dialing the phone!) has literally been the biggest investment he's made into this marriage outside of his career. I told him years ago that he translated every issue I ever brought up into working harder at his career.

Half--I hear what you are saying and have (unfortunately) used the term "damaged goods" to refer to my husband's emotional capabilities since the bomb. He is showing a desire to look at himself and said he has been running from his emotions his whole life. I don't know if he can make enough improvement before my heart closes down, but for now, I'm in until I'm out.

I am all lawyered up and cancelled two appts to sign the first set of papers. I feel safe for now. I think just as he has withheld a part of him from me, he withheld real life actions from her (gifts, $, time, PA).

Thanks much,
BPretty

[HalfMissing]

No Jack, this is not bad form to suggest to someone that they think about the what the relationship was really like. These emotionally unavailable men can be very abusive emotionally. Their neglectful, passive-agressive behavior can rip your self esteem to shreds. Her husband has not suddenly changed due to a mid-life crisis. He has always had these emotional issues and behaved like a teenager to her. That is what I am trying to point out. There does not have to be physical violence for their to be abuse. This man may have always had a serious personality disorder.

BPretty, one good thing is that your husband acknowledges that he has been running from his emotions. As long as he is considering trying to work on himself there is hope.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tomato. We disagree.

The suck part of MLC is the growth the LBS goes through in so many ways. And when the MLCer comes out of it, they are still the same broken person full of faults they were prior to their MLC. So an LBS who actually did work and improved themselves is now looking back at their spouse, and questioning if they did the right thing.

We love not despite a person faults but with those faults included.

[HalfMissing]

We love not despite a person faults but with those faults included.

Just because you love someone does not mean that you should be in a relationship with them. Love is the excuse codependents use to stay in an unhealthy relationship. No one should be in an abusive relationship.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Pretty,

Choose your advice carefully. Understand where the advice is coming from as well. Our experiences shape it. IF it is MLC it won't be over in 6 months from the time you start posting.

This is a long haul, I am glad that your husband at least recognizes the problems he has, his own demons.

It is not an easy ride.