You'll never see me fall from grace

[Sugar and Spice]

Ok, so I skipped a line, but this one seems to fit better with my continuing saga than "Sometimes I cannot feel my face."

Yesterday was a BAD day kiddies. It brought me back to the time right before and right after H left. Everything was my fault, things can't be this way, etc... By the time I got home I didn't WANT to talk to him anymore. I agree completely that things can't be that way. I also agree that I have been in an extremely edgy, touchy, bitchy mood the last couple of days, but I can't take credit for ALL of yesterdays fun. All of his stress from work, OW, gambling away all of his $$ the first day he got paid all got dumped on me. I admit part of it was me because there were opportunities for me to keep my mouth shut or choose a different way of saying something and I chose not to. I was in a bad mood and what he was saying and doing pissed me off. I should have made better choices, but I didn't. I will next time.

What it did though was scare the hell out of me. I'm not sure that either one of us is going to be able to do what is needed to make this right. I can tell that we have taken several HUGE steps backward and I'm trying to have as little contact as possible today. Everyone just needs to breathe and process at their own pace. It wasn't even really that bad or big of a deal but I am unwilling to assume blame for things that have nothing to do with me and I'm also not going to stuff my feelings into a box and pretend they don't exist.

Part of me feels good about this because I can really tell that I've let go, but there is another part of me that is really scared and confused because I can tell I've really let go. If that makes ANY sense.