From what I've read, the sort of woman who has relationships with married men tends to have been scarred by her relationship with her father. If he neglected his family for other women, or treated his wife badly, or made his daughter his favourite over his wife, the daughter is left with a lot of anger, and sometimes a desperation not to be stuck in her mother's situation. Sometimes she enjoys the feeling she's competing with another woman, or forcing someone to suffer as much as she did as a child. Other times, she's determined never to care for someone as hopelessly as she watched her mother do, and so wants to be in control of the relationship. Often, she has an unconcious desire to "punish" her father, and so the lower the man sinks and the more he loses, the better. And unless she gains some self-awareness, she just keeps replaying the same ugly patterns, insisting throughout that nothing she ever does is her fault. It shows how messed up the MLCer must be to find such a sad creature fascinating. And if he hopes to "rescue" her, he won't succeed because, like him, she's trying vainly to escape herself and her past.
It's good that you were able to tell everyone your story--it made me feel doubly alone that I had so few people I could talk to. Because of the kids and my feeling that H would PROBABLY stay in the marriage, I didn't want too many people to know, even many members of my family. I certainly got tired of people telling me how great I looked because of my weight loss and wondering what my secrets were, while I was going down a pants size a fortnight and feeling awful about all the mini-bombs.
I hear you on the heart versus head split, and that one takes a long time to come together. I found I was connecting my H's perceived rejection of me with other rejections in my past, which made me feel like a rejected little girl again. Once I was able to isolate feelings like that and not allow the pain from one to superimpose on the other, I was able to detach more from it. (Sorry, was that at all clear?)
So, if you're the only straight person at your gym and don't fear being hit on, then the place is totally full of gay guys? Heck, you're surrounded by guys who would be fabulous to take those cooking classes with!! (Apologies for the stereotyping.) Too bad the classes aren't appropriate: out here it's possible to take classes through the rec centres or kitchen-supply stores which aren't geared to upcoming chefs or couples, and it's usually a fun evening.
Good luck on finding a book club--and it might be worth mentioning to some of your friends. It is hard to find the time to read with kids around, but as a mom you sometimes want a project to prove your brain hasn't quite gone to mush. Plus, "having" to read something for book club makes such a good excuse for some alone time! Another thought--would some volunteering appeal to you? Perhaps not, when you're already so involved with caring for your mom, but it's something I've thought I'd like to do for the community (if I weren't so busy helping out at the school right now, of course!).
