The biggest challenge that I have is when she gets angry like that about something I have done or am planning to do, I get defensive and fight back rather than trying to listen. For instance, yesterday my W was upset that a) she had been inside sick for almost 2 days during the only nice weather we had and b) she was feeling alone and distant and wanted some attention from the kids.
I understand that and why she would feel that way, but since she started the discussion as an attack on me (ie "You being so selfish!") that I immediately get defensive and fight back. (ie "I am not!").
Anyway, I'm not really worrying about it - just analyzing it as a way of learning.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Well, it was sort of childish to attack you that way. Kids need some interaction too and I thought you were being very helpful and thoughtful. Don't analyze too much. It can make you crazy fast.
I'm pretty calm. Most of my thoughts and efforts right now are going into trying to learn about myself, how I react to people, what makes me tick, etc.
My R is still pretty distant and detached, but I'm ok with that right now. It actually gives me some space that I need right now for my own work.
Interesting -- yesterday evening I went out and rented a movie for myself and tried to pick something that I wanted to watch and which was as far as possible from a date movie - The Dark Knight (the latest batman movie). Surprisingly, she asked me to wait to watch it so she could join me, and then watched it with me. She started the movie in her classic pose - as far away as possible from me, leaning away, etc, and finished the movie lying down with her feet on my lap. I'll take that as progress.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Sure, that's def. progress. I think if you can eliminate the feelings or expectation that everytime you're together you both are uncomfortable or there's going to be an arguement.....that will go a VERY long way. Good for you!
I'm worried about my W. Things have been pleasant but distant between us for the past week or so. No R discussions, no arguments -- in fact, almost no discussions at all. We cooperate regarding the kids and then do our own stuff. Recently it has seemed like the more detached I have become, the more distant and withdrawn she has become.
But I can tell that she is going through a tremendous amount of stress (which I have talked about in previous posts) and it is really getting to her. She is tall, thin and athletic and has never had any weight to lose - but still has recently lost a LOT of weight. She doesn't seem to be eating much, seems to be tired and / or cold a lot and her immune system doesn't seem to be very strong. Years ago (well before we met) she suffered from anorexia, and I think it is back.
Even with the M problems we have been having and my feeling detached, she is still a friend and the mother of my children and I care a tremendous amount for her welfare. I am worried enough about her that this is a much bigger concern to me than where the R is going.
I know I can't help her (convince her to eat more, etc) - that would just be codependent and bad for both of us. She is seeing a IC, but I know she would deny and avoid the subject if possible and I think that he is too passive to force her to talk about it.
I am worried and want to help her, but am afraid that too much attention from me right now would only make things worse.
I am wondering -- do I should sit her down and confront her with it? Tell her I am worried about her health? Ask her as a friend to go see a medical doctor? Request a joint C session with her just to discuss it?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Just a quick note as I have to run. I am, by no means, a expert on co-dependence, but having concern for your wife if she is damaging her health and asking if she needs help would not be co-dependent as far as I'm concerned. If her problem started to concern and engulf you more than her, then maybe.
It's a delicate walk, but if there's a real health concern here, just like any other addiction, throw out the DB playbook and help as a H or as a friend.
As I understand it, it is like an addiction - an addiction to control. I have asked if she needs help or support and she has responded "no, I'm fine, I just need space" I am pretty sure that she would not admit to herself, much less to me that she has a problem.
The codependent approach (which I need to avoid) would be where I start bringing her food, watching everything she eats, etc - won't work and would be ruinous for us both.
The only other options seem to be a) leave her alone and hope she pulls herself out of it or b) somehow force her to see and admit that she has a problem.
I don't have do anything today, but am getting more and more concerned.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
This afternoon I am taking the older 2 boys and heading off to meet some of my family at the beach for the weekend (yes, it will be cold). My W is staying at home with our youngest, and I am really looking forward to getting away.
2 months ago I would have been scared at the prospect of going away for the weekend for fear of what my W would do while I was gone. It sounds controlling, but that was the mindset I was in knowing that she was fully involved in the newly discovered EA.
Now I more detached (and have a gut instinct that the EA is really dead or dying) that I am pretty calm, and things have been tense enough here at home (my W and I are friendly, but she has been distant and uncommunicative recently) so I am happy to get away and have some space for myself.
I am also a bit concerned as to whether she will take care of herself over the weekend. Recently it seems like if I am around she cooks for the 2 of us and eats (We still have dinner together, she cooks and I clean up every night), but if I am not around, then she doesn't cook for herself and does not eat - and is getting dangerously thin.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I am away for the weekend, surrounded by my family and my kids, and unfortunately right now I am really just missing my W.
I know that what I am missing and longing for is the togetherness and intimacy that has really not existed for a long time. (except in my mind) and I know that it is best that we are apart right now, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Journaling about it, however, does make it a bit easier.:)
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I can totally relate. I think I now realize that I sometimes am missing more than was ever really there. Missing her, and the times before the bomb, is totally normal and justified.
Sometimes, I try to redirect this feeling and wonder how amazing it will be if my wife ever comes back, or (more likely) what a R will be like with a new someone once this storm is over my D is done. And also reflect on what kind of person that I've grown to in the last 12 months.
