WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

Stuck's advice/insight was at the tail end of my locked thread. I thought it were pretty important to keep in front for me as well as helping others.

You know you could save alot of money if you really paid attention to what all of us had said here. But you keep repeating the same mistakes.

Stop with all the relationship talks once and for all. Who would want to stay in a marriage when only negatives get brought up?

Here's what you need to do. When your W brings up the thought that she doesn't/can't believe the changes are real, blah blah blah, then just shrug your shoulders and say "that's up to you. I know their real." and then just walk off. You don't have to keep justifying it to her.

Second, when she brings up the thought that you should have known to do this and that. Just tell her you're not a mind reader any more than she is. If something's bothering her, tell you. She'll bring up how you never did so in the past, then stop her right there. Tell her that was the past and this is now. All she has to do is tell you and you understand much more now. Then stop. You don't have to justify anymore than that.

I had to give my W the mindreading talk and after that, she stopped griping about stuff. She knows she has to tell me when something is bothering her and I am always available to her.

You don't have to beat her over the head with it.

Again, all these issues are her. Stop appeasing her and following her around like a dog looking for her to throw you a bone. There's your 2x4. Stop all physical stuff on your part, even hugs, because in all you posts you keep initiating and you're driving her away. Think of yourself as like a James Bond character where women come to you rather than the other way around. Build up your confidence.

She's acting conflicted right now, but I can see she's rapidly making her mind towards the negative because you just won't stop. Even watching the Fireproof video, if she came off saying it was cruel for you two to watch it, kindly remind her that she wanted to see it too and that you are not the cause of her anger and frustration. The past is.

She is in total midlife crisis mode with her wild mood swings and irritability. You just have to ride them out as best you can.

With the verbal jiu-jitsu, you have to deflect her blaming you and reflect the issues back on her. When she keeps saying "I can't believe" or "You should have..." Deflect those comments with "I understand you can't believe...but I believe it" or "I should have before and that was before. I know better now." Then walk away. The key is to stop before she starts going off on the same rant she's been spewing for the past 9 weeks.

Oh and BTW, 9 weeks is a drop in the bucket. People have been on here for 5 years still going through this and I just hit a year. How do we get through it? Patience and prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. Sometimes jokingly I'd pray that my W wasn't going to be anything stupid today, but those light moments are what keeps you going day after day.

Oh and in terms of custody of your kids, I would split them 50/50. YOU can be just as caring a parent as she is and even more so because of what you've learned through all this. She is the one who is the unfit parent right now.

I still go for my original suggestion that you should separate households. You would have to anyway. Give her some real space and split the kids 50/50 between you. Show her you've got balls and that you are every bit the man you're claiming to be.

She'll complain saying that you're so cruel, etc. But hey, she started this. It's time to start doing things on your terms not hers.

Here's a link to a MLC article I found to be interesting.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/index.php?term=mid-life&print=1
I even sent this to my W even though they suggest not to, but she didn't complain about it, so it usually means she's read it and is fine with it. Your W is not at that stage. She still believes you and everyone else is the cause of her problems and not her. It's time you not let her MLC selfishness run your life. Live how you want to live your life. That's how it was before you got married. You never had to answer to anyone. Show her that man again. Then she'll have no choice but to look within. And that's what you want her to do.

I told my W that instead of constantly complaining about what she doesn't want, try figuring out what it is you do want. Your W will say she wants her freedom and to be out of the marriage. Stop her and ask her again what do you want and ask her to be specific. Does she want to go back to school, get a new job, new boyfriend, etc. I even recommended to my W that she get a journal and write down her thoughts and goals. Again, have her look within.