Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Glad it helps in some way.

Update:
I spoke to my pastor yesterday. He made a few observations I'm still digesting in light of the idea that not every situation is the same.

I was really starting to go cold vs. lovingly detach. It was comforting to me and gave me rest. However, as he put it, are you sure that's a good idea when you're seeing signs that what you've been working and waiting for are starting to bear fruit?

He mentioned unconditional love. I said I was like the father in the prodigal son story. He countered that if I am, then I should not be wondering about the past at all. The father didn't ask his son if he felt bad or was sorry for the way he treated him. He expected nothing, but gave his unconditional love and welcomed the son back. He suggested I should welcome her back the same way. Hmm....

He also mentioned that completely going away (as I was starting to do) was not a good idea at this time. He did say it several times. He mentioned that I should bring the conversation to an adult level whenever the oppty arose. I think he's right. I should be careful of my sense of humor at this stage.

He also helped me find the encouragement that I was looking for. He reminded me of how things were vs. how they are now. Certainly there has been improvement and change. Certainly we have a very long way to go. Certainly I can make it take longer if I lash out and try to "get even" with her for the things I was holding on to. Still am really. I have to work on that for my own benefit as that is half of what is killing me.

I think in my case, I started to let go because I saw her healing herself. Not coming back. Just healing. It's hard to explain, but for me as her husband I care very much about her health and well-being. Seeing her broken aside from the marriage issue, was and is very difficult for me to accept. I'm a protector in that way I guess. I am what I am. I think when I noticed that she was making changes in her own life - i.e. starting to spend more quality time with the kids, making an effort to stay home and stay awake to hang out with the family, making dinner most nights, not going to her cave to be away from us (me!) and not pining for sunsets and puppy dogs (i.e. deviating from the WAS script a bit - in a testing fashion) and even trying to reconnect with old friends, I think I began to see that I could take a break. Completely. Not a little. I was and for most purposes still isolating myself from her.

Not completely a bad thing, but the pastor reminded me not to go that far. We do need to slow things down. MC has been telling me that for quite a while, but I think I may have a glimmer of undrestanding what that means now. I am also more comfortable with it while I do my GAL on my own.

I was also warned to be careful of the GAL activities. Don't do things because I want to get even, but rather do things I want to do. Same as Mike has been telling people for quite a while. (hi Mike).

All in all, it helped me gain some perspective on my situation. It's not as bad as some have it. It's improving. It's a long way from being resolved in either direction. She hasn't handed me divorce papers and hasn't gone as far as saying that she's not going on the family vacation (son brought it up at dinner and she just looked away during the conversation trying not to answer).

My work is just beginning. On me. I have some things to do that are about and for me. I'm not making a bunch of improvements but rather going to explore some GAL activities that don't involve too much drinking. Or texting at the table for now I'll learn to be a friend and to go slowly around the raw feelings.

I am no longer frustrated by what I see. I'm sad still, but hopeful that if nothing else, she'll at least be able to heal herself. Even if I have to let her go at some point I at least have that.

Take care,
AJ