Introducing myself to this online community for support, insight, and to provide RELIEF to my real-life friends/family from this trauma. me: almost 44 H: same Married: 20 Together: 22.5 D: 19 S: 17 S: 5
Background: Married at 24 to college boyfriend. I chased/overwhelmed him until he married me. He has always been passive and noncommunicative, but at 24 I didn't have the maturity to see how that would play out in the future. His family of origin has very dysfunctional communication skills. Hard to describe, but you feel invisible when interacting with them. My husband has always said that people who need to talk have a "personal problem." He saw the world as black and white and didn't want that much social engagement. Considered himself morally above the gray areas of life and basically always touted high moral standards.
I had all the ideas/creativity/busyness for the family. He acted mostly as a teenager in the family. He was spent from work and didn't have any energy for his family, home, or personal life though he was interested in us and loved us. We happily agreed that I would manage the family life without working and he would be the breadwinner. He often said me staying home was the best decision we ever made. It grated on me that he didn't have the "energy" for home, but when more demands were made of him at work, he was able to expand his energy/talents accordingly.
He went to work after college graduation and has made constant progression in 20 years to a high level executive position. He repeatedly receives accolades for his ideas, management style, loyalty, etc. In private, I know that work "happened to him" and he feels like he has to be perfect. He has forced himself to function at work like it's life or death and has succeeded outwardly, though feels on edge and inferior on the inside. He would download his work day happenings to me and fall into my arms, exhausted, proud, tired, etc. We had a lot of touching and being together. He was sexually passive. Outside of work, he has only pursued passive activities such as reading, movies, computer gaming, etc.
In the last couple of years (though I can trace back farther than this), he began to remove himself even more from the family and his work became more consuming. He complained about not getting any enjoyment in life, about work being the same old thing, about feeling like a "shovel" to the family. He had periods of agitation/anxiety. He lost hair on his head, He started urinating more like an "old man" (sorry, TMI). He said even the dog and cat just wanted something from him. He many times mentioned MLC and read up on it. In the last 6 months, these behaviors escalated--unrest, unhappiness, couldn't get comfortable, crying or tearing up often, sudden and rogue job change, etc. Around Christmas 2008, he hinted that this unhappiness included "our relationship"--the future of which had always been a given.
On February 1, 2009, I discovered an emotional affair with a 28 yo single mother at his old work (recently left the old workplace). He said he was in love with her, he didn't know what he wanted to do with me, our kids would be fine, when does he get to have a positive relationship, etc. He spewed words and ideas never uttered in our marriage--we were in parallel lives, we don't communicate, we are negative, and everything we are would have to change etc. Though H and OW worked together (he as the top executive, she as a lower administrative person), the relationship was developed through chat at work for a long time and had escalated to chat at home, and phone calls. As far as I know, they have not had physical contact or even face to face intimate conversation or even a whisper to each other in the coffee room. He claims the inappropriate boundaries were crossed by him when he switched jobs (away from her workplace)--probably some instant messaging "I'm thinking of you all the time" escalating quickly to ILY. He is being painfully truthful since the bomb about where his loyalties and heart lie (OW) even though he has cut off overt and direct contact. He has changed his "charged stance" for her somewhat in the weeks since the bomb. Though contact with all mutual friends/colleagues at old work continues.
It took me a couple of weeks after the bomb to realize where I stood. A couple days after the bomb, I sent him some emails, some of which had sexual content. He flipped his position from being sure of his love for the OW and decided he should "look" at our relationship before bolting. It was then that I realized that the electronic delivery rather than face to face made a big impact on him and shed light on his massively undeveloped social/emotional skills.
We are in MC now (H's idea) but he doesn't know if he wants to "work on" the marriage. The C seems to be very focused on H and his lack of skills/emotions. H thinks MC is giving him more insight into himself than the IC did (he started with an IC to help him with his OW v. Wife/Family predicament before I knew our marriage was in jeopardy) so he quit the IC. H thinks doing anything nice for me, or in the moment would be insincere and would build up into the same thing we had and everything needs to change. He feels nice exchanges or sex would manipulate him back into the "fold" or being "compliant." He is at a point now where he realizes the problems are with him and that he wants to work on himself and then think about relationships (though still go to the MC). Everything I read about an MLC fits like a glove--or rather like a checklist that he is ticking down.
So there it is--we are living like polite roommates (well, i'm polite). He has been totally withdrawn for a couple of weeks. Before, just after the bomb, he kept saying he didn't know how to change anything, how to approach things differently, he was stuck, he didn't know what his needs are etc and that he wanted to make things better between us. Several times with his IC and the MC, they have given him something to think about and he says "I don't buy it." For instance, he thinks his relationship with the OW was a special dynamic born only to them and if he dissected it for what he was "getting" (the IC wanted him to figure out what needs were getting met through an illicit relationship that weren't getting met in other ways)he would be insincere. "Sincerity" and "motivation" comes up a lot (so adolescent!). He very much reminds me of the boy I met at age 21, not the competent executive.
Questions, comments, insight, welcome.
I am accomplishing hour by hour patience at great cost to my emotions. My entire life has revolved around him and there is a big hole in me and our family now. Being 44 with a 5 year old cuts a little down on GAL.
I read the chapter in DR about midlife crisis at least every day. Also have more MLC books coming. I know I'm not managing this process but I have seen a little softening in him in reaction to my calmness, understanding and a little mystery thrown in. He is seeing me make plans, dress a little less frumpy and wear earrings (he commented on that!). Thanks!
