Just stopping by and reading through your thread. There's a lot her, but just giving you some quick thoughts. First off, my sitch does not involve an OM, so I can't comment on that roller coaster.
I had much more time to prepare my mind for my current sitch - 12 months of MC/IC before the bomb. I didn't trying any DBing until the bomb, which was somewhat successful in making my W sit up and take notice, but unfortunately, she checked out long ago. The first few months are torturous and plays havoc with your mind. That's where GALing comes in - do it for yourself!
Detaching is essential, especially for the LBS and those married as long as you. My DB coach recommended me read "co-dependence no more", which deals with unhealthy relationships when one person becomes more centered on another person. It was very eye-opening to me and may be for you - as you mentioned that your life has focused on your H and M for so long. It also has a excellent chapter on detaching. I downloaded my book (either audible.com or itunes) and have listed to it 3 or 4 times.
Just one more comment before I go. I used to feel the same way as you about competing with someone else - in my mind it's not now, but with whoever my W ends up with. I was a chubby hubby, 49, bald and lower self esteem. Now, I am in shape (lost 30 lbs.), still bald, but more of a shaved head, and I'm starting to like it, and feel more self love and self respect that I ever have. I still have some thoughts about "competing" with who my wife ends up with compared to who I end up with, but it's diminishing. You CAN "compete" with anyone, but really don't have to. Be a fabulous YOU and if your H doesn't want to get in front of the line, you will eventually pass him up. It will be his loss.
