My situation #9

[steady]

Yeah Mike I don't think there will be some kind of epiphany...but then again, you never know. Everything is still the same - I'm in the house, we talk, I take care of all kinds of things with the kids and around the house. She can go out with her friends once in a while and I watch the kids. When I finally leave, all that will change.

I am focused on moving forward - but my biggest focus right now is keeping my mind at what I happen to be doing in the present moment. Otherwise my mind wanders into the past and into the future.

She has been very civil since our court date last week so it's not been too bad around the house. Last night she went to another Al-anon meeting and she seems to like it. She's meeting people who are living with active alcoholics. She mentioned one particular young girl whose husband is drinking and treating her like cr@p. I said well you never know some people change.

So that's the story. Still moving in the direction it has when she said she wanted a D. The difference is I'm working really hard at detaching and keeping my mind from trying to predict the future.

And thanks again Mike. As always, you are one of my rocks that I cling to when I seem to be drowning.

[ernest88]

Ok..I'm gonna ask a stupid question...since I have no experience with Al-anon..or alcoholics....so why is she attending a meeting for people who are living with alcoholics?? I mean you don't drink right?? She is an alcoholic...so why is she not attending AA or is AA and Al-anon the same as AA..

sorry fot he question..but I have no clue about any of that..

[steady]

LOL Mike. She should be going to AA meetings - that's for alcoholics. And she definitely is, but she hasn't gotten to the point where she could admit that to herself. She was telling me about a woman she met last night who goes to AA because she's an alcoholic and she also goes to Al-anon because her husband is an active alcoholic.

And there I was thinking, "You should be doing the same thing."

Al-anon is for anyone who has someone on their life who is an alcoholic. Children of alcoholics, spouses, girlfriends etc...

There is seperate group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) but they are fewer groups and are hard to find in some areas - they work on the dysfunction that occurs in you when you grow up in an alcoholic household. Which both my W and I had growing up.

I think her real motivation is to find out why she picks the men that she picks. She made a comment about how many women at the meeting were nurses and teachers - people who help other people. So she is looking at it from the wrong side still. Blaming me and trying to avoid 'someone' like me - instead of working on her own dysfunction. But if she stays long enough, she'll get to that stuff. But that's her thing.

[steady]

I had a really good IC session tonight. It's funny how I talk about you guys in there - the C will say something and I'm like, "Whiskey Tango said the same thing on such and such post" or "Mike wrote to me and said.....".

It's funny but I told her I had a hard couple of days and she asked,"How did you get out of it?" I said, "I posted about it and my people set me straight." She really loves that I have this kind of support - and so do I.

I had some interesting insights the last couple of days and we talked about them. I'll post about them when I get a chance. It's late and I have a little reading to do then off to bed.

Thanks again everyone.

[JDOllie]

Glad to hear you making decisions not based on emotions, or what W says or does!

It's funny I said something to someone about my W - literally said the letter "W" - and then just laughed my butt off.

I took a few days off DB after that!

[steady]

Yeah JDollie...detaching is a process and sometimes I find it quite hard to do (Mon & Tue this week were very rough), and other times it seems to come easy.

It's funny you mentioned saying W, I used abreviations in my IC session all the time. Last night I said WAS to my therapist. Was funny when I saw it come out.

One of the insights I talked to my C about was how I spent so many years 'hiding' myself from people. It became and issue with my W when I wasn't honest with her on a few things. Some charges I made on a credit card, and that I was chewing nicotine gum. They weren't big deals but I wasn't upfront about them - actually lied at first. But I see that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my fear that if people really knew me they wouldn't like me.

In the past two days I made the decision that I wasn't going to hide anymore. I want to be authentically me and that's good enough.

Another thing we talked about was if my W turned around and reversed course I would actually be hesitant to jump right back in. She has alot of hoops she would have to jump through - quit drinking, work on the issues she carried into the marriage and a few other things. My C said at this point she wouldn't want to see it reverse course....based on how my W is and she said my W has a personality disorder. The C commented that she was glad that I was taking a realistic view of my W and this whole sitch.

She also asked me how much hope I have that my W will change her mind. I said that I think I will always have some glimmer of hope in me, but realistically I say it may happen or it may not. I explained that I can't predict the future and no one can so I'm leaving the outcome in the hands of the future. But of course I do go back and forth on that and sometimes have more of a wish it would change and sometimes less.

I told the C that I always felt like I was emotionally stuck in my childhood somewhere - and talked about how I reacted when W dropped the first bomb - but that I feel the most emotionally mature than I have ever felt because of all the work I did in the past year.

I also told the C that I see that my W and I had a parasitic dimension to our R where we fed off each other. This was an interesting insight.

I also talked about how when I see my mind wandering into the past or the future I keep bringing it back into what I am doing now. And that's helped me tremendously over the past few days.

So that's the scoop. A little talking about my sitch, a little about my W, and a little about me. It was a good session.

[ernest88]

LOL Mike. She should be going to AA meetings - that's for alcoholics. And she definitely is, but she hasn't gotten to the point where she could admit that to herself. She was telling me about a woman she met last night who goes to AA because she's an alcoholic and she also goes to Al-anon because her husband is an active alcoholic.

And there I was thinking, "You should be doing the same thing."

Al-anon is for anyone who has someone on their life who is an alcoholic. Children of alcoholics, spouses, girlfriends etc...

There is seperate group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) but they are fewer groups and are hard to find in some areas - they work on the dysfunction that occurs in you when you grow up in an alcoholic household. Which both my W and I had growing up.

I think her real motivation is to find out why she picks the men that she picks. She made a comment about how many women at the meeting were nurses and teachers - people who help other people. So she is looking at it from the wrong side still. Blaming me and trying to avoid 'someone' like me - instead of working on her own dysfunction. But if she stays long enough, she'll get to that stuff. But that's her thing.

OK..so after that explaination of all these separate groups and what they are for..

I think I need a drink..

it was a lame attempt at humor folks..a very lame attempt..

[steady]

Friday night my W had the kids overnight at her mom's house as usual. So I spent some time at home taking care of stuff and then went to my brothers house for a few hours and watched a movie.

Saturday my W and kids got home around 1:00 and my W had to go to her L office. She called me on her way home and started to talk about wanting to sit down with the lawyers and figure out a way to come to a settlement so we won't have to pay all kinds of money to hammer it out in court.

I told her I would be ok with trying that. Then she started to talk about having to write up stuff to answer my lawyers request for specific times and dates and detail meanings of words that were in the court order she took out on me. Again I asked her to just drop the thing because she doesn't need it. I told her all the stuff in there was from the past and nothing even resembling any behaviors even close to that stuff was evening happening. She said she didn't want to drop it because it gives her peace of mind. So I let it go.

So I hung out with the kids and made them dinner. Then my W came home with groceries and me and the kids went outside to play. We ate dinner and my W gave the kids baths. Then we put them to bed. She drank 3 beers that night. I think she's modifying her drinking around me because of the whole court/D thing.

After the baths my W and I were in the bathroom cleaning up after the kids and my W turned to me and said, "I just want you to know I'm working on my inability to express anger in an appropriate way. It usually comes out as yelling and screaming because that's how I grew up - we didn't express that kind of stuff in my house." I told her that's something that had a play in causing damage in our M. She said she knew that. She said she was working on alot of things about herself.

Of course, in my mind I'm thinking, "Great. This is the stuff I wanted you to work on in the past year." But I didn't say anything like that.

I have more and I'll update later on.

[steady]

Not too much else to update. I don't want to even bother posting what the rest of that conversation was about.

Everything is still full steam ahead on us separating.

Monday my W worked late so I fed the kids and gave them baths. Played with them a bit and took care of all the house stuff - cleanup, getting ready for the next morning, etc... When my W got home she was surprised everything was done.

After we put the kids to bed my W came into my room and layed on the bed and we watched an hours worth of sitcoms before she went into her room.

Tuesday was uneventful. Played outside with the kids because it was such a beautiful day. Same stuff as usual.

Yesterday I played outside with the kids after they got home. My W made dinner and we all ate outside at my kids' little picnic table. My W actually made me a plate of dinner and brought it out for me.

We've been getting along just fine with no animosity or negativity going back and forth.

I've been doing alright. I have my moments where the sadness comes in about the whole thing. I find these times are fewer and don't last as long as they have in the past. I understand I have no control and there's nothing I can do to change my W's mind. She's chosen the direction and it will head this way unless she changes her mind.

So that's the scoop.

[working on me]

Hi steady, I am fairly new to the fight for what's right.

Today I rad one of your posts to another new guy. You gave some sound advice. Now I am in no place to give you any advice right now except to ask you to read you own. It truly helped me take a look at what detachment means, and how to put it in action. You posted on the guy who calls himself sotired.

Like most others here my sitch is a broken record, but if you can find the time to check in on me and my sitch I would greatly appreciate your sound advice. That same request goes out to M from Tenn. Your style of advice makes me laugh and we all need both a good laugh and friend tha's willing to shoot straight frim the hip.

I will be putting you on my watch list.