Let Everything Happen to You

[Concerned_Listener]

Beginner and Jack3B,
I had a good time at the dance venue. I got to dance with new ladies, and reconnect with others who invited me to join them at their venue on Sunday night. A guy with some basic dance skills is considered valuable.

I think I need to stay the course, and not pursue my W, as has been suggested. I keep thinking of the distinction between wise and foolish compassion. My W makes it clear she wants space, she is planning on moving on with her life, she is planning on finding a FT job to support herself, she sleeps elsewhere with no transparency as to where she is. I don't see the wisdom in pursuing her. She needs to experience the consequences of her words, judgment, and decisions.

I need to work on building confidence and buildling a social life that is mine. I also am trying to teach myself how to write personal essays. I'm trying to spend my time as DB suggests, as I would if I didn't have marital problems to think about.

I've read the first two chapters in The Gaslight Effect. It frames the verbal disrespect and anger I tolerate from my W as emotional abuse. It identifies the gaslighter as someone is strongly motivated to be right and will use anger to manipulate you to conform to their viewpoint. Nice guys like me are easily manipulated by these people, because we are sensitive, good listeners, want to think well of others, are conflict avoidant, want to keep peace, and want to preserve the M. These are great qualities for being in a R with a healthier person.

The first step is to create a response to their anger that disengages you from their tantrum. You basically unilaterally call a timeout, and leave the conversation, room, or house.

This would be a 180 for me. My history, as has been described is to suck it up, and let the storm pass. I then have to live with the emotional repercussions, which linger, and inhibit connection. I'll have to rehearse some sentences, that fit for me.

CL