Punkt, THANKS, I surely did not realize that the no conflict is MY 180. When I read what you wrote, that really hit me. And yes, one of the Four Horsemen: contempt. I am sure it was present b/c I felt it and seen it as well as the defensiveness. I don't want a D, but I'm getting to a point where I'm questioning the validity of this M, or if it's even worth the effort, the enduring emotional agony, loneliness and last but not least the abstaining. My mind is wondering upon wondering how long she has not been a W to me. I know I'm not supposed to do these things, but I have my days, my fears and my doubts; that human stuff. All this not confronting and avoiding conflict are small victories but these conversations about nothing are just hard to deal with. I don't want to go down a "cheeseless tunnel" (passive, Mr. niceguy). That's kind of who I've been with my W. Sometimes I feel like all my efforts are just allowing this situation to continue at its current state. Then at other times, I fell I need to be more aggressive, even though the no conflict seems to be a catalyst for whets been occurring. I will stand on that point of no conflict. DR says to do what works, and that seems to be working. I'll just have to do my best to be patient and keep working to rebuild the respect. I agree that she is judging herself even if I am not a witness to it.
Here's the update: Not sure if something has ran its course or is about to, but my W has been calling a least twice a week the past couple of weeks. This weekend she calls to ask me if I want to go to the movies. Well, I was visiting my father and missed the call and got the message through voicemail. I return the call and we have this nothing conversation for about an hour. Then she asked if I had plans for the night and I said no, because the weather was bad. She said all she does is go to the movies and I asked why, and she says to stop herself from going crazy. Then she asked if she could come by since I'm not leaving out. I warned her that the weather was bad, but she said she would be ok and that she also needed to see if she left one of her medical books at the house. She still has a lot of stuff at the house. So she came over around 10pm and this is only the 2nd time I've seen her since our separation. This just sprung into my mind; I have not touched my wife in over half a year. But anyway, we are well into another nothing conversation and she starts to talk about marriage and about a lot of our friends at the church who are getting divorced and who's cheating on who. In the midst of that conversation, she starts to tell me about a talk she had with a girlfriend about her divorce. My W says "I told her that her H should not have been cheating, it would be different if you guys were separated and he was with someone else". I swear I almost threw the kitchen sink at her or threw her at the kitchen sink. I could rationalize for years what that meant, but it seems as though she's setting up her reasoning's to condone an action or actions that she's been involved in. I let it go, but I did interject that if they were separated it still isn't right. That really bothered and hurt me that she would sit up and talk about marriage with another person, when she doesn't even communicate those things to or with me her H. I was pissed, but held it in. I walked her out to her car around 2am and went back inside. A few minutes later the doorbell is ringing, she forgot to look for the book.
Like is said she is a tit for tat kind of person, and with that said, I am not sure what to do. If I don't respond or meet her half way, she will say she tried. Then again this could be a search for another excuse to leave; her trying and me not. How long do we keep having these conversations about nothing? When can I talk about our M and where it is at or going? Since she asked me out, should I return the gesture?
