I am a member of the wanting sex all days club. However, as I am approacing 50, I am wondering if there are some vitamin to take to help my swimmers regenerate faster. Multiple times a day is becoming more and more a challenge to finish. No problem getting started though.
I think the big thing that I got from the talk is the type or R with W that I am chasing isn't there, there is still somthing big between us but the perfect R isn't there. So at the moment I have revised my expectations to meet reality, which means to fill the void I need to do a lot more things for me.
One of the things which makes me see that if I lead W will follow, is the fact that we had a right old battle over me buying a new car where W wanted me to buy somthing very exspensive and I wanted a more affordable VW. Well I stuck to my guns and we had a very good week previously looking at cars. We've had this interlude and now next week W is still going to be following me around looking at cars.
Back to GAL at the start of the year I made my 2009 list, things to do, people to see, but I got side tracked from it by W and chasing her affection, so really I just need to get back to my list and work hard on that.
You got the right PMA! A leader of a man will be a man a woman wont want to lose.
BTW... My nephew in the air force is now engaged to his English girlfriend - they are just 21 and still so young. I wonder how often that occurs with American military marrying a local when they are stationed in the UK. My aunt did the reverse and married a British air force pilot that was stationed in the US. He used to be a the Queen's pilot and he has the most impressive picture with the Queen and Prince Phillip next to him along with all the flight crew and the big plane in the background. When he retired and moved permanently to the US, he got a job working part time as a clerk in a video rental store which seemed a wee step down from flying the Queen of England around the world.
This is a phrase those of us, shall we say, a certain age, will have heard - especially those of us who have parents who grew up through or were part of WW2!
Not that its part of our collective memory - just was an observation at that time borne out of hard and difficult times - for all!!! I will qualify that a bit - as my Dad told me...if the US hadn't come in when they did - we would have been stuffed - so the collective view is "thank-you!!!" It was just a bit of humour which I dare say - was needed desperately at that time!
That was what I was getting at when I sent my last post to you Lan. Dropping the rope even though you two are still in the same house. Now when I say what I am about to say, don't get the wrong idea and I hope other people won't b/c I do not believe in dating while still M or going out with the opposite sex to make the spouse jealous and all of that stuff. But, if she thinks it is fine for her to have friends of the opposite sex and keep them a secret from you, then shouldn't you have the same priviledge? At least I would be tempted to say that to her and leave her wondering if-----when you get all buffed up and looking and smelling great....if you were going to meet some friend of the opposite sex. I would be tempted when she asked you where you were going, to tell her you were meeting a friend and really emphsize the word "friend". If she started with the questions about if it was somebody she knew or if it was a female.......I would just smile and not say anymore. I know that is mean to a point, but the "point" is what you are wanting her to get! It is not alright for her to have secret friends, and not for you! Of course, you don't go meet a woman......but you go out and do something that you enjoy doing. You are right, Lan, you got away from GAL. That is the downfall of so many when they get into "Piecing the M back together" is they stop doing all those things they did to draw the wife back to them and they start letting their personal life slide. Then first thing you know, it is right back to the way it was before.
The fact that she feels that she got away with her other A is not good. Especially this crap about it is alright for her to have male friends you don't know. I can't get over that way of thinking for a M woman! She might as well advertize in the paper for an A.
Anyway, I believe you should not take one ounce of crap off of her and go about your life as if you could care less what she does. Stay busy doing things without her, instead of doing like you did before and trying to be "Mr. Fun Guy" and pull her into doing fun things with you and the kids. Just leave her alone and leave her out as if you don't need her at all. But now here is the trick........you are never rude to her. You are never mean or talk ugly to her. But remember, just b/c she asked questions......you don't have to answer her. That is what makes you mysterous to her and it will start bugging the daylights out of her wondering what you are doing and if she has pushed you too far this time, etc.
When I said not to be rude or mean or talk ugly, I think you know what I am saying. When she trys to talk, just keep your answers very short, but not ugly. If she says something that sounds like a time you could point out that if it is good for her to do then why not you.......I don't know that I wouldn't try it. Ordinarily, I would not advise anyone to do that, but this has been going on for too long and you have done all of that and here you are back at the beginning. So, I think you should certainly take a different path this time. But as you said, you have to know for sure this is the way you want to proceed.
I have been thinking about you and hoping things would get better. You deserve much more than this.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lan - Sorry buddy, been away for a bit and just this minute caught up on this whole thread and latest developments.
Think you have some great advise or suggestions from others but always remember, these are from the outside and there might be some important aspects we are not aware of that change the way you attack this or at least how you attack this fresh challenge.
I agree, what's good for the goose and all that, but don't do it deliberately. If you have female friend, yeah, go spend time with them but dont go out looking for female friends as they may want more (assuming as you mentioned your not ready for that yet) and get the wrong idea.
I actually thought you had been doing the GALing and had that nailed but maybe that stopped as you have mentioned. Get back to that big time, live you life as if you are seperated and given the few things you've said about your future together, I don't think acting as if you are not together will do to much harm. All the time knowing that you do really want her. Remember, it's human nature to always want what we cant have !!!!
So get back to the basic principles of DB :
GAL Act As If Life live for you and your D
I really feel you can do no more now, you've done so much but maybe you just get that little hint things are getting better and then pressure. Forget about your W specifically for now (as best you can) and work 100% on you and enjoying yourself. 1 of 2 things will happen, she will love it and come back running and great or she will love it and come back running but you'll have moved on but be fine to deal with a D.
Good luck as always buddy and I expect a post on Monday about how you are shattered from so much GALing this weekend
While I think Sandi is on the right track - nothing is as attractive as someone who is going out and living life to the fullest - I'm not so sure about the idea of implying that you're heading out with other women. Seems to me like that could backfire - be taken by W as permission to do the same kinda thing herself.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I think I posted shortly that I get the feeling that if I lead W will follow, I think that's pretty much the case, also I think this last round of shenanigans is all about her crying out for my attention, (again) although I wish she would just speak up instead of jumping into destructive action first.
Bit of background, about 5 years ago FIL and a friend of his developed bowel cancer within months of each other both were treated at the same time but their recovery has take slightly different paths. FIL was operated on and was clear of cancer until last year. The friend of FIL was operated on but needed a colostomy. Sadly he never really fully recovered all his powers and he finally past last month. W was really upset about his passing as she planned to go to see him the day he passed and didn't get to say goodbye. Ironically I even posted about W being angry with me that day.
Last year FIL cancer returned but this time on his lungs, he was operated on and this was thought to be a success. However the latest scans have shown abnormalities on his lungs, chest and liver. We're not sure what the long term future is, but the immediate is 6 months of gruelling chemotherapy, the chemo makes him really ill and takes it's toll on him and those around him. If you add to this W has a long standing lung complaint which she is now associating with cancer then you can see that she has a lot going on in her head which she has been bottling up.
So recently when I have been doing my own thing, W has been coming home in the evening and sees me on the computer ironically scanning the DB site she then gets angry cos I'm not giving her the attention she wants. Part of her thinks I have friends on line possibly female and that sets her off on a destructive path. Part of her actions is getting attention from other men, part of it releasing anger on me.
Back to last night W was in floods of tears about FIL condition so all I could do was sit with her, today she kinda open up a little bit about her fears for FIL and for herself and is leaning on me for support. So I am remembering something Kalni sunshine posted to me sometime ago and that is just to be there for W and reassure her.
So while I think W has been acting crazy or is crazy, now is not the time to pull back and play games, as Rob so rightly points out it could easily back fire. So I have to find that balance between GAL and making me a better me while still emotionally supporting W. It may sound like I'm making excuses for W but that's the reality of it. Funny thing, now that W has my full attention she is back to talking about us and the things we need to do to get through all of this critical time.
Seriously you couldn't make all this stuff up, its my life and life is so weird.
