"I know I have never really dealt w/ it, but I don't think I know exactly how to put it away completely."
Have you ever tried to deal with it together? You need your partner here. Have you let him be your real partner on how to handle the pain? Has he managed to be your real partner on dealing with the pain? Or, have you been too self-protective too allow for that kind of intimacy? Has he been too defensive to see your pain in itself rather than just the way it reflects negatively on his own actions?
Can you say: "Sweetie, I forgive you the A. But I still hurt. This isn't about you, it isn't about more recriminations, it isn't about tearing you down. It is about me and my pain. I want to hear that you hear me, that you understand my pain. I want reassurance that you love ME, that you want ME. I want you to tell my why I'm not stupid for trusting you. I want you to comfort me and help me feel secure. I want to not feel scared that you will run away if I show you my pain. Because as long as I can't show you my pain, I withhold part of myself. I hide myself from you. And because I hide myself, I ache for intimacy of a kind we can't have, intimacy that is deep because we reveal ourselves to each other."
Take a leap. You will never heal from this on your own in a life in which you continue your M. Show yourself.
