I want to know where our marriage failed so I can understand what it is he sees in this girl.
Personally, I doubt you will really learn anything useful that you can use. If he's actively involved in an affair, EVERYTHING about you will be wrong. You can't base your actions on his words.
I would rely more on historical data. What were the issues that you experienced in the marriage? And I'd also rely on yourself. You know what is attractive and what is unattractive. In his current state, kissing butt, whining, pleading, acting like your world is crumbling, and moping around are unattractive. Be strong. Be confident. Your life can still be great. So smile. Don't just sit there in counseling and agree what an ogre you are. Think, "know what? I wasn't perfect. I wasn't always the best wife. But I recognize the things I could have done better and I can do so. You aren't all that and a bag of chips either." Just because someone else wants him doesn't make him somehow a great catch. No one can prop your self-esteem up for you...you have to do it yourself, by recognizing your own worth.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Just because someone else wants him doesn't make him somehow a great catch. No one can prop your self-esteem up for you...you have to do it yourself, by recognizing your own worth.
I read your first post and the last. So, I am sorry if I missed something. I am not myself right now.
But, you must not try to talk to him while he is intoxicated you will get nowhere.
And, when reading about the excuses or things he says while ml so reminds me of my husband. I didn't listen closely. I held him up on a pedestal. This man went four years without touching me.
I had to ask him to make love to me. He would come into my bedroom at 12 or 12am. To do his duty. I was grateful for what little I got. He wasn't saying I love you I confronted him. He finally said I love you with the love of the Lord.
One time he also said remember that thing I used to do to you? Well, I always did it to please you I always found it disgusting. It didn't sink in that he was getting his self satisfied and cared nothing about me.
So,listen carefully. We tend to live in a dreamworld because we just can't believe that it could happen to us.
Don't beg this man for anything.It just makes you look weaker. You must work on making yourself.
Thank you Ashyah, your post has just confirmed a little for me. I too had mine on a pedestal, no one is perfect but it's going to be very difficult for me to get over the lies. I think when I was so hurt and still he didn't admit it, that's going to be the toughie.
Anyway. What a day! I cried most of the day. Come 5 I forced myself into shower, put on all my make up,plenty of benefit erase paste, made a new hole in my belt (yipee) and headed off.
I have no idea what happened on the way there but I felt different. I just decided that I didn't really enjoy these self pity feeling I have been having. I don't know how to describe it.
Anyway, didn't think he would show but he did, looked miserable, was very awkward.
We went into the room and straight away the counsellor said I looked different, he said I looked happy. I'm not really sure I was acting?
anyway H wouldn't start so I explained events of discovering ea or as h puts it, the helping each other out friendship hmmmm.
We discussed how H was feeling, he didn't know so wasn't much help. He has felt like this since October but thought it would all go away. He can't understand why he is not happy with a great person like me.
I discussed how I didn't feel bitter but acknowledged that I could become bitter/jealous in future. Counsellor asked what I wanted from this, I said I wanted to learn from mistakes, at this point H butted in and quite scathingly said, you always blame yourself. I said well it was quite difficult not to search for reasons and I believed you when you said there was no one else.
Anyhoo we managed to all laugh at a few things, he wouldn't elaborate on how him and o/w began having feeling. I said is it still going on? He said he told her that they had to stop contact and she needs to try sort out her marriage as they had already F*****d up one marriage. I said how will you cope with not texting her because it has obviously been big part of your life for past few months. He said he would tell her that he will not contact her til we know what we are doing. I DON'T BELIEVE HIM.
He also said I was nasty about a couple of things re ex. It was a fair point and I managed to explain reasons and why it seemed nasty, but it was true from his point of view.
He didn't want to make another appointment til he had time to think about things.
Now, I can't put my finger on it, but my instinct tells me that he is manipulating me, why I don't know. I think it is a guilt thing because he told his sister but did not tell them about o/w.
I really think he is manipulating me and the counsellor.
So now I'm officially in limbo, dark, GAL.
I really need to use this time to think about what I want because, to be honest, I'm not sure.
I feel good, I know there will be bad days but I'm truly going to get on with my life.
Things I need to ask myself.
1. Do I think I will trust him again? 2. Do I want to live my life with someone who can hide unhappiness for months and now show it? 3. Have I lost respect for him? 4. Was I actually happy? 5. Do I want to live with the fear this could happen again? 6. Do I actually love him, or fear being on my own
Not going to rush these, will take my time and really get to see how I feel.
I know I will be cool with the no contact,think it's pride because of o/w but also because If we do decide to get back together, I must know that it is for the right reasons and not pity. I will have to discuss house stuff but I'll leave a note along with mail.
I'm not sure why I think he is manipulating me. Maybe for house, or to say 'look everyone I've tried but it's not working, or maybe he wants me to make the decision.
I think he is very selfish but I'm sure he has many thoughts about me but 'he just doesn't know' lol.
Now I know it could be mlc, counsellor seemed to hint at that, and I know it can't be easy for him either and must be horrible to hate yourself but I'm going to be selfish and think of myself because it's sink or swim and I need to Pull myself out of this.
Will read again the books and come up with some goals but they will be for me, not H.
Still can't quite believe this is me talking about H but it is me and it is happening to me so I'm going to deal with it with as much dignity as I can.
I like me, I'm not such a bad person. And I'm NOT A VICTIM AND NEVER WILL BE.
I'd suggest reading a book called "NOT Just Friends," by Glass. It's the definitive work on emotional affairs.
Your husband MAY be sincere. He may NOT know why he can't just "get back" his feelings for you, and be happy with someone who he thinks is genuinely a wonderful person. If he will agree to it, get him to read the book as well. It will explain how his contact with OW, and his growing feelings for her, is actually blocking him from having loving feelings towards YOU.
You must take care of yourself. Believe me I know how hard it is when you are feeling so down. Yesterday I got dressed put on some pretty jewelry and went to a coffee shop. Just to get out and do something.
If you feel that your husband is manipulating you then he might be you know him.
One thing that I did with my husband was that instead of being positive I was needy. I whined and slept all day. Who wants to come home to a spouse like that? I was depressed and it bothered him more.
So , you keep upbeat no matter how hard it is.Right now he is in control because even though you say you are not a victim he sees you that way.
Yes, the not telling his sister about the ow is bugging me
Now why do you thin that would be? Maybe he doesn't want to tell her because then he would be seen as the bad guy. A's breed in secrecy.....and just your C knowing still makes it secret.
I think you are right not to beleive your H when he says he has cut off contact.....he hasn't exactly been honest yet has he.
As for MLC....well don't most people seem to go through a transitional crisis when an A is involved?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
yeah, he cant face what a horrible thing he has done. This is sneaky of me but his mum is coming round today so I'll tell her that he has told sister but not mention that he hasn't told about the affair so they'll probably get disussing it and it will come out.
Why should he get to say that he wasn't happy and tried counselling therefore done his best.
